12/20/18, Thursday

1. Within Range: yes
2. General Wellbeing: 9 on SS
3. 10,000+ Steps: 9366
4. Fitness: walking
5. Self-Care: listened to music
6. Play/Leisure:
7. Intention: Finish 2018 the way I intend to start 2019.

Saw the sun for a while yesterday !!! Liz, hope Paul made the trip with grace. Sorry to hear Ron has more bag time in his future ! When DC's catheter is removed the 28^th, he moves to 4-6 weeks of anticipated incontinence and adult diapers, as muscles and mechanics readjust. Fortunately, we did some trial runs before the surgery, and found nice grey jockey style Depends for Men he can live with.

Putting some last minute things together for my Saturday Syracuse Christmas. Oldest DD goes to Boston for holidays with her in-laws. Youngest DD will be in her childhood home with her dad, until she returns to work Wednesday. Sometimes, I'd give anything for them to be 4 & 6 and so excited and enchanted about Christmas magic, all going to bed and waking up in the same house. But, they are 30 & 32, well adjusted and successful young women, excited and enchanted about their lives and careers.

Weight: 135.2
Macros: Cals - 1,128, Carbs - 67, Fats - 20, Protein - 119, Fiber - 11
Sleep hours: 8.5
Vegetable/Fruit Servings: 2
Water glasses: 1
Exercise: None
Meditation: No

I'm back.

Long story short - still have not had my second cataract surgery. The right eyelid is still infected, and my surgeon refused to operate again this week. As of two days ago, I'm on a new medication and putting hot compresses on my right eye for 30 minutes 3 times a day to bring blood (carrying the antibiotics in my system) to my very thin-skinned eyelid. After only two days of this latest regimen, my eyelid is finally calming down and I have hope again.

So why did I go MIA?

Late last week I became emotionally overwhelmed by my powerlessness in this very unexpected medical situation and since then have been digging my way out of one of the deepest holes I've been in in a long time. For three days, I fell into overeating, comfort eating and even binge eating, until I came up with the right mantra/positive self-talk/intention for the moment: I am worth saving. I will save myself.

Fortunately, this past Monday was my scheduled monthly therapy session. I managed to drive two hours each way (with an eye patch) to see my therapist. His big advice: "Your assignment right now is to get an 'A' in moderation." In other words, if I can't be perfect now (and I cannot), I must do the things I can do, e.g., I can't do skin care (surgeon doesn't want anything on my face bu****er), but I can brush my teeth; I can't do 60 minutes of yoga (I fall over), but I can do 20 minutes of restoration; I can't walk 12,000 steps/day (I'm too tired), but I can do 6,000; I can't throw my family Christmas Eve party, but I can let my niece drive me to their family event on Sunday night.

I'm not worrying about when I'll get to New Orleans. My priority is to do what I am supposed to do to help my right eyelid to heal so I can have my second cataract surgery.

I'm better than I was 5 days ago. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am worth saving. And I will save myself.

Yes you will save yourself. Thank goodness for good therapists. Next year you will look back and this will be a small blip, but it is hard to not feel in control.

When we treasure order and control, and successfully manage our own day-to-day opportunities, the missteps resulting from being human, hit us hard. Your therapist had some great advice. Breathe, make the next best choice until you have different/better options AND feel our love and support. You've got this !!

I am glad to see you here today! I had been thinking about you --- you, the person who takes care of others.

Healing vibes to you, my friend.

Sending hugs and encouragement your way. I think it's extra hard when the pace of our life's movement comes to a jarring halt. The rock in the path is just that- something that needs to be addressed. The lovely road you are on, Ann, is still there ahead of you-( see it--beautiful!) Do the work that needs to be done now; it will not be rushed-you cannot whine about the rock being there (it is what it is), nor can you eat it away. You are so wise- moderation is doing what you can in caring love for yourself, and forgiving responsibility for what can't be controlled. Breath and let the healing happen. I am so rooting for you!

I need to remember this ~ you cannot eat it away.

I'm glad you posted and shared your reason for being MIA. Your post immediately helped me feel less alone, less isolated, and more normal.

I am so sorry you went to the dark place. I understand how scary it is to be there. I am happy that you are able to glom onto your therapist's words about moderation. That would be hard for me to do, but I sure do see the sense in what he says.

Be well, dear lady! You are much loved and admired here.

Oh boy I know that hole, Ann, too well having lived in it for months after my plastics. I'm so sorry you fell in too, but I'm proud of you for coming up with ways to make it a little less deep so you can see the light coming in from outside. Sending you a blast of good healing vibes...

Cecily, I've truly thought about you and those frustrating post-plastics days and weeks and months when you had to be the person responsible for your recovery. It's a tough place to be -- living alone and showing up for yourself.

Respect to you also for recognizing you are worth saving and for continuing to find ways to save yourself.

Hugs.