Tuesday June 19

good morning everyone.

very very weary and have slept from 10 though to now at 3 am so guess this is as good as it is going to get.

in our very very small town we have had a murder which has stood the population on its ear. We know the deceased and the person who killed. Tragic all round. But seemingly worse is the fact that the granddaughter of the deceased is having a first baby and grandmother was to be her birth coach and granddaughter is in labour as we speak.

In anycase hopefully your Tuesday will be one of peace, grace and happiness.

Weight: 134.4
Macros: Cals 1,542, Carbs 152, Fats 57, Protein 99, Fiber 30
Sleep hours: 7.5 hours
Vegetable/Fruit Servings: 6
Exercise: Deck yoga

Carbon -- what a horrific event! So many people will be affected by this forever.

And in lesser news, my weight is up again. It seems to go up and down lately and doesn't stay down, even though I'm now eating a couple of hundred calories less than I was before my husband died.

Yesterday at physical therapy, I asked my diagnostician/therapist if I could be gaining weight after 3+ months of lifting weights at PT. I told her I'm up a couple of pounds from what I weighed while eating the same amounts and types of foods I generally eat (ignoring the five pounds I lost after my husband died when I wasn't eating much and was vibrating like a tuning fork). She said yes, that it's normal to gain some muscle from the kinds of exercises I'm doing.

FYI, I'm doing 10-30 minutes/day of body resistance and weight exercises (at the PT gym and at home) to strengthen my shoulders, chest, and back -- pulls, presses, flies, lifting and carrying weights, etc. I'm not using heavy weights, but research shows that doing weight resistance exercises to exhaustion (I do three sets of everything) can add as much muscle as low reps of high weight exercises will add.

I've also poked around online and read that women who haven't weight-trained before (and given how long I'd NOT lifted weights before this, I certainly qualify for that group) can gain up to two pounds a month from weight resistance exercise. Gulp.

I took my bust/waist/hips measurements this morning -- hips and waist are the same, but my bust is up an inch. My pants fit the same as ever, but my jackets are tighter in the shoulders and under the arms.

I do know this sounds like Captain Obvious has just had a huge epiphany. And it's obvious I'm FINALLY doing the weight resistance exercise I postponed getting into after WLS.

It's stupid, but I'm having a bit of a hard time accepting that it's OK to be up a few pounds up on the scales even though it (probably?) is muscle weight. After all, we all know muscle weight is supposed to be good for you, right?

Anyway, this is silly for me to be having this reaction. But that's what we do here sometimes -- talk things out, even silly stuff. ;)

Today's theme: Try not to be stupid.

Try not to be stupid. Or, at least have stupid friends. :)

I have been actively trying to increase strength for some time and was told that would never happen at my lowest weight....just not enough reserve.

I'm not trying to be buff, rather preparing for my 60's, 70's and beyond. And hiking. I marvel at how much easier I move up steep hikes. (Still slow.)

Good for you for adding muscle! More mowing power! (Yes, yes, I know you have big-azz equipment for that but I'm sure muscles play a part, too)

And a big amen from me on "try not to have stupid friends." Yeah. Not fun. At all.

Am going to try to upload a photo here--I think you may be able to see the link to the post. Interesting. Evidently some pounds are damn good looking pounds!

Oh Carbon, what a terrible thing. That would be enough to give anyone insomnia.

I envy your dedication Ann. I always think about doing weights but never do... Also, on the face PS. I really felt that it was worth the cost. I probably reversed by about 10 years. I will continue to age but from that point, not the already jowly, saggy neck, hooded eye point I was at. And strangely, people just think that I am more rested (or whatever). I've had people eye me as if they know but then they can't figure it out. I haven't had anybody guess that I did it.

Weight 118.4, calories 1955. Gulp... That should be the last super high night - we went to our favorite restaurant last night (Madame Janettes) with friends and just had a wonderful time. Today we are going on a boat cruise whi*****ludes lunch. No idea what it will be, but I'm sure I can find something...

Have a non-stupid tubular Tuesday.

Thanks for the "face work" encouragement, Liz. I also think you look great!

And re weight resistance exercises, I'm not sure how many kudos for this I actually deserve. I wouldn't have finally gotten into this , were it not for the fact that I now go to two physical therapy appointments weekly, and the rest of the week I can feel my therapist's eyes on me at those times when I'm supposed to be doing my daily exercises. I'm still gunning for As. ;)

So much to ponder!

I used to think that body acceptance follows with low weight. What if the reverse were true?! I'm really trying to look at reducing calories and exercising as self-love. Last year was the first time I exercised and didn't hate it. In fact, it made me feel very strong and proud of my body and in so many more dimensions than just a weight on a scale or appearance in the mirror. I truly appreciated my body. It's been through *a lot*. And, alas, it's the only one I have. I hear themes of this through all of your posts.

MissBonnie-I forget, how long have you been at maintenance? My dysmorphia has improved as time has passed (I used to reach for large or extra large everything) but I don't think I'll ever be fully accepting of my body in a bikini, let's say!! There's a part of me that's excited about dieting down again. That's math, that's a game. (unfortunately a game I usually lost in the past) It had a starting point and a defined ending point. Maintenance, now that's the tough stuff. Where is it? How long does it last? My sister (who had wls the same day as I did) think maintenance is just a smoother version of dieting and gaining. She thinks that normal "thin" people do diet too, but that we don't realize it as much because they go up on the scale and they cut back for a few days. How tightly do we keep those reins? I think that's pretty personal. I'd prefer not to get more than 10lbs. away from where I typically maintain because otherwise I start to get anxious about the idea of losing it. Is comfort with our bodies/our caloric intake a good thing? I'm inclined to think yes, but I wonder if it will also cause me to grow complacent? Do I get the luxury of being comfortable with weight and food ever?

Diane O. I'm so sorry for poor Atlas!! Hopefully the vets find a solution.

Shel-I was thinking about how different all our lives look now that we can do what we wanted to do. (I'm assuming you weren't able to go on marvelous hikes prior to wls, but maybe I am wrong). To some extent I feel like wls made me feel like a child with a toy! It didn't change me, but it enabled me to be who I wanted to be.

...to be continued

Holding my breath and looking forward to it !!

I maintained at goal (144-151) for only about 16 months before my common sense deserted me, then steadily gained to 275 in the next 2 1/2 years. Last May I began what you call the exciting weight loss math game--so true! It can be a game- you begin, you play, and you win- the end! whoopee! Then what? Again, you are right- the hard stuff- Maintenance. The thrill of playing the game is over and we are expected to do what "normally thin" people do daily without even thinking about it. Not only is this not thrilling- we (or, should I say I) are clueless as to process, or even what that state of being really is.

It's like knowing how to AND speaking a foreign language for the rest of our lives, and never wandering back over to regularly speaking English again. No wonder we are confused!

I think your sister may be onto something in that we need to look to the attitudes and behaviors of "normal thin people"- not begrudgingly or resentfully, but rather grateful to examples and mentors who know the correct language of - food. Choosing role models well--for health and good nutrition.