Saturday, August 31, 2019

Oh, Ann! Your post this morning is rich! I have read it more than once. Like Desiderata that came later in the thread, your post stirred in me excitement and hope and connected with so much I have been feeling lately. I especially appreciated your admission that you expect to feel downtrodden in mood and spirit for periods in your life because you are a NORMAL human being. There is a lot of strength in that knowledge.

Ann's reference to the fact that 3/4 of American women have some versions of disordered eating reminded me that gay men also have much higher rates of disordered eating than their straight counter parts. According to the Eating Recovery Centers 42% of men diagnosed with eating disorders are gay. That's a hell of a lot greater ratio of gay to straight than the estimated 5-15% of the male population that is suspected to be gay.

I think, too, we must keep in mind that eating disorders are believed to be genetic traits that can be triggered by traumatic events in people's lives. For some people these events can be quite mild, such as a "normal" break up as a teenager. I think my traumatic event was so gentle that I wasn't able to identify it until this year. I believe it was the realization that I was different from other little boys. That I was somehow wrong.

What I have realized through my work is that for many years I was looking at my inner child in such a skewed way. It wasn't until recently that I have realized that my inner child is actually one of the strongest and truest parts of me. That little 5 year old boy who loved the world and meeting people and didn't realize that there was a thing amiss was suddenly thrust into a reality in which he was deemed wrong. Young 5 year old me created a narrative to create sense and meaning out of this reality. How many 5 year olds can come up with this: When I was in my mama's tummy, God realized he had made too many girls so at the last minute he changed me into a boy. That's why I am the way I am. I was supposed to be a girl, but I had to be a boy.

What is interesting is that as I got older I began to understand that it wasn't that I wanted to be a girl, but like girls I was attracted to boys. That added an additional layer that needed to be hidden from the world and from myself.

Anyway, that little kid who I was did a lot of majorly incredible compensating and protective work to keep ME safe as I grew up. That little kid did more adulting than many, many adults do in their entire lives. I am so terribly proud of the little boy I was. He went through some real hellish times - especially in pre puberty and early puberty. Yet, he still put himself out there in front of the world, he followed his dreams. That kid was strong as hell and did so much to hang on to his self worth. He learned to read people. He knew quickly whether people - especially teenage boys - posed a threat to his existence. He learned how to navigate and blend into the world of the stoners, the preppies, the nerds, and the dressed in black actors of the early 1980s high school scene. I traveled in and out of those worlds daily and with ease. I learned who would act as my protectors, if needed, and made them my people. Still at a distance, but my people nonetheless.

It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I really allowed fear to take over and rule my life. I spent so much time hiding and fearing rejection. I stopped taking risks. I self medicated to feel better - sometimes to celebrate, but often just to feel happy. I didn't know I was depressed and that my depression had become chronic. I didn't know to what degree I began to abuse substances to feel or not feel. Luckily, my bottom was high and I stopped using mind altering substances early enough in life. I didn't make a conscious effort to stop. They just lost their appeal and drinking was much more socially acceptable. Eventually, I gave up all alcohol, too, because I was clearly an alcoholic on some level, though it was well hidden from the general population. Even my best friend questioned whether I was a true alcoholic. However, I consider/ed myself to be, so I have been sober for 15 years. Smoking was the hardest to give up, but I did it and have been tobacco free for 8+ years now.

Food is the lone survivor in my self medication arsenal.

As I continue on my journey, down this newish road of heightened self awareness and acceptance, I am making a concerted effort to celebrate my young self. I am truly amazed at the strength, intelligence, and intuitive work I was able to manage as a youngster. It is no wonder I have never felt a sense of innocence. It was never really there to begin with. That little boy was adulting his way through childhood, just to survive in a world that was not ready for who he was. Talk about guts and fortitude. I feel a bit like a proud dad!

Happy Saturday to you all.

My God, Devon! That's just an incredible lot of self-awareness!

And something else ...

Dude. You are a writer.

Thank you. It's taken me a while to get comfortable sharing this knowledge. I've known it for some time, but the comfort to unveil my truth is pretty new. Understanding how strong my child self was is game changing.

Your compliment on the writing is not lost on me. Means a lot! Hugs.

I'm awestruck about what you shared and how you expressed it.

Thank you.

I think everyone has back stories that brought us here. What is truly awesome to me is finding this tiny corner of the cyberspace with real live people who understand and accept me as I am at this moment. This board is a gift!

An addendum to the day. Our neighbor called and invited me to their house tonight for a get together with lots of "younger" people (30s and 40s - rare around here). I panicked. I really hate socializing in groups like that of my peers. Put me around older people and I am just fine. Put me in a group that has men and women around my age and I fall apart. Like anxiety attack, profuse facial sweating, hiding in the bathroom falling apart. All I could think of to say was that we were going to have BLTs tonight. Have you ever heard a more ridiculous reason to try to back out of an invitation?? I had nothing. I should have lied and said I had plans. She wasn't buying it and now I have to go and I am dreading it like nothing I've dreaded since the last time I got invited to something like this. My flight response is through the roof and I actually have tears in my eyes at the thought of walking in there. No wonder I'm single and hang out with senior citizens. I feel totally ill-equipped for this. I cannot identify with people who like parties and meeting new people. I'd rather hide in my living room and watch Netflix in my pjs.

That's a tough one. It's been a long time since I've had to go to a party or outing where I didn't know at least one person pretty well, unless it was work related. If you do go and you need an out, could you say you need to check on Ferg?

I think so. Just remembering I don't have to stay might help.

Take heart that most people have some level of anxiety over social events like the one to which you're going. Yours is just a lot more intense. My dear friend, Auntie Kathryn (as she's known on FB, LOL), has severe social anxiety just like you. It is real.

If it is too much for you, you do NOT have to attend. The horrible double edged sword is that if you are like Kathryn, should you not go at all you will feel guilt and shame and get down on yourself.

Do what you can and know that you can leave at any time after arrival. You might consider telling your hostess about your social anxiety and how hard this is for you. She may not get it, but at leas the truth is out and you won't have to hide and pretend to be someone you are not.

Hope tonight ends positively for you. Hugs.

You're right on the money with how I'll feel if I back out. Avoiding the anxiety just makes it worse the next time. Exposure therapy is probably the best way to approach it, but staying home and shoving bamboo shoots under my fingernails sounds pretty good about now. Thanks, Devon!