Tuesday, September 3, 2019

Weight: 139.8
Protein: 79
Carbs: 74
Veggies/Fruits: 9
Water: 40 ounces
Sleep: 7 hours
Exercise: 7,100 steps; yoga@home (50")

Big day today ... I return to yoga class. Gulp! For the last two weeks I've been doing a daily yoga practice to avoid dying today, since I know how tough that class can be. Still, I'm excited--feels a bit like starting second grade.

All's going well here on the eating and peace fronts. :)

To speed our fearless leader DianeO and Shirl who are both flying today, here's a classic: "Leaving on a Jet Plane."

Ann-Good luck with yoga today!

Family is here and I forgot how difficult they are. I know they don't mean to be. Well at least my SIL. Life is just quite the juggling act with two under 18 months haha so throw anything else in and it's a bit less manageable. Even though I think it's probably easier hosting them here than being in Florida.

The scale broke the 170s yesterday! I didn't weigh today because I fear it's back over, but I was officially 169.8 yesterday.

So since we're hosting family and it's a holiday weekend, the eating has been less great here. But I'm starting to think my own eating is relatively healthy. I've been watching BIL and it's some bizarre thing he does where he comments about his weight and how bad the food is, etc. WHILE shoveling his mouth full of peanuts or donuts etc. But maybe we are doing him wrong? I was able to eat one donut yesterday. And was thinking why can't he just do the same without the accompanying self-loathing talk? Or I find it strange that rather than have one of the dang thing he wants, he skirts around it eating "healthy" "low-carb" hotdogs or bananas or peanuts and then usually goes ahead and eats the dang thing anyway. So at first I was annoyed but then I remembered maybe it's really really challenging for him not to. And then I was grateful, for one of the few times, for how I eat now. I may not be at my goal weight, but gosh-darn it for what all I've been through, my thinking of food is pretty healthy. #accentuatethepositive. I may be a good 15lbs. above where I'd like but wowza it just hit me how I no longer feel a prisoner to food--not to healthy food, to bad food, to food that someone "cooked for me" etc. That is worth so much to me! To be able to want an applesauce cake donut on Labor Day, buy a dozen donuts, and eat ONE! Hallelujah. Which is why I'm always so reticent to change thing, to go on a "diet." Part of the reason I'm able to eat one donut is because I know I can have them any time any day. It's kind of like how my toddler reallllly wants to do something if I say no. I suppose that's how I feel about food.

I've also noticed that he and my MIL use some pretty self-loathing talk. As though they can be on the right "team" by recognizing how deplorable their eating and appearance is. (oh and not that it probably matters, but they are maybe max 30-40lbs. overweight ever, and usually dieting off 20-30 of that and popping back up). This has made me 1) really thankful DH is not that way, and 2) I really need to watch how I speak about myself in front of my children.

ONE WEE****il I get the boobies out! I really wish Shel were here to encourage me. She always did. I'm losing a bit of my nerve. There was never any skin etc. problem up top because I was always so small despite being so heavy!! But now 5 years of implants later, things may be different. I want to say it doesn't matter but I am human. And after having investigated removal, I've realized that man I've had it pretty good with implants. I don't have illness or other negative side effects. I literally just don't want boobs and the fact that they could be cancerous seemed like the last shove I needed in this direction. And surgeons are no help--they definitely have an ulterior motive. One even suggested that I was somehow ?less feminine? If I didn't want larger breasts. That almost sent me flying!! But I guess that gets me back to this whole body positivity movement. Where do I fit in simultaneously explanting while getting lipo and scar revision on my tummy tuck? I probably should chew on that for a bit because I think I could keep rambling for ages. But that is my biggest concern this time around. PS acts like this revision will give me what I always wanted out of a TT, but I also feel like at some point you have to say "this is me, and I like it." Where is that point?

The explanting and the lipo/scar revision are different. One is removing a foreign body that could cause issues down the road and that never felt part of you, the other is tweaking your own tissue. Different animals!

I have lived in your relatives skin and psyche- eating volumes of substitute foods in an attempt to not eat the socially labeled "fat people eat these fooods" only to do what I wanted to do anyways- that is- eat the damn donuts. Having eaten the forbidden to fat people food, I must confess to the world my guilt and shame at being fat (self shame preferable to outside condemnation?) Whatever- Well, now that I am proclaimed to be what I am, then I am free to do what I want- what fat people do, which is to EAT IT ALL.

****! Writing this ---I see a pattern I used all the time--unconsciously Using others to self sabotage myself. It's like asking your husband, "Do I look fat in this dress?" It doesn't matter the answer, If he says yes, then I loath myself, if he says no, I loath myself.

The "****" expressed above is knowing that for us in recovery, it is not the "what I know about my self" pendant square, but it IS the "what I don't know about myself" square that causes me to trip. How often do I resort to that unhealthy thinking pattern NOW without even knowing it.!

I've got to own what I'm doing before I will then have the power to eliminate it. That is why self reflection- inventory and Ann's meditation is so important.

That is also why this board and you all are so very important - by speaking out OUR experiences (thank you for yours, BB), we can trot on down that road to self actualization and complete integration and loving acceptance of who our real and whole selves are.

TRUTH, Bonnie!!!!

The labels we give ourselves are incredibly powerful! If we're going to label ourselves, let's use only positive ones.

We live out who we believe truly we are. The burden of faking it- lying to ourselves and others is just too much to maintain ---I can cleanup my behavior on the outside for the moment-a while, but just like the pig that's been bathed- if it identifies as a pig, it will return to the mud-

I think it speaks in the Bible about the need to be given a new name. Putting down the old and taking up the new. I will struggle unnecessarily with healthy maintenance because--we are always maintaining whether it be the truth or a lie.

Maintenance is in the end behaving in such a way that "maintains" who I believe on the inside (soul) I really am. As long as I see my self in the "old way"- the lie I was given and then internalized, I will return to the "mud" and behave as such.

As I strive to find the truth of myself-the new name- the authentic and thereby valuable and real me, I believe I will more naturally and easily MAINTAIN that Bonnie.

Wow!

Big thunderstorms early this morning. Love! And rain most of today followed by gale force winds. Should be a good show if nothing else.

I'm still in love with my foot massager. I got out of bed today to feed the dog and felt minimal discomfort rather than the searing pain of morning plantar fasciitis I've felt since June after just a few days of the massager. While one article I read said massage doesn't help PF, I also read massage can stretch and loosen the tendons reducing the pain. All I know is I don't hurt as much or as long after only a few days. Seriously, I would pack this thing to take on my trip down under if not for the power supply differences!

Time to get moving this morning. Make good choices!

I did the PF dance for about a year trying this and that, and it was only after I had medically prescribed and fitted - the plaster cast and all- ridged shoe implants was I able to take the pressure off so it could resolve itself.

It's hard to heal a pressure caused injury when it is in an area that has to endure pressure every time a step is taken.

Your massager sounds Wonderful! No doubt it will help those tendons under your heel relax and loosen up.