Monday September 3, 2018

Late post! Weight 165.

With a few parties the last week, I've seen a lot of people I haven't seen since last year. Apparently, given the compliments, I look really different and a hell of a lot better since I last saw everyone. Funny how the rapid changes in the first year and a half post VSG (plus plastic surgery on top of that) are so dramatic.

While part of me is rolling around in the compliments like a pig in mud, my inner fat frumpy girl is rebelling and wanting to eat in response. Like I sometimes don't just hear the good comment, I hear the unspoken flipside of what they thought of how I looked before. There are some self-destructive tendencies in me. Like instead of guarding my new hard-won waist, I eat crap and then look to see what it's doing to my new body. It feels a little like playing Russian roulette with Peanut M&Ms. Why after all the hell I went through would I put it all in jeopardy? This maintenance business is about so much more than jus****ching what you eat and making good choices. It's a fight against demons...

All the positive compliments are also making me mourn a bit for the life I might have had if I hadn't wasted so much of it in a body that couldn't keep up or attract anyone and had me literally hiding away for decades for fear of judgment. All I can do is live as fully as I can going forward, but it sucks at the same time. My friends have kids going off to college this year and are having 20th wedding anniversaries and I feel like my life never got started and yet I'm inhabiting a 46 year old's body and don't know how to be a "normal adult". Sigh. I need to go back to my therapist when I get back to CA!

No food Russian roulette today at least. And I am working up the incline levels and my time on the treadmill in preparation for Utah. So I'm trying, but losing a few battles along the way. Tis all I have to report today.

Liz, happy traveling! Shel, my condolences for your FIL. As always I adore your pictures! DianeO, as a golden lover, I hope they find your friend's doggy soon. Peps, good looking back! And darling puppy... Miss Bonnie, I hope your day got much better. DianeS, I have a kitchen table like that. And a front hall bench. And a junk room. Stephanie, I love the start of college football season! Paula, I'm so pleased you're finding your happy with this new man.

Wishing you all a good Tuesday ahead!

Lots of me in your post. So glad you are able to see the flip side fat girl reaction of eating rebellion. I have had many "what if" moments since VSG. I have learned that without VSG I would not be having a lot of these revelations and am so grateful that VSG was the kickstart to my journey to emotional health. That you are so aware of what's going on in your response to all you're experiencing is fantastic. That alone arms you with a lot to keep you in the body you've worked so hard to achieve. Hugs!

Lots of good thought work here Cecily! Good for you! Not even sure you need that therapist when you get home as you have already done some deep work! Always good to talk about it though with someone that can help you process it all!