Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Funny, Justice had the zoomies last night too. He started with a tail chase and progressed to running around like a crazy man around all the downstairs rooms and over the back of the couch with some friendly mouthing of my hand thrown in. It looked/felt like joy to me. Afterwards he usually sleeps really deeply.

Sheesh! If it ain't one thing, it's another!

Some of you saw my facebook post regarding Dottie swallowing a large stone. Surgery went well. Once she eats something they will let me take her home. Being an Airedale, I don't think they understand she can go for days without eating, if the mood strikes her. I'm sure she will come home this afternoon.

Needless to say, I did not go the shrink yesterday. I rescheduled for Thursday.

I used the surgery as an excuse to eat slidery baked goods. I was totally aware of latching on to the excuse and going with it, too. I did not need soothing. I was not stressed out. I was bummed about the cost, but other than that I was fine. I didn't worry about the surgery. She was in very good hands. I simply gave myself permission to eat crap food and be indulgent. I am disappointed with myself.

My tapes are on auto play this morning. My mind just wandered off on a tangent. I projected your reactions and judgement of my eating behavior. As I started to feel the feel of yesterday's eating, I dismissed the sharing of it as a broken record, getting angry with myself for being stuck in a loop, being stupid for not changing and building new habits... I'm not stepping back to see all this, I'm in the midst of it, which is not easy either.

Fuck is a really good word. It can be used in so many ways. It can express anger, joy, sarcasm, cathartic release, exasperation, excitement, amazement, annoyance, etc... So with sarcastic exasperation the theme of my day is FUCK.

If I fall into a more positive mindset, my theme will change to this: Today is an opportunity to build a new habit.

I would never judge you. I share the same impulses and fight the same fight.

I think it is a common theme for many of us, using a situation as an excuse to eat. I think I do it less often now, but I am definitely not immune.

FUCK is actually my favorite word! Really. I know I may seem like one of those "nice girls." But seriously -- in the real world I'm famous for carpet-bombing the neighborhood with F-bombs.

And as you said, it's so versatile!

:)

Is it okay that I am not one bit surprised by that admission? It endears you to me even more. Nothing more powerful, and frankly sexy, than a good looking woman wielding the F bomb with aplomb!

No better word for a nasty toe stub, dropping a glass on a hard floor, or hacing to sit through a third light cycle at a red light.

Your projection of our reactions is so off point! There is no judgement here. Only empathy.

For myself, if I react at all, it is only "Thank God I'm not the only one!"

Moving on to another topic, I'm glad Dottie is aok!

I have no doubt that my projection is off point. It is the way my brain works. It is part of my disfunction.

Thanks again for the personal help today on the chlorhexidine! Should have just poured some out and made sure it was pink - it was! LOL! The bubbles looked blue.... oh, well..... XOXO!

This was on the general discussion but its great:

AnneGG
on 7/15/18 6:44 am, edited 7/16/18 4:59 am RNY on 07/15/10

Height 5'3"
High weight: 230 lbs, BMI: 41
RNY 7/15/10
Weight for past 6½ years: 116-120 lbs, BMI: 20

What has been working for me with maintaining my weight loss, just me because everyone is different and needs to find their own path:

I took "surgery does not operate on the mind" deeply to heart. I made a commitment to learning how to manage my mind rather than it managing me.

I looked for and have an excellent therapist who is kind, validating, insightful, skilled, and firm- he doesn't let me weasel.

I had accountability buddies for the first two years. They didn't let me weasel either.

I have sought out and seek whatever other support I could and can find and put it to use.

What I'm practicing and will have to work on forever:

Embracing the challenge as an opportunity.

The work begins with me and is solely up to me, my responsibility, my choice.

Motivation doesn't happen waiting for it.

Commitment, determination, consistency, perseverance over time.

Mindfulness, one day, sometimes one minute, sometimes one second at a time.

Staying focused on goals and concrete results even when I forget what they are and have to operate on blind faith stumbling forward.

Keeping my feet moving literally and figuratively no matter what, no excuses, no vacations, no matter what I feel like or am thinking or how much my head is having a temper tantrum or what my life cir****tances are.

Forgiving myself lots (did I say lots?) for being human.

Keep on keeping on doing what works.

My journey:

Has it been the hardest work I?ve ever done? Oh, my good lord, yes. Has it been the most worthwhile? Yes, beyond yes, way way way beyond yes.

Have I been perfect? Far from. It's been a process of learning and practicing and keeping in front of my nose that it takes only one more time to get up than I fall down.

I have been an addict since childhood with seeking short term destructive self comforting. My family and my childhood were deeply painful. Thank heavens I never got hooked on drugs. I smoked as a teenager until 1990. I?ve flirted with alcoholism a couple of times. I struggle with impulsive spending. I have struggled with depression and anxiety and destructive negative thinking. Eating is my true addiction. My partner says cookbooks are my porn.

My recovery is my highest priority and has been for many years including way before surgery. Working it has gotten easier over time because working with myself constructively is now mostly what I just do. I know I can fall off the wagon in a nanosecond. I practice not beating myself up if I make a mistake. The trick has been catching myself as soon as possible if I do slip.

Very important: I need to emphasize that the following has been only since getting to goal weight and that I developed my maintenance program very gradually, experimenting with where I could be flexible yet not tip myself over into self sabotage. Before I got to goal weight I followed the rules absolutely.

What I have done and do since beginning maintenance (the hitting me in the face cold reality of maintenance scared the bejesus out of me):

I weigh myself daily since getting to goal weight and keep myself within a 4 pound margin. I hate hate hate doing the work of losing lots of weight.

I exercise exercise exercise. Exercise is the cornerstone of my program and I build my day around it. I speed walk at least 2½ miles daily (I figure I?ve crossed the country coast to coast at least three times since I started walking six months before surgery) plus hike and bike and work at having working out being more than good intention. Before surgery I hated to exercise. Starting six months before surgery I consistently dragged my screaming head out the door, now it?s habit and I just do it. I like how I feel when I?m done plus it makes managing my eating a lot easier because my headset is clearer.

I eat healthy most of the time and pretty much what I want, avoiding sugar and processed food for the most part. I eat on a mostly regular schedule. I've learned what works for me regarding how much and what to eat when. I have pretty much learned when I can?t eat a bite more or there?s hell to pay thanks to the blessing of my small tummy.

I get regular medical follow up and and since maintenance use my blood results to determine the vitamins I take beyond my daily multivitamin and calcium and iron. For years I haven?t needed to take vitamins beyond my daily multivitamin and calcium and iron plus potassium and magnesium for leg cramps.

I keep myself very active and occupied out in the world.

What I don't and won't do:

Log my intake, count calories, measure portions, drink protein shakes or not drink during meals. I would much rather, as in totally rather, exercise and eat right than do those things,

Results:

My health including mental was the reason I had RNY and improving it has been my main driving force. I want to stay on the right side of the grass. My size is a much appreciated secondary benefit.

I'm now in excellent health with all of my co-morbid conditions (breast cancer, severe GERD, huge hiatal hernia corrected during my bypass surgery, Barrett's esophagus, cholecystectomy for gallstones, high cholesterol, stress incontinence) handled. My chronic conditions have not worsened (osteopenia) and one incurable condition is cured (Barrett's).

I have self esteem and self confidence. My attention is now outside myself rather than inside me curled up in a fetal position with self consciousness.

My relationships beginning with me with me are better and more rewarding and a lot more fun. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man.

I like being called small.

I like living in my baggy skin.

If I could say anything to you, it would be just do the work, just do it like your life depends on it because it does. Simple but not easy, but OMG the payoff.

My deepest gratitude goes to the people in my life who have had my back and have been cheering me on, including here on OH. I couldn't have done or be doing this alone no way no how.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls the butterfly." Richard Bach

"Support fosters your growth. If you are getting enough of the right support, you will experience a major transformation in yourself. You will discover a sense of empowerment and peace you have never before experienced. You will come to believe you can overcome your challenges and find some joy in this world." Katie Jay

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