Thur, April 5th

I'm glad you are back. You touch my heart with your eloquent description of how overwhelming grief can be when it hits full force.

Weight: 164.4

I don't feel like I'm getting in that many calories all day, but what I do eat is crap. I think I had 6 cookies yesterday--because it's easy to grab with one hand and shovel in. And my stomach issues have returned. I think eventually I will have to see a GI.

I feel a little overwhelmed with my overthinking recently. First I found out my grandmother's best friend passed on Monday. It was her last surviving close friend. In some weird way it's encouraging that she's grieving this loss because it lets me know she's processing it. But still sad to see. And a reminder of her age and that we probably won't have her a lot longer and to embrace the time that we do have. I'm so so glad I've gotten to see her with Rebecca. She's always loved babies and was and is the warmest and best grandparent.

Layoff rumors abound at my husband's work and for the first time ever he's worried. Very worried. I'm the worrier, he's the optimist. Sometimes these things can't be avoided. I don't cope well with change. A new baby and potentially loss of a job/new job is a lot of change. I'm trying to look at the bright side. If it does happen, and nothing has happened, maybe we'll look back on it as a good thing. It's "just a job" but we've made so many friends and have so many memories...it feels more like a relationship that could be ending.

Greetings Peeps and Peps

146.5. But I was wearing the heavy socks. I had dreams last night of buying cookies and orange juice. Glad it was only a dream. I have never really liked orange juice but cookies are another matter.

Hey good news, Peps is back. (the writer formerly known as Kairk). I copied his post. I don't have the option to approve new members of this group but I see the posts. I think OH has to approve all new OH members so thats the deal. Welcome Peps. I could have written your thoughts about belonging here. You do indeed. And sympathies again on Jackson. All dogs go to heaven.

Dr. apt today. My blood platelets go up and down due to some autoimmune issue (read: stress) so they check them once in awhile. But for the colonoscopy 6 weeks ago they were checked and were well into the healthy range. So I will be surprised if anything is amiss. Since I have to drive down to what passes for a city here, I will make a costco run. We are scheduled for a heavy rain storm starting later today and I hope I miss that. DH at least got the yard mowed - it was a foot tall! Yep, we mow the yard in winter, not summer. There are goats down the street and I was thinking of borrowing them.

DianeO I so feel for you in that nightmare winter drive. Been there done that in my midwest days. Yeah, the big bag of m and ms would have been mine too. I so often remember driving home from a bad day at work and thinking "I have to go to Target and get chocolate".

Last night we watched a ridiculous movie "Beverly Hills Chihuahua". It was actually pretty cute and the "hero" chihuahua looked like little Justice. (except Peps it had a terrible fiddle front which Justice does not).

Fish last night plus a big pile of grilled sweet peppers.

It was a slow gallery day until right at closing when I made a sale. More banking to do for the gallery today. Different system and different bank.

Well thats about it except I need more coffee. Diane S

I'll have to look that movie up!

Welcome back, Devon!

You guys are challenging my sleep-deprived brainpower today! First I read Diane S.'s post and was very confused because she sounded like Devon--until I reread it and understood she was posting for Devon. And then I was confused as to why I didn't see his start post. Until I reread She's post.

Glad to have you here Peps!

139.2 same!

Haircut today, so I will have to color sometime later today and cover the greys!

Feeling tired. Had to get up early (on my day off!) to take DS#3 to football practice, er.......I mean open gym since it is illegal to be starting official football practices this early. It just so happens the whole football team shows up for open gym at 6:00 in the morning!

Ann, I took your suggestion to interview DH. I have come up with a list of questions and he has agreed to the interview. I think we will all appreciate the time to reflect! I plan on using some of the questions/answers to make scrapbook pages for his Celebration of Life. I'm also working on ideas to display family photos and his many work related awards!

I'm here, I'm here, I'm here! Just running ragged today. I will try to make a real (for me) post tonight when the dust settles.

I'm so very happy to see Devon and Joey posting. And everyone else. Paula, I am happy that Ben's going to do some interviews. My husband's recordings are sooooo precious to me.

Love you all. Mean that. L O V E you people I mostly haven't met yet.

Today's theme: Don't forget to activate my turn blinker when driving. (It's that kind of day.)

Weight - 134.0
Macronutrients - Cals 1,564, Carbs 157, Fats 59, Protein 94, Fiber 16
Sleep (goal 8 hrs.) - 9 hours
Vegetables/Fruits (goal 8/day) - 4
Exercise - None

This week has been unusual. Monday and Tuesday I had severe sleeping issues - got no more than 3 hours sleep each night. That means I ate during the night - lots of carbs. I've now found more foods NOT to keep in the house for now.

Consequently, I didn't go to yoga class on Tuesday or to aquarobics on Wednesday. But last night (after taking two Tylenol PM pills) I passed out and got 9 hours sleep. Consequently, I feel like me again. Went to yoga class this morning and am much the better for it.

All of this week has been long days of trying to finalize my husband's final celebration of life / memorial service, which will be held April 14. This is the service I will hold locally for friends and family who knew him well. It's been a challenge - finding a venue for it and finding a responsive caterer whom I trust to show up on time and do a good job.

A complicating factor is that I'll be out of town starting tomorrow and won't get home until the day before the service. This week I've also had to get my 2017 taxes sorted out to file an extension, which sounds simple, but our finances aren't so simple. And under all this stress I've fallen into some more grieving mudholes. It's "funny" (not funny) that just as I think I'm adapting to my new reality that the next wave of grief hits me, which (so says the grieving literature) is not unusual.

And as I've said many times before, for me sleep is the basis of everything. For me, bad sleep is not only a consequence of stress, but it's the cause of more stress. And this is obviously why people do drugs.

Tomorrow morning I will leave home for a week to meet eight of my dearest friends in the world in New Orleans. It will be a celebration of sorts and another wake for my husband, since they all knew him. Honestly, this is the ONLY wake for him that will feed my spirit - doing the first one for his family was necessary and important. Doing the one for his friends and my family when I come home will also be necessary. But being in the bosom of my friends and remembering all our good times together with my husband will be true closure for me.

In the meantime I've been following everyone's posts. I'm enormously happy to hear Devon's voice here again. I love his latest blog post about being in the now. That is indeed all we ever have: Now, whether it's good, bad, or indifferent. It's a waste of our lives not to open ourselves to today. We'll never get today back. And we shouldn't waste one second of today hating ourselves. Or simply failing to appreciate that we are living and drawing breath. We get to make that choice many times each day.

Today's theme (thanks to Devon): Today, I choose to love myself and the life I have been given today.

It is 9:30 pm. I'm at Universal at the hotel in bed and exhausted. Eating was weird today: Turkey for breakfast, a couple of protein bars during the day and a pretty good kabob dinner at Margaritaville. Who the heck knows what tomorrow will bring. Sleeping is going to be awful as SIL is reading and drinking and doesn't have a book light and DD is not back from watching the hockey game at the bar. I can't sleep with any light or noise... Plus my innards are a little unhappy with the protein bars.

DH was also exhausted today and didn't sleep much in the 3.5 hour drive here (seems to think he has to stay awake). As a result he freaked out in a line with DD and started yelling and took off (very uncharacteristic btw). He didn't have his phone so we couldn't find him (Find My iPhone determined that the phone was at the hotel). Security was just putting a BOLO out when an employee at one of the dining places called because DH finally asked for help. I guess I have to get one of those GPS watches for DH and just make sure it is always on him when we go out.

SO happy to see Devon and Joey here today! I love our group. So much support through thick and thin (and I don't mean that weight-wise).