Thursday, January 31, 2019

Weight 124.8, calories 1605. 700 of those happened at 1 am. DH was up every 15 minutes going into the bathroom last night. I think it was because I moved the timing for some of his meds. They are going back to the morning. I fell asleep at least a couple of times before 12:30, but after being reawakened repeatedly I was wide awake and got up. And ate. The bathroom is becoming an issue with him. I can't use it for any time at all without him barging in. I assume it is his Alzheimer's combined with his BPH, but geez it is a real pain. With SIL here, we use one bathroom so this is what happens. Arghhh... I'm tired!

So, I've got some of the streaming apps on free trials. It appears that the cheap version of Hulu and CBS All Access (in addition to Netflix and Prime which we already have) will get us what we need for about $14 a month. Unfortunately the main TV won't get the CBS app and SIL's TV isn't a smart TV. I think we could get by for now with one Firestick, but they are $40. I wish they'd go on sale! Oh and I'm giving the cable company one last chance. I called yesterday and insisted that they send a technician with the box since they can't seem to get it shipped here. They are coming between 1-3. But then they have the audacity to try to have an "advanced" tech support person with an extremely heavy accent call me last night to try to debug the issue on the phone. After I have already spent 3+ hours on the phone with them!!! Oh and one of them said I could go to their "store" to swap the box. Yeah, right. I did that when we first moved here and lost two hours of my life. I really don't see how the cable providers are going to stay in business with the cost/service provided!!!

Oh and one final rant - SIL seems to be hitting the sauce harder this year. She was having 4 a night last year, but I think it is 5+ a lot of nights now. She has gotten underweight and is eating cookies to compensate. Eating very little protein! People have been asking if she is well as she has aged a lot over the last year. She is smart enough to know this isn't healthy but apparently doesn't feel the need to change. I guess as a formerly MO person, I understand - kind of.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for the tirade!

Have a thoughtful Thursday.

Weight: 179.8. But I can tell I need to lose some water. So I'm going to chug today. (And in general try not to eat a ton of crap)

Liz-So sorry to hear about SIL. It's really unfortunate how some people let that rule their lives, and sometimes don't even know. I'm a glass of wine every night kind of gal, sometimes sneaks up to two but I know that's not really okay for me. And then sometimes I try to eliminate it altogether. Occasionally I'll drink socially and a good bit more. DH is the complete opposite--almost never drinks (especially not alone) and when he does it's always in a social setting and can be several because he's very good about making travel arrangements and so I guess he figures might as well. But then I see some of our friends who use it as a crutch--need it, perhaps abuse it. I think I saw some of that come out with my friends on Saturday and I don't like it one bit. It's almost enough to scare me sober (aside from pregnancy sobriety). But what to do about others? And they are always so defensive!

Shel-I had to read your post a couple of times and I'm still digesting. So love the feels of it, even the bittersweet ones. I get that whole "aching to lose weight" thing. I see it in my own family. I don't know how to separate this moral dilemma that people seem to put to weight loss surgery. Now, I know, it's not a cure all. But I do think it has the power to be most effective, especially with lifestyle changes. I know the battles I still face now I faced at 277--but I have so many advantages to fighting them from this angle. That may not be true for everyone, but it's true for me. Ex: last night I walked on a treadmill for 45 min. at 23 weeks pregnant. And talked. I was a little winded, but I could do it. If I even DARED to go to the posh gym at 277lbs, I'd feel defeated by my "small" walk. And then inevitably I would feel like the 0.6lbs. I lost was a drop in the bucket and succumb to my hunger. Anway, I have an aunt and a cousin who are very much like me and refuse to have WLS (another aunt who has...twice...and been successful to some extent twice). And kind of implicit in their deciding not to is that they "know what they should do." In the 9 years since I've had surgery, they've lost and gained weight. It's not that I'm upset with them, I'm upset FOR them. That they think they have to prove that they're worthy of their weight or something. As though it really is a character flaw and only "deserving" people with enough "self discipline" could be 160lbs. I know they want to lose weight, desperately. And I just don't know that will happen without some assistance. Of course I hope it does. And I hope they get to the root of their food issues...something that we all know we ultimately will have to grapple with, Wls or no. But then I'm also so thankful that I didn't let the fears of how people would judge me for the WAY in which I lost weight dictate my past 10 years. If it ever comes up, it's rare. And I'm willing to disappoint those token few narrow-minded individuals in order to be treated better by scads of others. It's a sad truth, but there you have it.

I think you were also touching on some of the self-loathing we learned, maybe because we were overweight. I'll have to stew on that a bit more. One issue I've always had is how can I separate this newfound self-love from being at an "acceptable" place to love myself? In other words, I needed to be worthy and good at 277lbs.--but how do I internalize that believe at, say 160lbs.? Hmmm Thanks for the thoughts. You all rock!

You guys. Meeting with this friend for treadmill time was a total God thing. I reached out to her because we have a lot of similarities--my parents helped her get into law school. I was 2 years behind her and she'd encouraged me to negotiate for a better law school scholarship when my turn came. I did, and I got it (she'd said "we're going to law school to be advocates, after all!). She has 2 little girls, 5 and 3. I kind of wanted to get her thoughts on "doing it all." I wasn't sure if she'd tell me how she wrestled with work and with wanting to stay home. Turns out she's taken on a lot of rental properties to manage to supplement her income and case flow. She's her own boss so she sets her own hours, and she's taken full advantage of that. Rather than pay exorbitant rates for daycare for her girls, she puts them in full immersion spanish one day, mothers day out a couple days, has her MIL pick up the kids one day, hubby another, etc.

The crazy thing is, DH actually wanted me to reschedule this workout so that I could go look about rental properties to buy with him!!! And he'd mentioned me possibly managing them instead of working. Maybe I could do both? Maybe I could do contract work? I'm sure it's all a lot more work than I'm romanticizing it to be, but for the first time I felt excited and eager about the future, both my mom future and my work future. Like there are lots of options! I've been somewhat limiting myself!

Oh, and this gym. Omg. "Posh" would be an appropriate word to describe it. she gets a free guest pass each month so we plan to make this a thing. Unfortunately it's hella expensive and we don't really have "time" to workout as it is. But ooh that would be so fun! Me, saying "fun" to describe a gym?!

How timely to meet up with this friend!

What a great friend to talk with right now! You absolutely will find a way to do it your way!

Bonnie, what good things are showing up for you right now! It's OK to be excited about the future, isn't it? Especially when you have so many new changes happening and NEW OPTIONS also appearing.

And then a "good friend" appeared and canceled out the "freaky friend" from last weekend. That is cool. :)

I feel tired just listening to what your nights are turning into. We all try to do what must be done, but Liz your what must be done seems like such a heavy lift. And yet you do it.

School is closed again!! Yesterday I did as much work from home as I could, but eventually it comes down to needing to be physically in my classroom. So I'll go to work tomorrow, set up my sub plans for 3 days next week, do lesson plans for the first two days I'm back, finish some special ed paperwork, and most importantly reconnect with my students.

I'm having flashes of guilt about being gone Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but I am firmly dismissing these feelings. I am using personal days the district includes in our contract and I could not control the timing of this weather catastrophe. Probably when the warm Sun of Florida hits my face, any lingering uneasiness will melt away.

I'm confused - if school is closed, you still have to use a personal day (it isn't a paid day off like a holiday)?

School closings are complicated. Per our contract in our district, first closing, everyone gets to stay home, don't need to use banked hours. Days 2 and 3, several choices: report to work, use a personal day, go without pay or used hours a teacher banked for snow days (those hours are banked if you can demonstrate you did additional training outside of the contract day and district didn't pay for it). I had banked hours to use. Day 4, everyone stays home again, because this day will need to be made up by students and teachers. So my personal days are still available to me. If I hadn't banked training hours, I would have needed to report on day 2 or 3, or stay home and not be paid.

Things got even more complicated because our superintendent declared Wednesday, day 3, a freebie of sorts. He said it was just too dangerous, and all staff was to stay home, and everyone would be paid. District was locked up tight. I had banked time, so I was okay either way, but I thought it was very compassionate not only for teachers, but for educational assistants, janitors, office staff, food service...

Now the governor is considering a one time reduction in the days required because it was a statewide event of such duration. We haven't even hit the snowiest months, so there may be a need for more snow days. Right or wrong, I think there is always some economic pressure to wrap up the school year. Resort season is short here, and teens are a huge part of the labor force.

Liz, I have a question, and I promise it's just a question, not a suggestion: Is it time for solo therapy for Liz? Not a support group, a message board, online or real-time friends, or family to talk to, but an actual therapist with whom you can explore how to navigate with less exhaustion and emotional pain your current caretaking responsibilities for Paul. (You're the only person who could possibly answer this because you know all the reasons for your answer.)

And here's question #2 that's also a bona fide question, not a suggestion: Does your SIL's arrival make you feel like you now have a second person to care for?