Thur, April 5th

Well, I think Peps started today's thread but is wearing an invisibility cloak because DianeS has to approve this freshly minted member????

Welcome Peps! ;)

Supah Excited to see you here!!!!!

More later,

Shel

Shel, in reference to yesterday's post, I absolutely get the number weirdness !! I weigh in and record on MFP daily, as part of my objective data collection to inform behavior. Posting it here adds an emotional layer for me that triggers obsessiveness. Anyway, the four hour drive to Albany was before the weather. After DH's appointments I drive home in high wind warnings and serious snow squalls. At the first rest area, I got a small bag ( 2 portions) of jelly beans and a small bag of pretzel mix (2 portions) and consumed all of both during the white knuckle drive. In the past, it would have been two pounds of peanut M & Ms and a family sized bag of crappy chip mix... so there's that. Up a pound today, but 8 hours sitting in a car does that to my lymphedema, so tomorrow should be back down. More on DH's Dr. visit later. Heading out to locate everything that blew away/dorn during the storm and to find out if the shingles on our deck were from our house.

As I was reading what you really did eat during that terrible drive, I thought your food choices were really minimal. considering.

And then I got to the 2 lbs of MnM's, etc from days of old and thought "yup." My worst days these days just don't compare to my usual days pre-VSG.

I frequently think about you and that crazy weather. Surely Spring is on its way.

Wow that sounds like an awful drive!

Hi all,

New avi, new user ID. Decided rather than to reactivate my account, I wanted to start new and fresh. Pep, Peps, Peppy is the nickname I was known by for most of my childhood. My Pops still calls me Peps, so there it is.

The new avi? Well, I figured if Ann could be Marilyn, I could be George. I knew the name from my childhood from Benacek and then the A-Team (which I never watched -not even a single episode. Just saw the promos.) Saw Breakfast at Tiffany's a few years ago on the big screen. Holly Golightly wasn't the only one to crush on Paul that evening! LOL! The man was quite good looking.

Done some reflection over the week or two I've been away. I'm not sure exactly how much you want to know here, so maybe it will go on the blog. Anyway, for starters, today was a bit of a tough day in the enlightenment department. First, I read the beginning of a professional article on eating disorders. Straight women are the largest group afflicted with eating disorders. Second largest group? You guessed it....gay males. Stirred the emotional pot a bit. Second, was doing some more reading on food addiction. According to the DSM-IV I have every single symptom that accompanies or qualifies someone for diagnosis with food addiction. Third, reading the article agitated me both mentally and physically. My heart rate increased. I could feel the motion start in my legs, muscles tighten in my jaw and face, and my gut started to feel the butterflies of nervousness.

The break was good. I am settled with the fact that I am not a "Maintainer". So, I may not feel or believe that I "belong" in this group, but I do belong here. There is no reason for me not to participate. What I am not able to bring to the table of conversation are weight maintenance strategies that I have found successful long term. That's it. Otherwise, I can participate.

I also have come to accept that there is no "back on track" for me. I was never on the right track to begin with. I was on a short sighted trip with a final destination: 170 pounds. That was it. 170 pounds. Of the 108 pounds I have lost I have gained back over 75, almost 80, but not quite. That makes me sad. But I am not defeated. I am in a cycle of I don't give a **** and it's too much work to plan my food and take a stand to correct my addict driven food consumption behavior (isn't that the nicest way of saying, "****** up eating'? LOL), but being in that cycle simply happens to be where I am today.

From my blog:

Today is today. I have spent a lot of time worrying about what has been or what will be. I spend much time feeling hyperextended and steeped in responsibility and schedules, which has left very little time for taking care of myself for the past several years. I do not have answers for my problems today. Nor will I have answers tomorrow. However, I am going to do my very level best to remember that I have today and right now.

When Jackson died last week I wept. I sobbed so hard I was gasping for breath. I sat on the floor next to his body and couldn't get up and leave. I couldn't look at Ron. I couldn't talk. I barely squeaked out, "I can't leave him. I can't." Wracked with grief, I wept as I pet him - still, unmoving. I stayed. I stayed with him until I could get up and leave.

I have not felt such grief since my mother died 20 years ago. With his death my boy, my dog, gave me with another gift - the understanding that facing the pain of sorrow and loss and allowing the grief to wash over me, embracing me, is good. It is recuperative. It is healing.

I am unafraid to look at what else is lurking beneath the surface. I am scared to death, but I'm not afraid.

Glad you're back, friend !!

I AM YOU!!! And you give me so much support and guidance. I will treat me as if I were you. I would be so much kinder to you than I am to myself! I have accepted my psychiatrist's refusal to address my food addiction and her dismissal of putting me on different medication to "lose weight". No more.

I too am not a "Maintainer". On my drive to work this morning, I was thinking that I need to get back on this board before my fingernails fall off from sliding down this very dangerous slope. I too do not believe that I "belong" in this group because I never got to goal thus never maintained. I also thought in my negativity that I take the support and give none, but I do belong here because I need you guys and I too can participate.

I too was never on the right track. I was on the same short sighted trip with the SAME final destination: 170 pounds. Of the 108!!! pounds I have lost (I SWEAR--290 to 182=108), I am gaining it back quickly and it makes me very sad and I felt defeated. I am currently in the low 2teens. With everything else going on in my life, I too am in a cycle of I don't give a **** and it's too much work to plan, buy and prepare my food... Yes "****** up eating"! Yet I fixed myself an egg salad wrap this morning for lunch thinking I would pick apart the wrap, which I did, and I grabbed a banana. I will keep it simple.

I too was devastated 15 years ago when I unexpectedly found my beloved dachshund dead. He was old, but seemed perfectly healthy. I was alone and completely broke lying on the floor next to him. It was a long time before I could move. I understand this COMPLETELY. It was before Christmas and we had Christmas at my parents' house that year. I could not function. I swore I'd never get another dog, but more than a year later, my daughter's friend gave her a skinnier than usual, abused fawn Italian greyhound. She had all of his paperwork so I could be sure he was not owned by anyone else. She handed him to me, he nuzzled in behind my hair and I was owned. Some of the despair lifted, but even now I am weepy eyed typing this.

I am so sorry for your pain! I understand and send heartfelt hugs.

(I jus****ched Breakfast at Tiffany's for the first time last week and LOVED it!) Sorry for the long post but Holy ****e, you are me and I am you but in a cis female body!

Hey Joey, good to hear from you. You do indeed belong to this group. All you have to do to belong is share a little. No numbers or goals required.

One observation: seems like people with demanding jobs and lives who are overscheduled are the ones who run into eating issues. Well duh. That was me in the old days. Easier to order a pizza than make good choices. I don't have the answer but sure with there were more healthy options at fast food places. Yeah you can get a salad at MickyD's but really?

But there is support and sanctuary here. So hang in there.

I on the other hand have no excuse for my 20 lb regain. No job stress. Just self indulgence. DS

Good to hear from you Joey. You and Devon definitely belong in our group!

Yay! You are back! I like peps!