10/22/18, Monday

1. Within Range: Yes
2. General Wellbeing: 8 on SS
3. 10,000+ Steps: 1,824
4. Fitness: walking (shopping)
5. Self-Care: No
6. Play/Leisure: Sadie nature walk between rain drops
7. Interest/Talent/Skill: No

Highs in the mid-40s for the next few days. Saw the sun for a few minutes, but mostly I'm weary of the dreary ! It feels like cabin fever in March !! I know I am impacted by SAD, I really just need some sun ! Liz, in response to your question, eventually I see us RVing with the sun in the winter. This year, DC will be having two surgeries (urinary & hip replacement) and my Mom is turning 90 in December and is in failing health. They are not planning to repair the hole above her aortic valve and she is just not bouncing back from her recent valve reinforcement.

I was noticing my wine consumption creeping back up again. Two glasses a day is excessive for me. There is a fine line between habit and addiction and there is simply no nutritional value there. No wine for me on weeknights, and one glass on Fridays and Saturdays.

Seeking serenity and the sun !

Weight: 137.0
Macros: Cals - 1,457, Carbs-141, Fats 49, Protein-2,293 , Fiber-33
Sleep hours: 8
Vegetable/Fruit Servings: 8
Exercise: Walked
Meditation: Yes

Yesterday was a much better day than Saturday. However, the pain that led DH's son to his death has been hard to contemplate. The autopsy has been completed, although not the toxicity panels, and at this point "natural causes" are cited as the cause of death, which seems like quite the euphemism. His brother said to me on Saturday, "It seems he just walked to the edge of the property, laid down, and died."

Although we will never know the whole of his passing, I've learned he had been threatening suicide since mid-summer. So many people are in terrible distress. I've tried to contemplate that pain, not to turn away from it, but also not to wallow in it. One lesson that's so obvious to me is how very much of our distress is created by our own decisions and actions that we hoped would be solutions for our pain.

Today I see my therapist, which is fortunate timing.

Today's theme is part of a meditation I've been working with lately in combination with being willing to be curious about and experience my pain, not happy-facing it: I wish for my pain to end, to be happy, to find peace.

Hugs

I thought of you and your family a lot yesterday. Hugs to you all.

Oh, Ann- your observation about distress created by decisions/actions in hopes of solutions for pain. Crystal clear.

Being curious and open enough to face and experience pain? I am coming to believe there is an (albeit very back sided and intensely sharp) compensation to be gained-( not being machoistic in any way, but rather, -) that growth and self actualization -- eyes-truly-open to what fully living life is about when we dare to experience the wholeofitall and will be had. Like being willing to cut ourselves down the middle and spill out bodies and souls on the floor in the expectation-hope-AND anticipation that the Great I Am of the universe- (whatever form the manifestation of that first seed as revealed to us is) will encounter, enlighten, and then knit us back together more suitable, capable and able to be of use to ourselves and others.

Your wish to be happy and find peace is a truly courageous venture- not something that is dropped down upon us, but rather something that is earned by hard work. You are so very capable--grab it ---eat it all!

So very sad to read that :( Sending you my strength n HUGS x

Good morning,

I'm off today. Originally, I thought I might try to meet up with Liz in Portland but I'll just wave really hard so maybe she can feel my breeze.

I decided I needed a self care day....not one of rest, necessarily, but one of getting things done which will allow more ease in the final push to the end of the year.

Yesterday, DH mentioned he made an odd internet purchase: cowboy boots. My jaw dropped. He is in no way Western. Just last Saturday, DD's X-Country meet was in the country and DH announced "look, there is a horsey in the field! Look at it standing there, eating!" The farm girl in me always smiles at these pronouncements but I am not surprised because he was born and raised in an urban environment.

He is also not what I would call fashion forward. But, he said he had always sort of wanted cowboy boots so OK then.....surprising, but entertaining and heaven knows the man needs something to enjoy. I tried to process. In contrast to DH, I grew up in a family that actually wore cowboy boots.

My first comment was: well, at least this proves you wouldn't be a pig farmer so that's good news." He understandably didn't know that cow farmers outrank pig farmers and pig farmers never wear cowboy boots.

Then, I told him "never wear them with your jeans tucked in." He doesn't own boot cut jeans (yet)

Then, he shows me a picture of the boots (they haven't arrived yet) and the shoe part of the boot is OSTRICH. WTF?

I could no longer hide giggles. Thru tears, I said "get thee to the doctor." Also, "you can't wear those in Iowa. Or, around my family."

I mean, I want to be supportive, but OSTRICH? (Also, thoughts of Manafort danced thru my mind which really didn't relate but were disconcerting.)

I texted a friend about the situation. Her answer: "call 911" I showed DD the picture and she is pre-mortified that her friends might see.

Today, I wake up feeling embarrassed about my visceral reaction to the boots. Still, I pre-hate the Ostrich part.

And, that's my Shallow Shel story. Thanks for listening.

Diamond, I love that group of yours. Smart. Non-divisive. You are the adults in the room. Thanks for showing how it is done!

Shel

Ostridge boots, indeed! Please tell your DH that he made someone's life a blissful and hilarious moment- indeed day. I cannot stop smiling.

Now, really--get serious and fashion forward, man. May I suggest the following trend: Better suited to the sensibilities of Iowa- AND- handy on the ranch, be it cattle or pigs- Baby boots, the new rage.

Thanks for the smile! I am a little worried about my comments about pig farmers (some of my best friends are pig farmers....)

BTW, I, of course, went to the RnY forum to see your post. I am sure you will get support, hopefully some advice, too, even tho it is an unusual story.

Thanks Shel - managing DH is tough and trying to add an activity for me would be a stretch (with or without him). I appreciate the thought though! I had the same, but had to discard it unfortunately.

Hmmm... men's ostrich boots. Interesting?!?