Tuesday June 19

Stupid is as Stupid does! I have to get in on the stupid conversation!

First, I must begin my saying that when one surrounds oneself with stupid people one can feel quite superior. Though by doing so, other people of intelligence will label one as stupid, because we are the company we keep!

In all seriousness, I think that Ann, Bonnie, pretty much all of us here, understand that weight is a life long issue in some way or another. How we chose to approach the issue is completely different from the issue itself.

My father has never, ever been "fat". He once was about 30 pounds more during his early years of retirement than he was during his working years. Most of his adult life my dad weighed in the mid 150s. A few years into retirement and when my mom was dying he got up to about 180 or 185 (tops). My dad simply adjusted his eating to reduce. He didn't "go on a diet", but instead was careful to watch what he ate and ate less. He now fluctuates 5 pounds north and south of 170, perfectly fine for an 89 year old man. I like him having a few extra pounds on his body because he loses his appetite so quickly when he gets even a mild cold. He needs a little cushion.

Me, I do not approach extra weight that way. NO! Extra weight is a reflection of my personal failing. Everyone can look at my extra padding and know that I am BAD. I am slothful, I eat poorly, I make bad choices, I am weak and lack conviction and pride in my appearance and do not treat my body as a temple. For Heaven's sake, I once had a nurse practitioner tell me point blank it was obvious by looking at me that I ate "like crap". (yes, she said crap!) Because of her preconceived ideas of the obese she dismissed my gallbladder disease as acute gastritis and I lived the next decade thinking that every time I had a gallbladder issue it was my poor eating choices. Pair experiences like that with the negative messages I got as a kiddo about being fat and listening to my parents disparage the overweight and obese, having food restricted at times and intake always judged, it is not a stretch to figure out why my issues with weight will be life long.

Weight gain post WLS became paralyzing and crippling. Because I believed at my core I had failed WLS because I was slothful and weak. I lacked self control, will power, stamina, and the emotional intelligence to stop the weight gain. It has taken several years of therapy and monumental, astronomical, and biographical levels of regain to help me just begin to understand the underpinnings of emotion that support my obesity.

Food has been a loving partner for as long as I can remember. My mama taught me that food is love. So did my Granny. Even my dad, for all his dislike of my weight, showed me love with food - home made cookies, my own homemade all meat pizzas when the family was eating combos with bell peppers and mushrooms (blech). Dates are usually about eating and getting to know one another. Food is so important cultures revolve around it. But for those of us who find the love they are missing in their lives in the food they eat - beware. It is difficult to give up that love for too long. Whatever the food is that symbolizes your needs best, it is impossible to let it go without understanding why it must be let go.

My self worth has become wrapped up in my weight.

I'm just at the point where I understand why some of my foods need to go. It is sad. Letting go of the foods that bring to me a surrogate form of love is painful. It is the foreboding of mourning and grieving that frightens me. It's not the "addict" in me fearing the loss of a fix, but rather the unloved, fearful, insecure boy, teen, young adult and even adult unsure of how to cope in the world without the security of finding love through food.

My dad doesn't have a close relationship with food the way I do. Eating is a thing you do to survive. Sometimes the food is better than others. A disappointing meal is nothing to whine or cry over. You ate. Another meal will follow soon enough. My dad will never know or understand how a huge spoonful of ice cream after an unpleasant exchange with Ron can soothe and quite the rage that roiled inside. He does not know the momentary peace a gently soft, rich, and slightly gooey chocolate chip cookie brings to the stress of the day. They soothe. They caress. They bring you love that no one else seems to be willing to bring to you.

While there is the physical aspect of being overweight, if you are like me, the emotional aspect of being over weight is far more important. I get the how and the what to do. It's my emotional life with food that is key to living a balanced life with my weight.

Unlike Ann's friend, I plan to be dealing with this until the day I die. I hope I will be dealing with this differently than I am today on this day next year. But I can not see a point in my life when my weight will not be an "issue".

Thanks for stirring the pot today! I needed some reflective time.