Tuesday June 19

Try not to be stupid or have stupid friends.

None of us are ever stupid. We put forth and test theories. We push the boundaries of our thinking and comfort zones. We marvel at what our bodies can now do and set new goals. We cheerlead one another and activate some damn creative and productive thinking. I can only think of one thing which would earn a "stupid" classification IMHO:

1. Thinking "we're there" / "we're done"

I don't see ANY of us ever doing that. As our bodies change ( older, stronger, more flexible, injuries, lighter, heavier, firmer, looser) we re-evaluate and tweak. It is okay to adjust our goal range to accommodate a stronger body. The continuum of objectivity does get muddy. The progression from "What do you want your body to do ?" to "What do you want to see in the mirror and what does that weigh?" is a huge shift in values and priorities... and we may want/need different things at different times. So interwoven and full of opportunities to learn more about ourselves as we attempt to puzzle it out... thankfully together !

Haha! I qualified as "stupid"! I was talking with my therapist just yesterday about my "magical thinking" once I reached goal after WLS. My thinking was not exactly "I'm done", but rather more along the lines of "I'm fixed".

Diane S.-I'm trying to join you in the getting back to the straight and narrow. If you're like me, you're close enough to where you want to be that you can get casual and lax about things because you're not seeing/feeling all the effects yet. But I also know I want to reign this in before it gets the better of me!

Carbon-not getting enough sleep is definitely draining. Heck, my baby is pretty much sleeping through the night and if she even fusses for a few minutes I feel like my sleep has been disturbed! Hoping you find something. I can't remember if it was here or elsewhere I saw discussions about melatonin or even essential oils. Just terrible about the murder. I just found out a girl I went to law school with, well her grandfather was the murder victim in a burglary recently. We aren't in a small town, but always unnerving when it's someone you know.

Cecily-I am so so sorry about your PS experience. It's encouraging that your Dr. says your healing this time is not a sign of things to come. If it were me, though, I'd still get a second opinion. I had a little bit of my own battle with PS. After my augmentation I had an infection (undetected at first) and it hurt to move my arms at all! I couldn't drive like 3 weeks later! And even breathing hurt. I asked for another prescription for pain medicine and my PS made it sound like I was an addict. I know they have to worry about that, but it was so condescending and humiliating and I needed relief!!! Well a week later my incision bust open and pus oozed out. I guess that's kind of what you've been dealing with? Open incisions? I also think they'll tell you that anytime you have anesthesia you can become depressed. And not being able to go about your normal routine is very frustrating to say the least. Unfortunately an infection in the augmentation means they have to come out. And then I was very shortsighted in putting them back in. I plan on having exactly one more plastic surgery: explant!!

I'm not against PS by any means. But It's taken me several years to be happy with my TT. But it is a lot of expense and recovery and to some extent I have to accept that I'll never reach the expectation I have for my body. But that all goes back into my theme of finding happiness and acceptance in your body. Some people think that means don't ever get PS or WLS. I 100% am glad I had WLS, and yes, it did aide me in body acceptance. I'm also glad I don't have excess stomach skin. What I was not prepared for was that PS doesn't fix everything. It fixes the skin (to a large degree) but does not automatically correct years of negative self-talk. Woo, I digress.

Liz-my going-to-bed thought was how wonderful you make retirement look!! (okay, looks pretty good anyway even though I'm far far FAR from it!!) I love that you're getting in so much travel! Carpe diem!

Ann-that was me a year ago. I finally started exercising like I'd said I would after WLS. I'm a big fan of weightlifting. I prefer hypertrophy training and doing middle-heavy weights about 3 sets of 8-12 reps. Whatever weight you can finish that to failure. (unfortunatley for me, that's still a pretty light weight, lol!) But I do believe all exercise is good exercise. Especially if you enjoy it. I noticed that I didn't put back on the weight as quickly after weightlifting as I did with other calorie-diets. Granted, I was pregnant so it's a bit of a different deal. I feel like weightlifting is an investment, rather than a one-off. Cardio is good for many reasons. I feel like it's less intimidating, everyone can do it, it burns the calories, good for heart health, etc. But changing your muscle composition can really really do a lot!! I only got down to like 154, and yet I think I looked as slender as I did at 150! That may not sound like a huge difference in weight, but those 4lbs. make a big difference when I get closer to goal. Try to focus on how you feel and how your clothes feel. I felt strong and taller and thinner.

Your experience sounds very similar, except for the infection. But open incisions are open incisions and take such a long time to heal! Altogether it was 8 areas that opened on me varying from just under an inch to 5 inches. All are healing now and nothing new is opening. He said he thinks wls patients (even lap banders) have some malabsorption of micronutrients that inhibit healing, plus the areas where redundant skin is being removed are notoriously lacking in blood supply. So the combo can mean dehiscence. It doesn't answer the "why me and not everyone else" question, but I'm not sure I'll ever have an answer to that.

I haven't reached a point where I've been able to say I'm happy I did it. Maybe when I don't have to do wound care twice a day, have none of my insides open to the outside, don need to wear 6 poise pads held together with painters tape, can wear underwear, don't have to wear full length garments under pants so I'm roasting, can shower, and can pick up things off the floor I'll be glad I did it. Right now it's been 42 days of ugh.

It does change how in hindsight I view my extra skin. My belly was a mess, but I was the only one who saw it. I really don't like my arms and haven't worn short sleeves in over 25 years, but do I not like them enough to go through this a second time? I'm not sure at this point. Maybe it's like childbirth and one day you forget the awful enough to think a second go is a good idea.

I think it's important hear the stories like yours and mine when deciding. If all you hear are the happy, no complications healer's stories and the rosy view of the plastic surgeons you're not hearing all the possible outcomes...

Oh goodness! Springing multiple leaks sounds very frustrating.

I try to be honest not to be a Debbie Downer, but just because I think realistic expectations really really help when going through this.

You're wearing underwear!! I didn't even bother when I was healing from TT. TMI? Nah!

Nope. No underwear yet! Full commando. My groin wounds need to fully heal first before I can do elastic!

Weight: 165.2 Woohoo

Although I fully expect it to go back up since I worked out yesterday and muscles tend to hold on to water at first.

I did stick with my meal plan yesterday! I really like having a meal plan because I can be very precise and not overeat. On the other hand I hate it because it doesn't allow for "I'm not hungry now" or "I'm really hungry now" or suddenly wanting a certain food. That's some of the joy of eating and something I'd really like to be able to do intuitively. Maybe I'll be able to live that way someday. But for now, I need to lose weight and I know for certain I cannot trust intuitive eating to keep me in a deficit.

B: crack an egg denver scramble, coffee w/ ff half and half

S: peach

L: cracked pepper turkey breast on honey wheat sandwich thin, celery and carrot sticks w/ ff ranch, 17 quaker popped chips

S: greek light n' fit yogurt protein smoothie

E: 30 minutes body pump and 15 minutes walking

D: 4 oz. (minus a couple bites for dogs) leftover NY strip steak, salad w/ grape tomatoes and light balsamic dressing, 4 oz. baked sweet potato w/ s&P

S: 1/2 c. halo top ice cream

1291 calories, 76g. protein, 23% protein, 48% carbs, 29% fat. Burned about 300 calories exercising.

It was a lot, though. This is DH's work out of town week. That means it's all on me. The positive slant on that is it's very confidence-building to know I can do it all. And sometimes we must. But it's also really really nice to have his help. My little yorkie still pees inside. The difference is now I see it. Often she does it in the back hall right beside the doggie door!!! I finally gave in and decided to do puppy pads. I soaked up some urine on it and put poop (oh yeah, she also occasionally poops indoors) on it to give her the idea. And she peed right next to it. To make matters worse, my lab is regressing like a potty trained toddler. She's begun to poop on the cement outside. I need to look into how to change their behavior (well the yorkie is probably a lost cause) but for now I have all I can say grace over. I just have to laugh at how much pee and poop I attend to before I even start my work day!

I'm also feeling a little ?jealous? of my babysitter. Becca is so sweet in the mornings...when I take her and drop her. The sitter has taken her to a garden festival and today they are going blackberry picking. Obviously Becca cannot fully appreciate these outings yet, but it's a little glimpse into the things I'll miss later. But I know staying home wouldn't be all great, either. I really do think I'd like the slower pace right now, though. When I picked her up yesterday we almost immediately went to the gym where I, yet again, left her to be watched. By the time we finally got one-on-one she's starting to get tired and grumpy :( I may have to change my exercise goals.

I've been there with the puppy pads and the babysitter jealousy! On the latter I remember being jealous when I smelled the babysitters scent (soap or moisturizer) on my baby. Which though I realized was good (she was holding my daughter), still gave me jealousy pangs. On the former, we have to have pads for the nearly 17 year old chihuahua, but Justice used them for a bit when we arrived in Massachusetts from Florida. He had stopped using them, but apparently he has been messing in his crate while we are on vacation (he has been in there a lot longer than when we were home), so I'm a little worried.

Carbon, how gruesome! I take it the man's wife is the murderer. Or perhaps the grandmother is the one who was murdered. Very sad!

Well, I did it, so I'm going to report:

Weight: 254.8
Macros: Cals - 1,636; Carbs - 151; Fats - 82; Protein - 87

What did I learn from this activity? Hmmm... I didn't die, I would like to eat more protein and fewer carbs, though I was still way under what My Fitness Pal would recommend, and I need to cut way down on fats. Hey, I did drop 1.2, so how can I be anything but okay with that?!

I also feel good about owning my "NUMBER" on the scale. It is information, not judgement. That's one of the reasons I put it out there yesterday. Now, I know my father would judge hearing that number and others might, too, but I am not judging. I am instead becoming friends with the scale and the information it delivers.

My Fitness Pal must have changed and updated since the last time I tried to use it. I liked it very much yesterday. I haven't liked it at all before, but yesterday it was much faster than I remember and as user friendly as the old Live Strong site. (I don't like the new weight tracking tool LS has now.)

I have lots to mull over from therapy yesterday. Lots and lots and lots. While I need to really think through some things main foci right now are two: #1 - Dealing with the emotions (fear, trepidation, panic) that come with dietary changes/restrictions and #2 - Accepting my physical self for what it is. Both of these will be hard on a deep level.

More than anything today I am feeling pretty darn grateful for the resilience, intelligence, and fortitude I have been blessed with that is getting me through this journey. My struggle with regain has been going on for over 5 years. Yes, I have watched the scale climb steadily back up to 250+, but I have to pat myself on the back for continuing to fight the fight and never fully give up my quest. Sure, I've taken a few breaks (LOL!), but I have never fully surrendered!

Plastics - Having my eyes done was the best 50th birthday gift I could have given myself. No regrets whatsoever. No one knows I had it done unless I tell them. I can see a mini face lift in my future. I have no qualms about stuff like that. And even with what Cecily has gone through, if I get back to the size I would like to be, I might very well get myself an LBL, too. I wanted one before, but had no money. I could manage it now. So, Ann, get some consultations! If a doc tells you he/she can make you look younger, run away as fast as you can. If the doc tells you he/she can freshen your look, make you look well rested, and keep you looking natural and not pulled, listen to that one! JMO....

Devon, that's great advice re plastics consultations. I will do exactly as you suggest. :)

I also really like your statement that weighing and recording our weight "is information, not judgment." That's an important and empowering distinction.

And BTW, Bonnie 150 -- I'm still wanting very much to hear YOUR story about regain and reloss. I don't care if you ever publi**** on OH -- but I'd just like to hear how you navigated that extraordinary WLS achievement!

P.S. Regarding the uptick in the number of my recent posts, my dearly departed mother, were she reading all this, would likely say, "You're on a bit of a jag lately, aren't you, honey?"