February Finally! February 1, 2019

We usually do that at least once per week : left overs for dinner. I love it because it makes my life so easy - I don't have to think. I just reheat! Dishes are minimal that way, too. My favorite weeks look like this: Sunday, dinner at home with plenty of protein left over; Monday, Leftovers with a new veggie; Tuesday, more leftovers prepared with a little twist; Wednesday, Pick up Dinner; Thursday, leftovers; Friday nights is always boys night out with BFF, and then Saturday is usually a "date night".

Day 2 successful. Day 2 is usually the tough day, so I should be on the downward slope of sugar detox cravings.

Weight was down a full 3 pounds this morning.

Okay, how funny is this? I forget that you all were obese. I think of you as my thin, successful friends. But when it comes down to it, aren't we really all still in the same boat? It's just that some of you have figured out how to keep a right sized body over time. I'm choosing to look at it as I needed to take a gap year to figure my **** out, and now I'm ready to deal with being an adult. I did the same thing when I graduated HS just before I turned 17. I started college, dropped out, and took a year off.

My mother used to get upset when she dieted. She felt hunger in an emotional way. I am reflecting on that feeling. It was clear she was stressed and panicked because of the feeling. I did not understand it as a young person, but I do now. While I am not panicked I understand the feeling of unease. I felt it yesterday throughout the day.

I have a plan in place and I am relying on the plan. But here's the thing - "addicts" use substances to feel better. I have used booze, cigarettes, pot, etc... and most recently sugar, high fat, high carb combination foods. Without my go to substances, I do feel a bit of unease the first few days. I realized last night that I was indeed physically hungry, but it was far from "emergency" level hunger. What I noticed more was the agitation I felt about not being able to get my fix of fatty carb-o-licious sweetness. I could acknowledge it and was able to comfort myself with the admission that these pangs were normal and indicative of feelings wanting to be allowed to surface, to be acknowledged and to be dealt with. My hope is that by focusing on Adulting I will face with courage the feelings as they arise.

To help me stick to my plan, I have chosen a picture of myself that I am pleased with. This is the picture I am keeping in my mind. It is achievable. It is realistic and above all it is representative of my and my truth. It is a visual that is 100% attainable. In the photo I am not at my thinnest, but probably somewhere between 195 and 205 pounds. It was taken 3 years ago this coming April. I am in a suit and look nice, if I do say so myself. The visions of a perfect "naked" me, need to be developed with positivity. I am truly working on discarding my current fantasy ideals and replacing them with honest ideals. I want my honest ideal to include loose skin, though that's going to be a hard sell to my inner perfectionist. I'm not going to lie thought. I want better than average. I don't want to be average. I want to be more than average. I think that's okay, too. I have spent so long feeling less than, feeling a little more than might be a well deserved respite, as long as I maintain humility and understand the fluidity of the physical condition.

One last dinner tonight to celebrate Ron's 68th. I am planning on figuring out my meal prior to going, so I won't be tempted by any last minute interjections from my inner saboteur.

"I forget that you all were obese."

I'm LOLing! Really! On the floor!

And re that "agitation" you feel -- I still have that sometimes. Yup. I know that feeling.

Peps forgets that we all used to be obese!! Yeah, that's because we are all vastly more than numbers on the scale and don't forget it!