Wednesday July 24, 2019

Weight: 170.8

I'm having a week where I should be thankful I'm maintaining and not gaining. Still kind of worried when the other shoe will drop.

Although (and this may be a bit of a discussion for the eats thread), I'm amazed at how when I write it down my "bad" days don't seem as awful. Okay, yeah, 3 chocolate chip cookies is a bit much. But when I write it down it seems ludicrous to me that my thought was instantly to go eat more of everything "forbidden" because I might as well really ruin the day. Huh? I think that thinking is the primary difference between my thought process and normal "thin" people. I don't think the naturally thin people (and especially not the work-to-be-healthy thin people) decide to eat more...because they already ate too much? And this is why I try to eschew diets nowadays. Sure, I can try to eat less because I have indulged or will indulge. I see this all the time amongst my never-battled-weight friends. And I can try and eat in a way that leads to weightloss. But deciding that at x hour x things become forbidden only feeds that frenzied hungry monster inside of me.

Busy day here today. I have my explant consultation. I'm so nervous. One unfortunate reality of life is that you cannot undo poor decisions. You must move forward past your regret and try to do the best with today. I have come up with some deep, plausible?, theories about this. And one is that I have grown so accustomed, if not happy, being critical of my body. It's always in "project tinkering" mode. Forever and ever, what new diet I would go on consumed my thoughts. Then there was weightloss with VSG. Then there was planning and dreaming of plastic surgery. Could it be that I'm hanging on to this dissatisfaction as just part of a body image problem? Maybe there is always going to exist that feeling and I have pinned it on the implants?

I think there may be some truth to that theory, but I do actually think I want implants out. The maintenance alone! Plus, PSA for anyone here or viewing here, there has been a lot made of "breast implant illness" recently. So much so that the FDA has decided to look into them again (they were off the market until early 2000s) and held hearings in the spring. The idea of something silicone in my body just seems so unnatural to me.

But was VSG unnatural? If I underwent WLS for some aesthetic reasons, how is this different? Well, first I think anyone can and should change what they can to make them feel better. I also think there is a limit to what cosmetic enhancements can do to improve self-esteem. If there wasn't, we'd all be bubbling over confidence over here lol! But there is also that health aspect to VSG that cannot be forgotten. My sister is in medical school and tells me how much I changed my trajectory by having VSG. And I thought I was extremely healthy at the time! I was not pre-diabetic, no high cholesterol, no high blood pressure...but she says it was likely a matter of if and not when.

Well now I'm rambling, what's new? I can't promise I'll go through with this procedure. But I do think the nerves I'm feeling are normal and probably not necessarily suggesting I don't want it.

I saw there was a tornado in Cape Cod yesterday. All okay, Liz? Looks like a doozy of a storm!

Yes it was a crazy storm. I am in East Falmouth next to Mashpee and for a bit there it looked like there might be a touchdown here. I actually looked to Justice for signs. He is super afraid of storms but he was pretty chill so I figured we'd be okay. DS was quite nervous though. The tornado did do damage in Yarmouth, further east of us. And there was quite a bit of damage on Monday night in Harwich even further east.

But nothing major here except flooding and my PTSD about car drowning kept me in!

Well Bonnie, you have given much for me to think about. Your point, why if do over eat do we think we should follow it with more eating... seeing that in writing makes the behavior even more absurd and yet I totally recognize it, I've done it a million times.

I think you are doing the right thing to investigate your implant removal. You need the information to weigh the pros and cons of your next steps.

Bonnie, I'm glad you are doing due diligence about the implants. When I was at my thinnest I was pretty small and would put silicone inserts in my bras for some dresses/tops. I was afraid of a foreign body being implanted inside me. Which is also why I never considered a gastric band (good thing).

Oh and I can have that mindset too that since I already blew it (overeating) I should continue. I constantly have to battle that.

I am taking DH to a coffee hour in a bit (I get an hour of free time). Things are still progressing with him daily. He really has no idea about his bodily functions now so there is more and more cleanup. He just got an upholstered chair wet and said he didn't do it (though his pants were wet too. My fault because he had too much liquid this morning apparently.

Have a winning Wednesday!

Greetings My Lovelies

158.5 today. Got a few extra steps in by unloading a kiln. Its like unloading a dishwasher only more items and more steps to put them away.

We are working on this fish art project where we make all these ceramic fish and then will attach them to a fence. Sort of public art. My studio buddy wants to make them life like whereas I wish to make them fanciful.

More shrimp tonight. I got a little cucumber to chop into mine into salad. DH won't eat that.

Got the audio book of Brene Brown "The Power of Vulnerability". Started listening last night but fell asleep. Need to find a way to listen during waking hours. Maybe at studio since I have my own little room.

Liz glad you didn't have the car titanic again. Cir****tances seem to be making the decision for your DH more clear.

BB, investigate the explants if that's what you want. I know more than one person who has or has wanted to do that. Only good thing I can say about my body is that I have always had acceptable boobage (except at my super low weight of 117 when I looked like empty ho****er bottles). Not a problem now.

I am thinking about cruises. Right now the place we live has such a delightful climate that I don't want to leave to go sweat somewhere. But things will be different in December. Might be Hawaii. Might be Carribean. Might be Mediteranean.

Hmm, reports of shots fired today in our dinky town. I saw a bunch of police cars when I left today. So odd that a ritzy neighborhood (not ours) can be just a few blocks from meth head hang outs.

I may have mentioned I got a second hand desk chair that I thought would be more comfortable than the old one. But pieces of the fabric are falling off. Maybe not a good idea. It was free.

Thats about it. Diane S

Fanciful fish gets the vote from me. Reminds me when Duluth opened an aquarium with the plan to showcase local fish. Northerners and Walleyes and freshwater Salmon may be delightful to eat, but for viewing in tanks, not so much.

Regarding the loss of boobage due to age and/or weight loss, Joan Rivers said, I don't have my boobs anymore, but I still have the bags they came in.

I'm having trouble getting back into my eat high quality whole foods routine. Must restock fruits and vegetables tomorrow.

I met my Mom for lunch today. We had a good talk. Her mobility is really impaired, and she suffers. There's not a lot she can do. Her bones are crumbling, she's had both hips replaced, back fused twice, had lung cancer, had a lobe removed, chemo, may need follow up radiation. What I can do is listen.

Not much else, another lovely weather day, read the newspaper on the porch, did some gardening... the beauty of an ordinary day.

Too tired to post more than pics. Long day of travel today. Here are pics of our campsite yesterday and a few from this morning's dog walk.

We traveled several hundred miles south today to east of Ashland, OR. We are camped at a very remote site at Hyatt reservoir. There are a total of 12 campsites here. Pics to follow.....

Now for pics from Hoodview Campgrounds in Mt. Hood National Forest. The campgrounds are on the shore of Timothy Lake, south of Mt. Hood.

Warming my tootsies by the fire!

Beautiful!