Friday, May 4, 2018

Weight 116.6, calories 1135. There were more carbs and sodium in there than usual so maybe I'll get another small drop tomorrow.

This morning I am doing yoga again (I think I need to baby the shoulder a bit though). This afternoon is tattoo time. I'll take a picture afterwards.

The watch for DH came yesterday so maybe I'll get that figured out today. I have to activate it and install the app.

Tomorrow I'll probably be on late as we have a two hour drive for a funeral in the morning. I have to be up at 5, get DH going, and leave at 7. He wants to go and has agreed to go to bed early but we will see what happens.

I just looked at the calendar and we are booked for apppintments every day starting Monday for the next two weeks. Most are local, but one day is in Boston, two are near where I used to work in the suburbs of Boston, and one is where we used to live in Central Mass (so 1.5 hours each way for those appointments). I'm chuckling to myself a little as I used to commute that far all the time and now they seem such a long distance away!

Oh one other thing: I am talking to a friend about possibly removing the day sailer from our back yard. He has a place where he can either drive it to the water close by or moor it. He would take DH out periodically and it would be out of our yard. It is not an attractive lawn ornament right now. Somehow I have to convince DH that this makes sense because he keeps thinking he will get it cleaned up and out himself. Yesterday he couldn't even find a towel or a bar of soap, so I think the days of sailing are way behind him. The day sailer and a sunfish, also in our backyard, haven't been taken out in over 5 years. I have an idea for someone to take the sunfish as well.

Have a fine Friday!

Hello All,

Boy, it has been quite a back to work week. Let's not talk about that.

You know what has changed for me in maintenance? Leisure. (Peps, are you listening?) All my life, and I mean ALL MY LIFE I have worked extra. Even in my professional life I worked frequent weekends either for overtime or just at a second job. Even when MO and pregnant, I worked a second job until the third trimester.

Cancer diagnosis/treatment helped me see things differently. But, I didn't really change my ways. Looking back, I think I was always over-compensating for being overweight, then obese, the MO, then SMO. You can't be called lazy if you are always working. (Lazy is a four letter word in my family of origin.)

I used work to isolate myself. I told myself I could join in the fun when I was thinner. (I never said this outloud, even in my own brain, but looking back I know it is true.)

I have always liked activity but I primarily used it for fitness with the misguided hope it help lose 20 lbs, then 50 lbs then 100 lbs. Then, I stopped being active because you can't work two jobs, be 200 lbs overweight, and still have energy to be active.

I didn't realize it until 2 days ago, that my release from overwork started when preparing for WLS when the psychologist told me that I should stop cooking for my family. In large part, he was noting that I should stop using food as a hobby, always focusing on what was going to come out of the kitchen. He noted that DH works fewer hours than I do, and DD was old enough to help DH with meals. I should focus on my food only. (I was outraged at the time)

After a lot of weight loss, I started yoga. Looking back, it is almost comical how much my small family pushed back on my new yoga hobby. My hobby was supposed to be them, not something outside the home. I didn't give in to their (selfish) demands. I am still here for them, just not constantly on-call.

Yoga dominated my leisure schedule for a long time until I started hiking. Both yoga and hiking provide a soft haven for my brain. I do it for enjoyment, no longer ruled by Calories-Out.

My hiking habit has brought me more time with my neighbor, who is also a cancer survivor. She is unabashedly pro-play. "Life is too short, I just have to follow my passions." She also works hard when she isn't playing. There is balance.

I would like to think this enlightenment is not limited to when I am at a healthy weight. I hope I always recognize that I am worthy of leisure, no matter the number on the scale.

Peps, continue to groom that client list! Let's all find some recess, tho mine will have to wait til after work!

Shel

I love this! Taking care of yourself is so important!

Speaking of which yoga was very different today. It was "neighborhood" yoga. Calm music playing, an instructor with a soothing voice, and a lot more relaxing into poses. It felt easier I think.

Yes, different instructors/locations/styles vary a lot.

All of it is good so no worries that it is "too" easy or anything like that.

My favorite yoga instructor/studio owner says her favorite yoga is "Gentle Yoga" She teaches the advanced yoga too so she has all the flexibility and strength in the world.

She says that in yoga, "less is usually more" in her best silky smooth yoga-voice

I jus****ched Ben Arbaugh's last lecture on YouTube. What a phenomenal man and speaker. There was so much respect and love in that room! My emotions are overflowing for the entire Arbaugh family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdZ8w0CkHLE

Thanks for mentioning Ben's lecture. I would like to watch it but sort of have mixed feelings. But if their family can do it then I sure can. DS

I couldn't even tell my husband about it without crying, but definitely try to watch it if you can.

Awwwwww, thank you Liz. It was an awesome, emotional filled night. I held it together the whole time there, evening smiling and laughing through most of it. Had a few tears on the car drive home, did a few things and then went to bed. Woke back up around midnight and and cried my heart out, tried to go back to bed unsuccessfully and then went and sat on the floor in Ben's home office and sobbed uncontrollably. I have not cried much through most of this, so it was a good release but I feel more bottled up inside. The enormity of what I am about to lose is becoming all too real. I read somewhere it being called anticipatory grief. It sucks!

Yes it definitely does suck. I so wish this wasn't happening.