Friday, March 22, 2019

142.8

Going through yesterday's posts again. Thanks, BB for the topic. Every comment was worth a second time through and continued introspection. Cecily, I ditto the secret eating of mass amounts- my life story! The day before yesterday I had to key into the "mother room" at school where our dept. keeps its personal stuff and supplies. Darkness and no one there -my first Out of Nowhere thought was the cookie and candy stash drawer- and I immediately had an overwhelming urge to snag something out of it. This is the same food junk that I have easily refused when daily offered, and yet I was almost compelled to "take action".

When I was young- 9-10 ish we were occasionally given a short list and money and sent to the store. I would go alone, pay for the items, and use most of the change to buy candy and pastries which I would eat alone as fast as I could in this secret place where no one would see me- I mean gorge- befor delivering the list food home.

It is clear to me that food is wired into my brain connecting way more than just the pleasure of food. It temporarily instills absence of power, thrill seeking, wealth and privilege (we were very poor growing up, and having the abundance of those kinds of food made me feel special for a moment) and also shame, which in my case is a feeling I carried for so long, that now, sometimes I think I sneak eat just to own an emotion that belongs to me. Well, well.

Love and hugs to all us amazing warriors--slashing and parting, parting and hacking through all. Go team. You, each and every one of you make a better person in knowing and sharing with you.

Good Morning All

Running in after a huge day of appointments yesterday - inclusive of over 8 hours driving. And guess what one of our girls had her baby while I was gone ! Shes a beautiful healthy little lady who we will name Mikaela. Mumma is doing pretty well. Hasnt delivered the placenta yet so we will monitor during the day and assist this afternoon if needed. New life is amazing

Here she is - less than 24 hours old

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and I will try and get back to catch up on everyones posts

Hugs

Nanna Shirley :)

What a sweetie-pie. I think you should house break and make a true pet of her!

Oh! I want to snuggle her a bit!

WHERE IS EVERYONE??? It is 5 pm here in Florida and I am the second person posting?

I do feel that I crave carbs in an addictive manner and that addiction is making me crazy right now. I was and can still be a secret banger on bad carbs.

Today was okay - DH went to daycare and the SILs and I went to a good waterfront restaurant for my last birthday meal and poked around cute shops for the afternoon. DH "bought" me a beautiful pendant for my birthday (see picture below).

Today is the 14th Anniversary of my eldest DD's death. Elise was 32 when she passed away from cancer. I sure miss her smile (and everything else). See her pic below too.

Lovely pendant, cherished child. God bless the wonder of her presence in you.

Hugs to you on a sad day...

Edit to add, I love that pendant!! It's very 'you' too.

Beautiful pendant! My best friend's son was killed in a pedestrian auto accident when he was 13, coming up on the 22nd anniversary next month. We never forget him, or stop missing him. His younger brother is now a daddy, and one can't help but wonder what his story would be, although my friend says she tries not to go there too much. How you must miss your lovely Elise too.

Miss 150, shame is a feeling I know well, but have felt less and less as I make peace with many ghosts from the past. When I got my first job, I often used the money to buy things like a bag of Doritos. As an adult I once read, what are you really hungry for? I could never articulated what I was hungry for when I was young, I just knew I hungered and fed that hunger with food. Now I know what I really hunger for, and I try to feed myself what it is I really yearn for.

Tra la la la, it's SPRING BREAK, oh delicious spring break. Having survived the weirdest 3rd quarter ever with polar vortexes, and mountains of snow and more closed school days in a month than we typically have over several years, it is so welcomed.

I got a pedicure, my books are arriving from Amazon, my suitcases have emerged from the closet, the weather report for Winter Haven reviewed daily, depart on Sunday. I'm ready. Really, really ready!