Sunday, March 24, 2019

Secret Eating? Yes, yes and yes. In fact I've done a lot of it lately - with a slice of cold pizza last night. THIS HAS TO STOP NOW!

Interestingly I never had family members make comments on my weight. I guess they knew I hated myself enough for all of us. I'm feeling those same self-hate feelings about my recent eating and weight gain. I know when I am in control of my eating, I feel more in control of my life which makes me feel better. So why do I do it???

Have a satisfying Sunday.

Here is a picture of Elise with my youngest daughter Tierney in Miami when she was recovering from a barbaric surgery called a pelvic exenteration. Tierney was 16 at the time. Elise died about 6 months later.

Good morning, all!

Pretty pic, Liz. I am glad Elise had Tierney (and, of course, the whole family) thru the process. Usually, Elise's smile and eyes rule the picture. Now that I know the back story, I think the sunglasses are deliberate. Cancer treatment truly stinks.

Cookie eating has been out of control.

I leave Iowa today. Mom knew that I would be doing laundry and there is a magazine causally opened on the laundry room freezer where she stores her baked goods.

Pic below. Honest to God, WTF!

From my experience, my mom lives for this sort of thing. With the benefit of age and distance, I see that I am not her only target but I got the brunt as a live-in target. She doesn't respect other people's boundaries, period. She tries to disguise her observations as concern and then does the best to pull back the curtains so EVERYONE can see just how bad off that person is.

I used to say that she didn't realize she was doing it and I deserved this a fat child. A counselor pointed out by singling me out, she demonstrated that she is perfectly capable of holding her fire. My siblings weren't fat but they weren't perfect, either. Also, as the parent, it was her duty to mostly hold her fire and she didn't.

Long after I moved out, an older cousin made a laughing comment that it was "obvious that you and your mom never got along" even when I was very young. I thought about asking what she meant but it wasn't the right time. Plus, I knew exactly what she meant because I lived it.

My mom might actually think she is doing good with this venom. I no longer care. She is my mom and I will always be available for her. Her actions don't hurt like they used to: it exposes the worst of her (rather than the worst of me) and it helps to have this board to share with.

Also, please note the scale in the picture. She has the same scale for 50 years. That is the scale of someone who always weighs 115lbs.

Love you all!

Shel

Holy $&@!. I find you to be a kind, charitable, witty, intelligent, and thoroughly admirable person. Now my admiration is doubled that you are all these things, in the face of this abuse. How did you manage it?

I do wonder how much this shaped me. I was considered "moody" even as a young child. I still consider that part of my basic wiring but living with this sure didn't help.

It is what it is. I wish I would have understood this better before raising my daughter. I know I am not like my mom but I could have been better.

We all could be better. Parenting is never an easy gig, even with a heart filled with good intention. For me, I hope that fact that I apologize when I'm wrong goes a long way to mitigate the pain I cause when I was not at my best. For me, I know one of the things that saved me in the face of my mother's verbal and sometimes physical abuse, was the presence of other stable adults in my life like my grandparents and aunties. The research on resiliency for children growing up with abuse agrees. My husband also suffered a lack of compassion from his parents, and beatings with a belt were commonplace. He is the most steady and loving of parents. When I asked him where he learned this he seriously said, from watching TV shows. I find that incredible, but it again says something about resiliency.

Wow - I'm so sorry you had to (have to) deal with this. Yesterday I was talking with a friend about how the way our parents make us feel can color our whole lives and relationships. She had a verbally abusive father and could do nothing right. So she married a guy she shouldn't have because she didn't think she deserved more. She said that over time she has learned to have more self-value but can still sink back into feeling worthless at times.

Wow, Shel. Just, wow.

She did not! REALLY??? That little move--Your mother is a true poster child for a Passive Agressive personality. Please, Mom, just stop.

Liz, your two girls lean into each other, their affection is evident.

If you were a cat in a house with two sofas, four beds and multiple cushy chairs, where would you want to nap this morning? Did you guess in my freshly packed suitcase? Then you win!

He is but a small creature, however, he makes his presence known.