11/07/18, Wednesday

Hello All ! 2 AM here... Up and drinking coffee after showering and crashing at 6PM after "desert day". We trekked to Joshua Tree National Park for a desert fix. I put some photos on my OH profile page, but am having trouble sliding them over with my pad. It was 85 degrees, deep blue sky, and a 15 on the serenity scale ! To remain serene and avoid 10 or 15 and massive traffic, we returned via the Anza Borrego desert and mountains via 8, and minus the hair pin turns on guardrailless drop offs into massive canyons. We saw Palm Springs both ways...sweaty from trail/rock climbing, which precluded shopping !

Ann, I share your dinged ribs.. slipped and crashed onto hotel tub wearing socks on tile floor, mushing left ribs. It's amazing how bones can crunch without fat layers protecting them. You are so fortunate to have no broken bones and to have remained conscious ! Cecily, I hope you are feeling better, especially after your recent session. Peeling the onion and replacing those old tapes are hard but necessary parts of our journey. Devon, BB, and Diane have all touched on seeking perfection v. "settling" for good enough. Thinking a specific weight would make our lives perfect almost makes regain inevitable. I'm finding that the more I continue to address the pieces comprising the holistic view, the more I can tweak manageable chunks and track growth toward progress. Defining how serenity looks, feels, sounds like is crucial to attaining it, but given how life unfolds...serenity is a moving target in shifting sand. No wonder maintenance is such a challenge!

Continuing the quest to be a first rate version of myself ! Have a great hump day !!

A recent slip with broken ribs and loss of consciousness???

Ann took a hard fall and REMAINED conscious.

:)

But for the record, I did lie there on the floor for at least five minutes afterward, just trying to figure out how much damage I had done. I definitely felt stunned.

I don't think I would excel at combat fighting of any kind. ;)

Clever like an armadillo.

Please do rest and recover.

I meant did that happen to you?

Weight 123.2, calories 907. I have been seriously ostriching so it was time to weigh. I was in that old mode of "if I just eat well for a week, then I'll weigh". So some days have been good and some not. A lot of physical and emotional stress getting moved but I'm back to routine (more or less). I hadn't weighed since 10/19 (almost 3 weeks ago). I'm exactly 2 pounds up from that weight but almost exactly the same as a month ago (I did the high protein, low carb, low calorie thing in between). So I'm about where I was before our ten day trip out west.

Cecily, you struck a real chord when you said "when I feel bad about myself I eat to make me happy momentarily, which only reinforces the negative false truths". That can be me on many days. Then there are the others (usually reinforced by wine which I imbibed in a lot while vacationing), that I deserve to eat what I want...

Anyway, we are here in the sunshine! It is much more HOT and HUMID this year than usual. The AC is on in our place constantly and afternoon walks are difficult. The pool water is like bath water. Maybe we will do the beach tomorrow or on Friday for some breeze. DH is still adjusting. Our trip here was mostly smooth, except I forgot my keys. Luckily some people here had spares. But time wise, the flight was less than three hours, we got an Uber right off the plane, and were home in 15 minutes. DH got lost 3 times the first day walking the dog, then again in the middle of the night looking for the bathroom. I found him on the couch in the morning. The first two full days he slept until noon. But he was oriented enough to walk Justice and not get lost yesterday and was enjoying music last night once I got Alexa up and functioning. Justice is happy as a clam btw - he is now sleeping in our King size bed.

More tomorrow! Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Weight: 168.4

I'd like not to gain any more for the next week before my appointment. That'll put me up about 2lbs. It's crazy how nothing or a loss, and then whamo gain 1.5 in a day.

Diane O.-oh no! Bruised ribs?

Liz-glad you are settling in to sunny Florida.

Diane S.-I think you said your propositions were complicated? I agree with our state questions. I waffled on all of them. I have a legal education and I struggled with them. There's something wrong!!

ETA comments for:

Ann-Oh no! Just read about your fall too. My mom took a plunge last week. I'm glad you're okay, but definitely take the doctor's orders to heart and enjoy the reading. I wish I could say someone telling me not to exercise would change things--ha. I really need to get out there. You make it look so lovely.

Paula-you sure sound upbeat! It's turning cold here (35 for a high in the forecast!!) so I can't imagine up where you are! I'm a big fan of intuitive eating--just so long as you have a good measuring device to keep yourself honest. Aka, weighing. I was really happy around the low 150s and it's crept up--18 months ago to about 167 (not counting my current weight because I'm pregnant). I shouldn't have let it get that high. It think it's human nature for over time your portion sizes or like with me from 1 glass of wine to 2--and as long as you're willing to take time to "reset," I have a strong faith in intuitive eating for some people. Which I guess if I have to reset is it intuitive? So I guess I do a combo. I never fully trust myself. But I sure do enjoy eating as I like within sane limits. Well now I'm just rambling. Does that make sense?

I'm disappointed in the election. The democrat I voted for failed, the Republican I voted for failed. The rest were pretty much pre-determined so no matter. I got a bit teary eyed going to the poling place yesterday (just the gravity of it, taking becca with me) and was immediately disappointed to go STRAIGHT to the front of the line at 8:15am. I was hoping maybe the lines were longer in the evening, but my DSD said no.

That is one thing to be excited for yesterday: DSD called me to ask about the state questions. She was voting for the first time and reviewing her sample ballot I'd sent her (I thought it'd go straight to junk mail). I just wish there had been more enthusiasm--though I hear in other places there was!

A friend came and watched Becca while I got my hair done. I cheated on my hairdresser of 12 years and I think I'm going to have to beg for forgiveness! My hair looks good (although sadly some length gone) but the new hairdresser was substantially more expensive and not much, if any, better.

I am home with Becca today. The babysitter's son suddenly spiked a 104.7 degree fever yesterday and the doctor thought virus to which Becca had already been exposed. But I didn't want to take any chances!

Cooler weather on the way.

Weight: ?
Macros: ?
Sleep hours: 4
Vegetable/Fruit Servings: 1
Exercise: No
Meditation: Yes

OK, today, I'm going to lay everything out by topic. Here goes ...

Injuries: Damn, I am sore! And not only is my body sore, but this fall has truly disoriented me - not concussively, but spiritually and psychologically. As that classic book of aphorisms tells us at Proverbs 16:18: "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." Ouch! In other words, my self-confidence has been shaken.

This is the first time since WLS I've been laid up with anything (other than my gall bladder surgery a month post-WLS) and it's not a good thing. For one thing, it's been hard to breathe deeply, which just makes me feel worse, not wanting to move or exercise in any way. Yesterday's chiropractic appointment helped though - this morning is the first time I've really been able to take deep breaths. It's obvious that my body feels better when it gets a LOT of oxygen.

Self Medicating with Food: Gulp! Since my fall, I've been eating a lot of carbs, bread, cheese, very few veggies and fruits, and not nearly enough protein. Last night I wound up drinking three big glasses of skim milk, something I haven't done since WLS. At least, craving milk (with calcium and other minerals) is understandable after banging my skeletal system around so badly. But it's time to curb the comfort eating. I commit to y'all that today I will plan and track my food, minimize the carbs, eat substantial number of veggies and fruits, and eat 100 grams of protein.

Water: I'm just bloody dehydrated, mostly because I got in the mode of not drinking much during all the long days of driving these last few weeks. I commit to y'all today to drink 6 full glasses of water (in addition to coffee, protein shake, skim milk in coffee, etc.) and report my water here to y'all tomorrow morning.

Exercise: The chiropractor advised me to take it easy physically this week and not go to exercise classes. He's right that this isn't the right time to work on my planks and side arm stands, but today I do need to start walking, even if slowly, and get in at least 6,000 steps, which is not impossible. I also commit to y'all that I will do 6,000 steps today and report those to you tomorrow.

Weighing: I also haven't weighed since last Saturday morning, and I commit to y'all that I will weigh tomorrow morning and report it here. It's past time to get up, suit up and show up for myself.

Funeral: My DH's son's passing was such a sad, awful situation. It turns out that he and his ex-wife had a blow-up argument just before he disappeared. For those of you who haven't been following this story, he went missing several weeks ago. A week after his disappearance, after several search efforts, his body was finally found at the edge of his 40 acre-property. The coroner's report said he died of "natural causes," most likely a coronary event, given that his blood pressure the week before he disappeared was 240/something and that the autopsy revealed a badly enlarged heart.

He was only 57 years old, had been in chronic pain for 30 years (following a terrible motorcycle accident in his 20s) and had suffered badly physically and mentally following the regulatory crackdown on prescriptions of opioid prescriptions to which he was addicted. It was just a terrible situation for him.

Yet amidst all that, he was such a sweet man. I had last spoken with him in July when he called to check up on me following his dad's death (earlier this year) and to thank me for being such a good wife to his dad and making him so happy. It was the dearest conversation during which he didn't speak at all about himself or his issues, only to ask how I was doing and to show me kindness and gratitude.

Needless to say his remaining siblings and his mother (my husband's first wife who now lives in England) were devastated, even though there was a shared sense that his early death was predictable given his long physical and psychological struggles.

This next bit is pretty harsh. Aside from sharing the grief that everyone was feeling, I was shocked to observe what an unbelievably narcissistic, self-absorbed, nutcase his mother (my husband's first wife) is. Before last weekend I'd met her only twice and very briefly. I came home with an even greater admiration for my husband and his love for life, his determination to survive his marriage to her for 28 years, and the great devotion and care he gave to his children who had drawn the short straw of their mother. Yes, I know how horrible that sounds. But you'd have to have been there and seen and heard how she left others slack-jawed with her misinterpretations of past events, invalidated everyone else's thoughts and comments, refused to let anyone else speak at the memorial service (yup, I'm not kidding!), and in so many other ways that I don't have the energy to describe in detail now).

In fact, after writing the above paragraph, I understand better why I feel so poorly right now. I believe some people are so poisonous they can inject the environment and others with their poison. I was incredibly glad to get the hell out of there. I also think I need to burn some sage around here and start focusing on my many blessings.

Today's theme: Begin anew, again.

No joke, sage is a very good idea ! When you meditate today, consider picturing positive energy coming in to the top of your head, looping through your body to your boo boos, and leaving your body to form a protective bubble to hold healing where you need it and to protect you from negative energy.