Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Happy Birthday, David!

Happy Birthday to David!

Happy Birthday, David!

Up early before DH for some quiet time and coffee- have developed a taste for a bit of straight up cocoa with a touch of stevia in the bottom of the mug- combined with a generous splash of milk, the cocoa flavors the coffee darkly, then settles down to the bottom waiting for a refill and a stir- repeat. There is always most of the cocoa to be rinsed away in the bottom of the cup...waste, waste..but yum.

Ann, I hope we get some of the rain you are hoping for before it gets to you. I believe I am in the same path you are in- just 5 hours west. Promise not to hog it all.

153.8 Peps, I play around with this supposed relationship with the entity that inhabits my scale as though it is some self determining, sentient being capable of either being generous or grudging or punishing or worse in regards to recording my weight. It is my attempt, I think, to disempower the emotional connection between the number I may see and how I may (or not) then see myself that day because of it. I'm trying to keep it light (pun intended), but this tactic can backfire on me, and does sometimes- then I get pissed at the scale and behave in a reactionary fashion. Your dispassionate- observing and noting - takes the emotional success, failure, judgement aspect out of the equation. Just thinking.

Well, here goes - (in as small a footprint as I can possibly make it)

1. Fat all my life long for all the reasons that may be common to what makes and keeps people fat: childhood messages ( I remember my father telling me when I was 15 that I couldn't take drivers ed until I lost weight. The connection between who I was, my worth, everything that made me-me was tied determined by my fatness, and I was powerless- I was nothing because I was fat. In fact, for years and years I felt genderless- a nonsexual being because, in my fathers opinion, fat and --oh, crap, --yada-blaa-blaa--yada-- cut to the chase--

2. Years later- wonderful husband, lovely children, long and enjoyable career, financially secure, a good bit of therapy re. child of dysfunction turned dysfunctional --and, (despite loosing and gaining tons of weight) still fat, I realized that I truly was killing myself - you know, kind of a respectable, acceptable suicide.

3. Enter WLS: Very successful, no complications, steady Eddie and reached goal. Really got into the thrill of it all- the success and accomplishment, the clothes, the look, the attention, the approval--dare I say the (outside) affirmation of my worth as a person-woman-. All the accomplishments, talents, gifts, personality that I had-was- meant something- I finally deserved them because I was slim. The golden ticket to happiness, right?

4. Wrong, because, (having thought that outside validation was what I was missing and what I needed to have to be happy)- How do I maintain that high in maintenance? I was now just a normal human being doing normal things- no big highs or lows- The feeling of Special Snowflake Status was just not there anymore.

5. Enter the dreaded- Transfer addiction. I had, in the short time (14-15 months in maintenance) discovered the happyproducingjuice-aka-alcohol. I do not mean wine- I mean alcohol- It allowed me to have those feelings I experienced during weight loss, and wanted to keep feeling. I drank to thrilling intoxication regularly, and for a while it did not affect my weight- therefore, no problem. I would come home from work, go upstairs into my "she"-room, put on the music, get out the bottle hidden there, put on the music, get out the clothes--have a gay old time--and FEEL HAPPY. I could do this because the kids were grown and out of the house and, as far as I was aware, Kurt was clueless (I am a very functional drunk).

6. The great enabler- Retirement. ( Diane S.- you may recall that some few months after announcing my retirement, I dropped off the face of the forum) Whoopee- now I had all freaking day to get and stay blissfully happy- and I did. Only, now, the alcohol was interfering with my weight- I mean, how many calories is there in a quart of vodka?- not to mention how alcohol interferes with the normal calorie burning process AND my appetite.

7. Appetite for what, then? Happiness, of course--that is to say---having pleasant FEELINGS. Food used to give me that, and I returned to it. Slider foods are just that--easy to eat and in large quantities, small sleeve be damned. And I did---all day, eat, eat, eat, drink, drink, drink....and into the night....and get up at night and, rinse, and repeat. For a huge while I am sure I was drunk 24/7.

8. The law of diminishing returns is real. More and more gave less and less until the food and alcohol produced for me just the opposite of what I intended it for, and I turned into an Unfeeling (drunk and fat) Zombie. I wasn't a Special Snowflake anymore--just a very shabby and melted into nothing one.

9. I continued this pattern for approximately 2 1/2 years. Yep, back where I started from - daily not feeling anything--no purpose--no reason to look forward or expect anything the next day and the following forever the same. This is the stuff despair is made of, and recognizing that feeling, I realized there was no purpose in living further days of the same. Ya, I was depressed and knew I was once again, participating in the ( now,not so slow) dance of a dispassionate suicide.

10. What woke me up? Grace? God? A return to common sense? I don't know, but I moved from, well, I moved- action.

11. The first thing I did was own up to someone. I made an appointment with the doctor and spilled all. Took care of the physical first--tests, examinations, find out what the damage was. Followed up with everything that was asked of me re. above. Further appts. with dentist, eye dr., etc. Addressed the depression. And stopped drinking. Just that- stopped. (lesson learned from my father who, after 40 years an alcoholic, did the same). Just a side note, here- I understand that cold turkey stopping when a person, like me who was mass consuming alcohol-approximately 4-5 liters a week over an extended period of time, is life threateningly dangerous- so, not really recommending it be done that way.

12. The re-loss: You have asked how, but I do not need to tell you what we already know and have done when we lost the weight the First time- hydration, logging food, protein forward, move, be thoughtful, etc., and take care of business. The #1 behavior that has taken me to (almost goal--153 from 275) was and is this--Perseverance and Consistency---every day--over an extended--as long as it takes--time. I've said this a lot--but believe it to my heart--PRIDE=progress realized through DAILY effort. That goes for the food- that goes for the booze- daily in and daily out I am (for now, and please, God, help me, tomorrow) choosing to do the right thing- actively participate in my own health and the hope of finding my way and working out my own salvation in this area of my life.

That's it. Pretty much the whole shaboolie. I glanced back over this, and my "small" footprint has turned into a rather large boot. There is more. I think of what has been brought up here==body image, nurture-nature-genetics, maintenance, feelings, thinkings that impact and create those feelings, behaviors that are generated Because of those feelings-----------And I thank you all, friends, for the thoughts and caring and investment found on this board.

Let us, indeed, today, be here now. bonnie

Thank you so much for sharing. What a story. It could have been a tragedy, but you miraculously turned it around. I am so glad you are here.

Oh, my gosh, Bonnie!!! I'm sitting in the parking lot, late to jump in the pool. But could not stop reading this. What a ride you've been on. Gotta go splash now ... but such respect for you for coming back from all that. More later.

Wow! So much to digest, think about and decipher. So much realization that this is me/could be me. Thank you so much for sharing so honestly and with such well-written candor.

"PRIDE=progress realized through DAILY effort" (just one nugget I am going to save). In fact I think I will save a link to this as I think I will need it over the years.

If you ever feel comfortable sharing this with a wider audience I know many will derive huge value.

I have more thoughts but can't express them all...

Thank you from the depths of my soul for sharing your story today. You are a comrade, a sister, on this journey.

Re childhood messages....

The damage done by even a loving parent who thinks they are motivating you to lose weight can stay with you forever. My dad told me in high school (when I wasn't really that overweight - 20 or 30 lbs on a 6 ft frame?) that I needed to lose weight or no one would ever marry me or want to have children with me. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't know if I would have ever had relationships or children if he had never said that, but my whole life I internalized it so much I never made eye contact with or really talked to men. It felt like if I did, I was humiliating myself by even thinking I deserved their attention. Even now, I know rationally what he said was untrue, but in those deep recesses of your heart where reason doesn't live, part of me still believes it. Amazing how a sentence spoken 30 years ago by someone you trust can shape your life.

Bonnie, I'm back to say all I can think of to add is that I am still just gobsmacked by your powerful story! I'll be thinking of this for days, coming back to it, re-reading it, thinking about what you were going through for those two and a half years, how you managed to take yourself in hand (however that happened) and turn back into the light.

Yes. Let us, indeed, today, be here now.

P.S. Boy oh boy, this trip ain't over by a long shot!