Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Weight 123.2, calories 1345. I thought they would be more... I was sound asleep at 11 last night when Justice barked (someone walked by talking). He went back to sleep but DH got up and started wandering around the room for quite a while repeating it a few times over the hour. So I gave up on sleep and read until about 3 in the other room. And had 3 pumpkin cookies plus some cottage cheese...

Which gets me to my thoughts on Devon's writings. I really hate myself when I eat out of control. For me, being slim is absolutely about feeling in control of myself and my eating. I think I particularly need it now when I have no control over what us happening with DH which is bringing back some of my feelings as an adult child of an alcoholic. Which was when I started overeating to soothe myself.

Anyway, on the controlled eating path, this is the recipe I used for Mississippi Pot Roast: https://www.mom4real.com/easy-instant-pot-mississippi-pot-ro ast-recipe/. The only thing I added was 20 pre-peeled baby carrots. There are many recipes out there out there but they are all variations on this. The originals are in a crock pot. It was fantastic! It was a bit too salty so I need to adjust the ingredients some to reduce that. Other than that, I am going to eliminate the steamer basket (no need) and put the entire bag of carrots in (there was room and they were great). Things I was unsure of but worked out: I shredded both the beef and the peppers and put all of it back in the juice. The peppers are not too spicy btw. I served it with a slotted spoon (so there wasn't too much sauce on the plate) over mashed potatoes for DH and SIL and sans potatoes for me. I might use riced or mashed cauliflower for me next time though.

SIL and I loved it, but DH was in a nasty mood last night and while shoveling it in said I was giving him something that would upset his stomach. It didn't...

Today it is supposed to be 80. We have burgers by the pool day here or I can go to my Alzheimer's support group. Since this may be the only warm day for a while I may opt for the pool (it was too cool yesterday). I feel like I need it more than the group.

Have a wonderous Wednesday!

Weight: 135.4
Macros: Calories - 1,490, Carbs - 112, Fats - 59, Protein - 108, Fiber - 25
Sleep hours: 9 hours ... YOOHOO!
Vegetable/Fruit Servings: 7
Water glasses: 1
Exercise: 10,500 steps
Meditation: Yes

Boy, those nine hours of sleep were so delicious! Some mornings (like today) I'm awakened by riverboat horns on the Mississippi, less than a mile away. Neat!

And speaking of Mississippi ... Liz, thanks for the Mississippi pot roast recipe. I'd never heard of or eaten this pot roast version, but it looks great!

Yesterday was my third French class. I'm so glad I chose the baby class this winter. It's getting a little easier to understand the teacher and to pronounce a few basic words and phrases. The pronunciation and "mouth" of French are so different from other languages I've studied (German and Spanish), and I appreciate this opportunity to be confused without feeling (too) embarrassed or frustrated. BTW, my current homework is learning how to count from 0 - 30. Fancy, eh? Maybe we'll soon learn how to tie our shoelaces in French. LOL!

Today I will pump iron at the new gym. The weather forecast says I'll be walking through the park in the rain, but that could be fun, since I brought rain boots and can splash in the puddles!

And tonight I'm going out to eat in the French Quarter with my friend who hosted the fancy dinner party Monday night. Moderation, moderation, moderation! Although that sounds more like obsession than moderation, eh?

Today's theme: Moderation.

River boat horns on the Mississippi! Memories of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn and Scarlett and Rhett's honeymoon cruise are stirred...

I have never been to NOLA. Perhaps I should add it to my bucket list.

I did the same Peps :)

I think its definately on my bucket list - Im loving hearing Anns adventures

Maybe I should pop a note in a bottle and drop it into the headwaters of the Mississippi here in Minnesota, and see if it reaches you in it's delta. :) On an even sillier note, my BIL in Texas lives on the east side of interstate 35, we live on the east side, so he claims we just live across the road. :)

Weight: 176.2 today, I think. 22 weeks pregnant. Not so bad. Isn't it weird that the more I worry, I seem to eat like "well, that battle is already lost!" Such weird psychology I have with weightloss. Which is maybe why no one-size fits all.

Thank you Devon for sharing your perspectives on why you don't want to be overweight. I have a lot of reasons, but they aren't entirely ones that motivate me to have to work at it. Ya know? Or at the very least, it was so much harder, more "costly" if you will for me to lose weight that even with an abundance of societal pressure to be thin, it didn't move the mark. I'm not even sure what finally convinced me to have surgery. For one, I wasn't sure it would work, and I'm still not sure what that even means? Is merely losing the weight justification of the surgery? Keeping off the weight for 5 years, 10 years, a lifetime? I'm pretty happy now with the experiences I've had over the past 8.5 years. It's been a great vacation. And probably good for my health. But I know that regain is so dang tough, mentally tough especially. I really admire you and Missbonnie and really all of us who are fighting the fight. But that takes me back to: what are we fighting for? I really believe in loving your body, loving yourself. Not just loving yourself because you have permission to because you've reached what society deems to be a suitable body size. (I say this, but it's a constant struggle, I promise). But then where does that leave my push to be thin? If I'm happy with myself...where's that drive? I guess I've been motivated to do a lot of things in my life, and weightloss chief among them, because I"m unhappy or ashamed of something. More of the stick. Hmmm. More pondering to do. Thanks.

Maybe I'm totally off base on looking at other people's diets. I know mine isn't fabulous, but it's all about moderation, or at least I'd like to think. I have fasting friends, vegan friends, and "keto" friends. And, especially as I've been pregnant for practically two years now and only an onlooker, I want to say "you're all insane!!" A friend almost canceled game night on us because she's keto. Sure she's lost 13lbs. Of course I"m afraid the minute a carb passes her lips she'll put that right back on. That's how I was with Atkins. I guess I just feel like I tried it all. And failed it all. But maybe that was just me and maybe this is good for them. I just struggle to think that high protein high fat is healthy! My friend who is a dialysis nurse concurs. But isn't that the problem with the diet industry? We're told so many conflicting things!

I'm really bored of breakfast, currently. I don't have the energy to want to make it and old standbys are boring. But boring is supposed to be healthy, go figure.

Good morning!

How many of us are thinking of Cecily today? (Everyone raises their hand.) I love hearing what all of you DO, even if it doesn't sound that exciting to you. We are so much more than the number on the scale.

Why don't I like being overweight? When I was just overweight, or even BMI 30's, it was mostly the shame and insecurity (a Peps reference) steeped into my soul. Later, SMO was literally disabling and I DID NOT FIT IN THIS WORLD.

Eventually a cancer diagnosis (obesity can fuel hormone positive cancers like mine) should have scared the fat right off of me but it didn't. (Which reminds of something BB said about what should motivate you doesn't always motivate you.)

What I enjoy most about not being fat is the ability to do things, all sorts of things. Vanity is certainly mixed in and social acceptance is fiercely welcome. I may not be the sharpest pencil in the room, but I am always given the benefit of doubt.

I have been described as "intimidating" in a couple of recent evals. I have been called many things but never intimidating. (I want to ask, "by intimidating, do you really mean nice?") It is very curious if simply being a fit woman twists my persona into intimidating. Just imagine if I also wore pant suits!

You social butterflies do have it harder! (I'm including scrabble players in that.) I am rooting for you to figure it out so I can copy. Shirl and Liz, your descriptions of relationships with step kids are heartening. There is always hope.

Embrace the day!

Shel

Yes there is always hope and my hand is raised for Cecily.

IMHO intimidating is used to describe confident outspoken women (usually by men). A STRENGTH from my perspective!

Thanks Shel - yes always hope. I said that to DH over the years as he ached missing her. We never gave up and are now being rewarded in the most amazing way. I have the daughter I always wanted x

The cold continues to be friends with my scale. I have been holding steady at 254-5 for several weeks. One day I even said hello to 256. Today it's 253. I'll take what little victories I can.

I am home today. I got home and went to bed before 4:00 pm yesterday. I dozed on and off until 8:30 when I forced myself to get out of bed. I had a bite of dinner (maybe 2 oz of chicken breast and 1/2 cup of salad). And set about making sub plans. I really did feel crappy. Sleeping so much yesterday during the day made it hard to go to sleep last night. I was up until 1:00. Sometime around 1:30 am, I think whatever bug I've got decided it was time to let go. I started sweating from head to toe. Not gushing, just a flush of dampness enough to make me kick off the covers. I felt much better this morning, but very far away from 100%.

Revisiting the reasons to be thin... After reading some of what other people said, I realized some of those were once my objectives, too. I met those and luckily they did not go away with regain - I am still pretty darn fit and my aerobic capacity is pretty badass. I can hoist a 40 pound sack of dog food like it is a pillow, and I am highly mobile. From flat on my back to fully upright takes a mere second or two WITHOUT THE USE OF MY HANDS. I can box jump 24-30 inches and do all sorts of pushups (even friggin' hand stand push ups on a wall!). So those physical things are not motivators for me. I am a pretty good example of fit and fat.

I am down to discovering the core beliefs that have made me abuse food. I think perhaps because my food abuse goes back to my early childhood as do the messages I got from without about being fat, heavy, plump, husky, whatever you want to call it... it has taken me longer to unwrap the issues. For me, surgery was a great answer to losing weight, but it was not the answer for keeping it off. I did not spend the time fixing my head and heart. I thought it was all about the food. I had no idea how deeply important the emotional component of eating was for me. Now I understand it, but the work is very hard and uncomfortable. This is some of the hardest emotional work I have ever done in my life. I don't like it. There is truth to the saying "Ignorance is Bliss".

My obesity goes beyond food choice, nutritional knowledge, and poor eating habits. Like Liz, I have deeply rooted coping mechanisms from my childhood experience that need to be examined and changed. I am fairly certain that without the regain after WLS I would not be following this path. So while as embarrassing and shame inducing as regain has been, it has also been a godsend. I'm fairly certain that working this way will lead to a long term solution to my weight management.

Now, if this cold would run its course and be gone....