Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Still procrastinating my packing. Mostly because I'm scare of my clothes. How weird is that? I basically wear the same thing every day now, mostly compression workout pants and a shirt. I'm scared to find out what of my newer clothes don't fit anymore, not sure what I can wear without showing my still ugly thigh scars (shorts, dresses and skirts seem out right now). And scared that nothing will fit and I'll be wearing compression pants and t shirts for eternity. This is not a new thing for me. I was scared of my clothes before I lost weight too. And after. Then I made peace. Now the peace is broken again. It's probably why I let me closet turn into such a disaster prior to remodeling it. I'm ostriching over my clothes...

I must get packing now or I'll be in deep doo doo. And I said I'd go to the movies this afternoon with some friends in an attempt to force me to pack before then. It didn't work!

Anyway, time to go face my closet demons... I want some of Ann's chill!!!

Hey, I know that scared of clothes feeling!

I've been meaning to tell Devon I am so sorry about the puppy and the rock. Hope everything continues to improve, though that must be terribly stressful.

Weight: 168.4. I'll chime in with a FUUUUuuuck here too.

I'm feeling really hungry recently and a general "I give zero *****" about it. Not really. I have to get this under control before I cannot wear my clothes. 167-170 is the top end of what my clothes allow, albeit uncomfortably. 160-165 they start fitting better. 155-160 is my jam. Maybe it's not ideal, but I also tend to weigh heavier in the fall/winter months. So I'd really like to lose at least 10lbs. before mid-October so that I'm not heavy before that time of year. I want all this. But I'm not feeling the motivation to follow through.

Every day just seems so hectic. Yesterday we went to have our knives sharpened and by the time we got home it was almost 8pm. I felt accomplished just because I went ahead and cooked dinner--I had already defrosted the salmon and soaked the plank. I did a planked salmon with maple-spice smoke seaosning (from a spice store), grilled japanese eggplant (sesame oil, garlic, sherry, soy sauce), teensy bit of rice, cantaloupe. But then I overcooked the salmon while trying to help DH with Becca's bath. Grr. Still good though.

I took the morning off from work (nice to have a flexible job) to take Becca to a playdate a friend was hosting. It was so nice to be around all these moms. Although I'll admit I felt some jealousy that they get to do this on the reg. But I'm sure the grass is always greener.

Speaking of, I had to make a decision recently about Nugget's care. I've had her on the list for this fab church daycare that's only a few minutes from my house. She's been on the list since I found out I was pregnant. IN the meantime I had to find something for her so I found an in-home daycare. This summer the woman only has Nugget and her own 2.5 year old. I was apprehensive at first, but now so thankful and happy. This sitter gives Becca so much attention. Plus, she's 60% of the cost of the church daycare. But I had a dilemma: put her in church daycare, pay more. Plus there's 4 kids to a teacher/8 kids and 2 teachers per room. Or keep her with the sitter who will add another toddler this fall. I'd fall to the bottom of the waitlist at the church, which means if for some reason the sitter quits, I'd be up a creek. Luckily I found a solution I'm comfortable with. First of all, I went back up to church daycare to see how it feels. It still feels great, but honestly she cannot take advantage of so much of what they have to offer until she's older. What she needs now is touch and comfort. Turns out that the daycare had neglected to put us on the members list--and members get priority. So rather than falling to the bottom of the list, she'd be the first one on the 1 yr. old room list. So I decided to keep Nugget at the sitter until her 1st birthday and take that risk. I'm so thankful to feel at ease with this decision. Once she's toddling around I think she'll really benefit from the activities at the daycare and watching older kids and be better able to fend for herself. But now I like that the sitter holds and comforts her :) Yay! Win of the week.

It sounds like you made a perfect decision. Before I actually got to the part where you decided what to do, I was thinking that a good home daycare is best while she is this small and not really interacting much with others. The more attention she gets the better. Then a bigger daycare when she is ready to play with others. So I think you ended up with what seems to be the best option for Becca (and your own peace of mind).

I agree with Liz...perfect decision!

I totally concur ! As a mom, you have to learn to trust your gut and then not second guess yourself. You are doing great ! Nugget is so lucky to have you !

OK, now I'm laughing at all you ******s.

LOL!

I actually kind of like the F word too! I swore like a sailor in college, cleaned my act up a bit when I dropped an F bomb at work by mistake (college job at a video store, not a "real" job). Then I found Jesus and really cleaned up my act. It was VERY rare if I ever swore, then my kids became teenagers and drove me nuts and my main coping mechanism was swearing like a sailor again (even though I still have Jesus in my life). I'm sure Ben cringed every time one of those words came out of my mouth! I'm trying to not have a potty mouth but still do when the kids make me especially angry.

Had fun SUPing today! Got to get to sleep now, house cleaner will be here at 7:30.

Oh...... yesterday was **** of a day....!

Devon lost his cookies of serene and calm and in their place found uptight and harried! OVERVIEW: Moving right along after Dottie's rock removal surgery, I think I'm managing quite well. Day is going as it should. Then..... puppy duty time comes and I begin my routine of weighing and cuddling. I go in and the pups are nursing and I see that Sage's tail looks odd - lumpy. I pick him up (much to his chagrin seeing as he was contentedly nursing away) and see that upon exam his tail is lacking hair on the underside and seems to have some type of crusty stuff. I weigh him and he's gained an ounce. Good. I went ahead and finished all the pups and decided to inspect Sage's tail a little more carefully. I got a warm cup of water and a wash cloth to clean his tail. I soaked the tail for 30 seconds or so and started to wipe it. The tail was giving off some blood. I looked closely and it looked as if the tail had been bitten or something. I gave it a squeeze and all this bloody puss oozed out. I got very uptight. Got on the phone and got an appt. with the vet - well a "come in and I will squeeze you in between appointments" appointment. Gotta love good vets! Anyhow between Dottie and the puppy I just lost any sense of positivity I had yesterday. I didn't 'stuff my face' over it, but I did do some self soothe therapy eating. In other words, high calorie, soothing choices, but not a glut of it.

God bless Shel! She came to my rescue last night! The vet wanted me to get "Pink Chlorhexidine" at a 'human' pharmacy to wash the pup's tail before applying antibiotic ointment. Ron obsessed over the pink issue. I bought a Blue bottle and looked at the liquid inside. Saw the bubbles only and they didn't look pink. Shel cleared up the mystery, or rather my lack of thinking it through enough to actually pour the liquid out to see if it was pink!

So along comes today. My day to work with my BFF insulating my grooming room. We are into about 45 minutes and a client I forgot to put on my calendar shows up. Another **** ME moment! They drive over 50 miles through Bay Area traffic to have me trim their dog . How could I NOT trim the dog? So I did. Thank Heaven above my BFF was in a good mood and not suffering from a depressive episode. Still that stress of effing up to that degree takes it toll on me. Have to salute Ron, too, for insisting that it was okay for me to make a mistake. With my boys supporting me, I managed to get the dog trimmed. BFF went window shopping at OSH and my clients went out to lunch with their Doberman in tow to a restaurant I recommended - Lazy Dog. Lazy Dog is a dog friendly restaurant with a dog menu, water bowls at the tables and dog friendly staff. I'm not kidding. Well, the clients thought it was the best thing ever and were actually thrilled when they got back to pick up their freshly trimmed Border Terrier (Tesla's breed). In the end it all worked out, but heck, I was stressed about letting down both my clients and my BFF!

Somehow today did not end up being a horrible eating day.

Emotions have been raw over the past few days. I don't think it is the worry about the dogs, but a compilation of stressors and the nagging feeling I have about my lack of assuming responsibility to instigate change in my health and eating habits. The lack of change is a work avoidance strategy, the purpose of which I simply don't understand. The post the Diane cross posted had the great reminder: WLS surgery doesn't perform surgery on the brain. That's the work we have to do on our own. As a reasonably clever and fairly logical person, I understand that on an intellectual level. Why is it then, that I can't seem to own it and actuate the change?

To add to it, I am avoiding talking to Tank's breeder about sending him back. I love the little guy, but since he will not be able to be a show dog, which was the reason she wanted me to have him to begin with, he would probably be better off in a home that would devote more time to him as an individual rather than as a member of a pack.

So, perhaps I have more going on than I really realize. Not sure. At least I have a "make up session" with the shrink tomorrow. Maybe a light will shine through.

Devon, your post repeatedly pegged my emotional meters ! You have a ton going on, challenging even the best prioritizers ! Thank God Ron and BFF were having decent days and we're able to support you. My stomach knotted thinking about the alternative ! The Tank decision has to be so heavy on your heart too ! Positive thoughts !