Friday. June 15

Quick post here from me -- ALSO did not get enough sleep (4 hours -- maybe). After getting 10 hours the night before, which might be related?

And, of course, while I was awake most of the night, night-eating occurred. Rats. I thought I was over that for a while.

What is going on here with all our sleep issues!

Anyway, this morning I slept in a bit and am now running late to my physical therapy appointment.

It'll be a weekend of mowing.

T.G.I.F.

Weight? Drank a bunch of water for my vitamins and coffee before I remembered to weigh so I didn't bother.

I slept well last night (thanks leftover Valium from my surgery!) and actually woke up feeling something I remember as a glint of positivity. No feelings of "$&@!, another day if this." I can't tell you why, but it was a nice start to the day rather than my usual Groundhog Day dread. 38 days since surgery. It's about time!

I'm going to get a pedicure today because I can't bend to reach my feet and any length at all on toenails (mine or other people's) skeeves me out to no end. Then I'm catching a movie with a friend this afternoon. All after I half shower, half sponge bath and slather myself with honey which seems to negate the first two activities. And I need breakfast if my stomach noises have anything to say about it.

Wishing you all a glint or hopefully more of positivity today too!

Greetings Friday Fabulous Fantastic Funsters

All in all we are a fun lot. Except dear Paula is not having fun right now. In our thoughts.

So this is my real post and not a late night one. 149.5 still. It comforts me to not be at 150 but so close it kind of doesn't matter. Still its a sunny day and every reason to be optimistic. Even with the price of groceries being what it is. Healthy food is more expensive. We had bacon and good tomatoes last night. A summer indulgence.

Yesterday was spent mostly driving up and down the freeway running errands - taking stuff from one gallery to the other. But I didn't feel guilty with my electric car. Years ago I made a sculpture of a dinosaur carrying a gas can and talking on a cell phone called "The Fossil Fool".

Dave I sure hope Adalyn's ears clear up. Not fun. Our niece had the tubes when she was little. She is now a successful college student so they do indeed work. Yep, roundup is nasty stuff and its in everything now. And they make GMO soy beans that are round up ready. Why not just not use the roundup and skip the GMO process?

Cecily, glad you are feeling optimistic as well. It may even promote healing. After all, the shower is half full...

Diane O, hope the pups are recovered or close to it. I hear you on the carpet steaming. I would like to totally get rid of carpet.

Liz 8 miles of beach walk is impressive - especially since sand makes every step a little harder. Never thought about groceries being expensive there but it makes sense - like things are expensive in Hawaii.

Well, time to come up with the list of must do, should do, might do and forgettaboutit for the day. Over a cup of coffee of course. Diane S

What is it with the sleep thing here? LOL! I actually didn't have much issue falling asleep, but as always, I had issues staying asleep. However, though I awaken frequently throughout the night, I am usually always able to go back to sleep. I often wake once to several times hourly starting around 3:00 - 3:30. Last night the wake up routine started at 1:30 and continued to the entire night until I got up at 8:15.

Talking with Ron yesterday doing errands the subject of my lack of personal identity came up, in part due to a conversation about weight, exercise, clothing, body, etc... I explained to him as best I could my lack of realistic self expectation and how without a realistic vision of who I am (or could be) I am always disappointed by the person standing in the mirror looking back at me. We talked a little bit about it, but long and short, this made him really sad for me. While I down played the "tragedy of it all", it was nice to know he is beginning to understand on a more real level what I go through. He admitted he never understood why I do some of the things I do, but understands much more. He even said something to the effect of, "That's just an awful way to live. That's got to be really painful." I hadn't thought of it as painful, but I guess in a way it is.

I've got a lot on my mind re: the whole weight thing, but don't know if I have the stuff to get through it.

Hugs to each and every last one of you,. Sorry to not call anyone out by name today...

Off to the gym.

It is sad how you feel about yourself, but having Ron start to understand it is a really good thing. Maybe he can help you to set a realistic self expectation that you feel you can live up to. I think you are an amazing person: Handsome, well-written, enthusiastic, caring, a wonderful teacher, full of empathy, and so much more.

Thanks, Liz. As for sad, I understand how my "truth" could be seen as sad. Honestly, I do not view it as sad at this point. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do feel at times like I'm spinning my wheels getting nowhere. That is frustrating and can be anxiety producing. The anxiety was much heightened while taking Vyvanse. (While I liked many of the effects of Vyvanse, overall, it was not a good long term drug for me.) Now weeks and weeks off of Vyvanse, I am better and more at ease with things.

My perception of what I SHOULD be comes from multiple sources throughout my life: my mom, my dad, my aunt, my brother, my great aunt, friends, social groups, advertisements, TV, movies, gay culture, my own aesthetic values. Being able to verbalize my understanding of how messed up my own ideal of unobtainable perfection is is helping me let go of a lot of my "stuff".

If you follow the link below, you will see a pic of me judging a Cairn Terrier Sweepstakes. My back is to the camera. I don't find this picture gut wrenching - you know when you see a picture of yourself that makes your insides twist... I actually like the shape I see and don't think my legs look too short. So I am working on embracing that version of me. Cain Sweeps Pic

I am going to find a few pics of me that help me see some of the best versions of me. I am going to work on seeing those pictures of me as my ideal me.

Just a thought... You seem to get a clear read of your physical strength, stamina, prowess. How would it work if you could add that dimension to the image/goal/ideal you anchor to?

That is a great pic. I think looking for those images is a great idea.

I meant sad as in it makes Ron and your friends feel sad that you don't always see the true and wonderful you that we see.

Physically I am okay with myself now but I never feel that I measure up to what I should be as a person, especially in a caretaker role. I feel like I am too impatient and should spend more time regretting what DH is losing versus what I am. I feel like I should be a more compassionate person (I can be pretty stoic because that's how I became a survivor of a few tragedies in my life).

The point is, that I doubt anybody feels that they are the person they think they should be?

Just this-