Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Good morning nature lovers, potters, beachcombers, convalescent sweetie-pies, young moms, courageous and enduring comforters, hikers, dog loving teachers, and generally all around good folk.

Windows are open to cool after rain breezes and birds chirping on an early Kansas summer day. DH delighted he does not have to water his now-not-so-parched garden. Snow peas did not last long in the heat.

153.4 this morning. Creeping downward slowly again (fingers crossed and I don't spit into the wind).

Not much cooking today. Am off later to refresh my very awful- hope to be enlightened and improved - crochet skills with the (puts me in awe) Church lady needle wizzes.

No words of wisdom-no profound and earth shattering observations- continue to work out your own salvation with appreciation for the opportunities we've been given by virtue of waking up this morning with the breath and energy to do so.

Smiles and Hugs your way!

Morning! I'm glad you started us off.

Weight 118, calories 1762. Yes, too many calories again, sigh... Tonight we are going to a fancy restaurant owned by the same man who runs the restaurant in our resort (and does a great job). Vacation is not good for calorie counting...

BUT, positive #1: Vacation is good for walking - I had two long walks on the beach yesterday.

Positive #2: DH was better yesterday, especially last night when we ate on our patio and chatted. Then he went to bed early so hopefully he will function well today. I hung out with friends after that until ready to sleep myself.

Positive #3: DD (30 year old), just texted that she was now down about 40 pounds. I think she has another 20-30 to go, but she is doing really well. I sure hope she can change her eating habits and sustain it (as I never could).

No real negatives for me right now (too early?).

Paula, the things you do to care for Ben now mean so much to him and you. When DD was in her last couple of days, I started lying next to her in the bed whenever I could. Peace to both of you and your family.

Too early for more... I'll read later!

Have a thoughtful Tuesday!

Good morning and please may I echo that wonderful first sentence.

i truly hope that this Tuesday is an amazing one for all of us.

Yesterday spent an accumulation of three hours in the garden and it still looks unkempt.

On Sunday am having a

potluck here for approx 20 or more to say farewell to two neighbours who are moving back to the big city. Neither by choice but because of employment. So of course the critical eye is seeing everything.

The house is just awful but the surface can be tiedied ( that looks weird) more or less quickly but the weeds. A flame thrower would be fastest.

Dear Paula. The young people are likely floundering as they have never "done this before" but I do know the hurt. When my Mom died a nephew told me, "whatever". Breathakingly painful. Holding your hand as you walk this path.

Cecily, all I can say is OUCH and share some tears of frustration with you.

What a nice group you all are. Diane thank you for being so constant.

Good morning all! What a lovely greeting from Miss Bonnie today! I believe I am the dog loving teacher, though that description works equally well for Diane O.

I read Paula's Caring Bridge post late last night. I continue to be awed by her ability to focus on the positive aspects of Ben's dying. She is a truly beautiful woman. I'm glad the boys were able to spend quality time with Ben on Sunday. I'm sure they will always be thankful to Paula for orchestrating that time with their dad. I wish Paula continued strength and pray that she continues to be nourished by the love and support of others so she may do the same for her boys and Ben.

Positive #1 - Paula's reminder that there is beauty even in the worst of situations.

Positive #2 - Another night of over 9 hours of sleep (though heavily interrupted).

Positive #3 - Went to Vitality Bowl for the first time for dinner last night before the movie. YUM! Organic, fruit base frozen mush stuff topped with sliced fruit, a little granola and a drizzle of honey. High Carb, sure, but oh so tasty and all natural - no processed sugar anything! Filling, too!

Delta - Weight up 1.4 due to crappy ass eating yesterday. I'm going to blame the several handfuls of Ron's big ole bucket o Movie Popcorn on the weight gain!

Dog to groom this morning. Then off to school to finish closing down the classroom. (First time in 24 years I've had to go back after the last day of school!). Ron is unaware, but the Great Pantry Purge is happening today. Wish me luck. He seems to be ready to do it, so I'm going with my gut and just doing it! I sure hope he doesn't fight me on it.

I had a dream that I was on Aruba. I saw where Liz was staying, but it was not by the beach really. She was staying in a fancy Tree House Hotel. All the rooms were little, gorgeous white cottages nestled in the branches of ginormous Banyan like trees. The trees grew out of lovely green lawns. There was an air field to the right of the grove of trees that housed the hotel rooms. This is where our little private plane landed. I found a scooter and rode that into town. Town was very small and poor. There were street vendors and people sitting on stoops. I felt uncomfortable. But I saw dog beds and knew I had to tell Liz they were of good quality and she should get one for Justice because she had posted she was unsure if the quality of the beds was worth the price. Mind you, never once in this dream did I see a beach or Liz. Go figure.

I had another dream, too. Robin Williams was my friend in the dream. We were walking in the parking lot of the Del Valle Dog Show in Pleasanton. I was talking to him about depression because he could relate.

Maybe this is why I don't like too much sleep! LOL!

Damn, Devon! Seriously, sincerely -- I wish I could do as much emotional work in my dreams as you do in yours. That's really awesome that you can dream like that.

Okay, HELP! What do you see in these dreams as emotional work?

(I actually cut the Robin Williams dream off short, because it became, how shall we say, private? Very strange that,...but at least I sort of get some of that emotional work...)

Devon, what I see in your dreams is what I'm unable to do right now -- dream about situations that could be useful in unraveling the challenges I'm dealing with now.

The fact is, I'm not having dreams of any kind these days. It's like my dream machine is switched off. Or disabled. Or on vacation. I miss them.

Therefore, I project that your dreams are helping you wrestle with issues you care about now like I imagine dreams might help me do so.

Specifically, my current challenges, which I don't describe here in great, gory detail, include my continuing grieving of my husband's death, how my grieving is changing, learning to live without him and to live alone (although related, those two things are not the same), wondering how to best reconstruct my near- and long-term living arrangements through the rest of my 70s (when I hope to be still physically active), my slower 80s, and even my 90s (which I'm planning on because my mother lived until she was 97).

Since I can't predict the exact times at which I'll need to make changes, I'm indulging in a lot of scenario planning. After all, at my age, entire years zoom by at the speed of single seasons, so I have to get my act together.

I have typed all this, knowing that I truly have only limited control over my coming years. But I'm still clutching the keyboard tightly to my psyche.

Back to Dreamland ... not once since my husband died have I dreamed about him. I would love to have him visit me. I'd love to have a conversation with him about anything. I want to be in a place where he is. It doesn't have to be real. A dream with him in it would be such a gift.

I have been taught that we often need to invite people to visit us in our dreams - especially the dead. Sometimes we are not open to visits on a very deep level, so we have to work on allowing the dreams to come. My therapist recommends asking/inviting your dreams to show you something as you lay your head to the pillow. Perhaps you need to give your husband permission to come and visit.

I have never had a problem with an active dream life. I have had one ever since I can remember. I have had periods where I don't seem to remember any dreams, and then I have periods of vivid dreaming. I am going through a period of very vivid dreaming lately. I've had some real doozies lately. A recurring one is that I sleep in and don't go to school and I don't call in and get a sub. I just don't go to school. I've had that dream twice in as many days.

Years ago as my mom was actively dying from pancreatic cancer I had a dream. In that dream a woman I didn't really know approached me. I felt a familiarity. I wasn't scared. The woman spoke to me in German. "Du musst meine Collchen erzahlen dass Mutti wartet." It was my grandmother telling me to tell my mother that she was waiting for her. My grandmother died in 1948. I never met her. The dream helped me tell my mom what she needed to hear - that it was okay to go. I would like to believe that my grandmother came to me in a dream, so it's what I like to hold as my truth. Whether it was my psyche or really my grandmother crossing over in my dream doesn't really matter because to me it was real. 20 years later I still remember it.

I hope you can dream about your husband. It would be so good for you to have a talk. It is settling. You must invite him every night. Eventually he will accept your invitation. He will know when the time is right.

My mom came to visit in a dream some months after she died. It was very real. And while I don't remember much about it now, I remember in the dream I knew she was dead, she knew she was dead and she knew that our time was limited. She had things she wanted to say before she had to go back. I remember she said that; "...before I have to go back." When our time together us done, she climbed back into a file cabinet drawer, laid down and closed her eyes. The drawer shut and when I opened it again she had vanished.

I have a couple of really good recurring dreams that must be stress related: I have one in which my teeth simply fall out of my mouth. No pain, no blood, just teeth falling out. Another is I am in a play and it is the dress rehearsal prior to opening night. I have not been to a single rehearsal, yet everyone seems to think I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I have no idea. Yet another is being in college again and finding I have never dropped a class or gone to a class and I am to take the final. ACK! And of course, there is the walking down the street realizing I am naked from the waist down. I also have a dream in which I can't climb up a seemingly easy embankment or hill. I try and try. My legs burn, but I am simply unable to climb to the top - even though it's right there. It's like my legs won't work properly and do as they should. The best though are the flying dreams. I LOVE the flying dreams. Oh, if it were only so - that I could fly. It is utterly wonderful to fly about.

So yeah, I guess active dreamer.... Sheesh.... shut up already, Dev!

Thank you, Dev -- for all of that!

Wow! You have fantastically imaginative dreams. I do want to find those cottages in the trees (and the dog beds)!