05/30/18, Wednesday

Skimmed the posts! Low 140's for me.

I'm weary, very weary!

Ben has been more awake but his mentation has declined. Truthfully, that is much harder for me to see then his physical body declining and wasting away! His skin is so full of tumors that when I rub his back or head all I feel are increasingly bigger bumps. He is hardly eating at all, less than 200 calories a day for sure. Still drinking some. The nurse thinks he might go a week or two more after he stops eating and drinking completely since he is young and his heart is strong. I pray that he makes his next goal of his retirement date (June 3rd) and then his wish for the Lord to take him home can be realized!

I feel like I am living in another world, somewhere outside myself. Just functioning. I'm sure Ann and Liz and probably many of you know what I am feeling. It is new for me though.

Oh, Paula! This is the tough stuff. You're right ... it is another world. Not the one we've lived in up to now. I don't have any advice, despite my sweetheart's recent death. All I know is that it's uncharted there. People people may tell you how to feel, think, behave, etc. Ignore them. Just be your own sweet self and be compassionate toward yourself and Ben. There is no checklist. What happens will be what happens. Sending you both so much love.

Thinking of you my friend, wishing I could send you something....anything that could be helpful. Prayers for you, Ben and family.

Hugs, love, and empathy!

I went through pancreatic cancer with my mom and took over her care for me dad the last week, but that can't be the same as a spouse. I have only an inkling...

We adore you and I can safely speak for us all to say that we are sending our prayers, best wishes, and love to fortify you during this time.

Can't help shedding tears for you, Paula. My heart hurts for what you are going through. I'm praying for strength for you both.

Oh Paula. Your strength will hold for Ben. He will do what he needs to, then he will let go and you will want that for him so he can be at peace. They said the same things about my daughter (she was 32). Once she had seen everyone important to her (she waited for family coming from the west coast), she was able to go. She went very quietly while music was playing and I held her and whispered that I loved her and it was okay.

I stayed strong for her, then acted strong for my other children for a long time.

Ben will decide the right time, but he will trust you as he has throughout to help him.

Dearest Paula, it seems so inadequate to say that we are all thinking of you but its true. I wish I could absorb some of your pain and tiredness. Ann is right, there is no roadmap; only one foot in front of the other. So hoping for peace and little pain for dear Ben. Diane S

Paula, Taking care, the way you are doing now, is truly the purest, most selfless gift of love a person can give to another. The amount of courage and energy and patience it takes is tremendous and exhausting. Carry on. May the love of God continue to manifest itself through you. Amen.

You have been on my mind lately. Hugs to you and your family.