Friday, August 22, 2019

Welcome to the weekend eve! Doesn't mean a lot for us except no daycare on Saturday and Sunday and more traffic.

DH does go to daycare today though. I am going back to the furniture store to purchase the recliner that DS and I decided on. I have to figure out how to get it here - if it isn't too outrageous I will have them deliver it. I am buying it in the clearance area so the delivery is extra. I think I will rent a cargo van for the actual move day. DS will be here to help and hopefully BIL as well. I will feel more prepared if I have everything to go I think.

Oh and the oven repair person comes this afternoon. How much do you want to bet it will need a part they will have to order and I'll spend another week with no oven and no washer? Sigh...

Have a full Friday!

I had an amazing time yesterday ! I was the only kayaker to schedule, so I had a very individualized experience. My guide, Angie, and I chatted quite a lot on the drive to the cove in North Vancouver. She is a tiny, young nurse who came to BC for the Olympics, and never went home. We chatted and shared like old friends. I unashamedly picked her brain about her eating habits, especially in light of recent discussions here. She eats five small meals a day, mostly fresh fish, fruit and vegetables. She believes that challenges with her emotions mean she needs motion, and hikes, walks, paddle boards and does yoga to get the energy flowing and emotions balanced.

That brings me to paddle boarding. I didn't attempt it. I could lead off with how chilled I was and how stiff my knees were and how much a positive experience was contingent on remaining dry. Instead, I'll look at the shame for not fulfilling the goal Shel and I shared that slowly took hold on the drive back to VC. That shame and negative self talk built until I happened to interact with Devon online. Then, I decided on some motion in the warm sun, after sitting and paddling for two hours. As I was walking, I began to work through the shame and released a lot of negative energy. It is not realistic or healthy for "If not now, when ?" to be an all consuming standard. Sometimes, it is okay to be comfortable in your safe place, and soak in the pleasure of the moment. I had fun, pushed my body, and enjoyed a fabulous opportunity to experience sights, sounds and seals I don't normally encounter. I met an amazing woman and appreciated her insights, especially regarding the connection between emotions and motion. I've been introduced to inflatable paddle boards that also serve as kayaks. They are very portable, rigid and firm when inflated, and are still on my bucket list, right Peps !?

If not now, when? Can also encompass saying no to things that are not for us, even if they are okay for others. One of the things in my life that changes as I grow older is obligations have peeled away. Example, I spent many nights sitting on cold bleachers watching my son in the marching band. Worth it, oh my yes! Do I still go to watch? Nope. Never. Living in a way that pleases me? If not now, when?

Back from Ireland last night. How lovely to find a package from you David! My son is a pour over brewer, so I will ask him to prepare some for us when he gets up, and I'll have a cup of coffee with you all.

Speaking of my son, his job offer fell through! Recruiter extended the offer, told him hr would be emailing paperwork. When it didn't arrive, he emailed, and she said it was delayed, but would be coming. After several days, he contacted her again, and she said, oh sorry, the position isn't available after all... a disappointment, but he already has 2 phone interviews set up for today.

Ireland was a dream. Beautiful cities, breathtaking views, riots of cultivated and wild flowers, fresh and inventive foods, a foodie paradise, congenial citizens. 4 adults, one car, many shared hotel rooms, and no cross words. I love my family!

My daughter had a tracker, we averaged 15,000-17,000 steps, and many days climbed the equivalent of 30 flights. Sometimes I ascended slowly, but I never had to miss a site or view. So much gratitude for how my sleeve has changed my life.

This is a long one, sorry. I went for another hike yesterday (6.5 miles) and I forgot to charge my AirPods. So I had 2 hours to be alone with my thoughts, the sound of wind and birds. Mostly my thoughts were around my latest obsession with carbs and junk food and compulsive eating and my unhappiness with the results of that on my body. And the familiar conversations I'm sure we've all had with ourselves about how that "food" (in quotes because it may have a lot of calories, but it's not food) brings joy for only mere minutes versus the long term unhappiness it brings.

I reflected back on the time after I reached my goal and didn't worry about what clothes I could fit into or how I looked or whether I was the biggest person in the room or whether I could keep up or would sweat profusely trying or if there was a camera nearby. Those are all things I worried about when I was really heavy and they are all things I've begun to worry about again and I want to go back to where my worrying could be saved for more important things. I hate worrying about all that stuff so much. I bet if I added up all the minutes I've spent in my life actively worrying about it, it would add up to years. It's exhausting. And for what? To keep a coping mechanism in place that doesn't serve me?

As for the coping mechanism, I think I understand it. I eat junk because it makes me temporarily really happy, but it also makes me fat which makes me unhappy so I eat more junk to make me happy. And why I'm not happy enough with myself to not need the junk food probably lies in me wanting outside validation from others because I can't generate enough from inside myself and I'm not getting it. So I eat to fill the void. And there isn't enough outside validation to fill the void just like no amount of junk food fills it. Years of therapy and I still haven't figured out how to fill it from within. I'll keep working on that. In the meantime, I can't keep eating and gaining and getting depressed over my current state.

Devon, your thoughts on treating "little me" are something I've heard from my therapist many times, so I know they are valid. But I struggle to put it into practice in a non-harmful way. I feel like I treat her all the time and that's what's gotten me into this mess over and over again. Give me an inch, and I'll take a mile. How do you keep it to small treats and not constant ones?

Anyway, this all probably sounds like I'm down in the dumps, but I'm really not. I actually feel a bit empowered and energized. I have seen and been the person I want to be and she's not so far away that I can't get back there. First order of business it halting the junk train. I did well yesterday and feel like I'm on the right track today. One day at a time. Second, is buckling down on the fitness side not only for long term health and because it will help with my weight, but because I have a very expensive, active trip coming up in 68 days and I don't want it ruined. And the long term goal is to figure out how to feel like I'm enough just as I am, fat or not, at any point in time so I don't turn to food. But that one is more nebulous as far as actionable steps goes, so my plan there needs work.

Anyway, another hike today... Hope you all are doing well! Thank you for reading all my ramblings if you got this far. I'm open to any thoughts on my issues!

To me there is a difference between a conscious decision to make your inner child aware of the effort you are putting into meeting her needs and unconscious stream of continually placating her whining. I know that when I wasn't really paying attention to my inner kid, but stuffing food in to keep him quiet, I wasn't treating him with respect or compassion. It was akin to a parent giving a kid a device to keep him occupied and divert the attention away from the parent. I was basically eating to ignore the kid.

When I made a conscious choice to take care of the inner kid and listen to his needs, the constant stuffing began to ebb. I still have my evening treat, and that is fine by me. Much of my other eating throughout the day is highly stress related. I eat to feel good in the moment to relieve the stress. Mini candy bars are the devil for me because they do the trick for the instant feel good category, but just one will trigger a binge, if I allow it.

I had to learn that supporting my inner kiddo and stress eating were separate issues. My inner kid is really satisfied with being taken care of and loved. He likes dessert. He loves quiet time and lying with the dogs. My stress cadet is the one who is the binger. He is the one who eats to placate his feelings and numb them.

I know I've said before that I see myself in you. Could you possibly dealing with two separate issues and lumping them into one category? Just a thought.

Yep- You've said that so well...so much better than my ramblings below---

My inner child has never been physically hungry a day in her life. But food-treats is what she cries for. Her true hunger is for something else. She wants to be cherished - to be wholly loved. The best way she learned how to fill that emptiness was with food. Typical 5 year old solution- that- turned into a runaway train wreck in regards to coping skills. Never did fill the real need- never will.

When she is hurting and feeling unworthy-unlovable, she cries out for food. She demands what she wants- says I don't love her if I won't give it to her- dosen't know what to do with the pain- the bad feelings- throws a tantrum until- to shut her up (if only for the moment)----I do just what I know in my mind is a lie- I tell her that while she is not valuable enough to love (love as in verb- action -listening to- taking care of) she will just have to be satisfied with a substitute and I stuff her with food.

What she wants is my love-to be wholly loved. My parenting skills suck. When I feed her needs that way, I am INDEED telling her she is not loved, and offer a poor and unhealthy substitute in stead.

I want to be a better parent to my inner bonnie- when she is in pain and hurting I want to be willing to just sit with her and tell her what she needs to know-"You are a precious and loved child of God who delights in your very presence".

I just realized I was off by one day on the date for the last two days! LOL!

Liz, I bet you are looking for the week day. I know the stress of moving will be hard but worth it.

Eating is ok today. Trying to push the cucumbers and tomatoes because they fill me up fast, they taste great and we have bunches.

5 days until knee surgery so I can not put off cleaning the shop if I am going to be out here full time. First step quit making dust! I made a wide path the length of the shop to do post op walking. I have 2 walkers ready. We brought the other bed from the Searcy shop for DW to sleep in so she can be close post op if I need her. She will not be out here long because she hates the dust and clutter of a wood shop. Can not blame her. I am going to clean but not enough. I need to upgrade my dust collection but it is not ranked high enough in my budget. It is easy to spend several thousand dollars in dust collector system. Even in a small shop. Every wood worker dreams is living in a big wood shop. Every wood workers spouses nightmare is living in a wood shop. No ibuprofen or salves until surgery. I can already tell the left knee will be soon to follow.

Adalyn is waking up saying pop pop and bo bo (LoLo). It is cute. One day she saw a white truck and thought it was me. She cried when DD told her it was not me.

more later,

david