Friday, March 16th

This is a different kind of post to say ....

The last 12 hours was an unexpected trip to a painful place about my husband's "goneness." It's like all the other phases of this grief process when those phases show up for the first time -- unexpected, painful, shocking.

Briefly, this blow had to do with the realization that no matter how hard I try I can't keep him with me and that I'm exhausting myself by trying to do that -- and that stopping doing that is going to be very, very hard and will invite even more pain.

This morning after only 3 hours of sleep I've come to the conclusion (yet again) that the only way to address this latest pain is to feel it, invite it in, get to know it, examine it, let it examine me. This conclusion reminds me of Devon's recent examination of his own pain.

I want and need to understand this process so much better than I do. This morning it seems like it would be helpful to examine my grieving process from a Buddhist perspective -- suffering, attachment, cravings, moderation, the middle way, etc. I'm far from a Buddhist and am leery of identifying as any kind of an -ist. But I'm drawn to Buddhist principles and practices I know about that seem so sensible, practical, uncontrived, and personal.

BTW, my physical therapy appointment yesterday afternoon has left my spine, back, shoulders and arms feeling very re-adjusted and very sore. It's possible (woo-woo as it may sound) that all those physical realignments have released and/or invited more emotional pain to the surface. I'm not pronouncing this as truth, but am noting the sequence of events.

And because I'm burying the lead, last night I ate an estimated 1,500 extra calories of biscotti and dark chocolate.

It's karmically amusing that just when I think I'm getting a handle on "everything" I am humbled by my human imperfections. I suppose that makes me perfectly human.

Today's theme: Feel the feelings. After all, they're just feelings.

Ann, I don't "like" your pain. I like that you give me food for thought, something to aspire to, a role model for how to move forward in difficult times. You are an amazing woman and I'm honored to have you in my life.

Thank you, Diane. I feel the same way about everyone here. This is such a good support group of strong, authentic, smart, thoughtful people with so much experience to draw from. Sometimes I think of us sitting in a circle in a room walled with full-length mirrors where we see ourselves reflected back from many perspectives.

Unfortunately part of grieving is letting go and feeling that pain. It's normal to do that but just don't stay there too long. Staying too busy doesn't allow that grieving time but you need both I think (if that makes sense).

Liz, thanks. And yes, that makes sense.

FTR, earlier this week I asked my doctor, "How long does this grieving pain last?", making clear that i knew that question was much too simple for such a complicated issue.

And making clear that his answer was much too simple for a very complicated issue he said, "Six months, twelve months, eightteen months is not unnormal. It depends on the widow/er, the nature of relationship, the greatness of the loss, the suddenness of the death, the kinds of support available to the widow/er, and a number of other things."

I don't worry that I'll suffer from longer-than-normal acute pain referred to in grief literature by terms like "complicated grief" (where the person grieves for many years, perhaps until they die) or "broken heart syndrome" (a real medical term that describes real physical maladies that follow the death of a loved one). I'm also alert to and guarding against the likelihood of any transfer addictions that might happen after a loved one's death by the abuse of alcohol, prescription or recreational drugs, impulsive shopping or risky investments. I truly believe I'm experiencing successive grieving stages that I doubt are peculiar to me. But they do feel debilitating when they first appear.

Weight 163.8

I had a good hike yesterday and ended up with 20,000 steps for the day. No such steps will be happening today - I have a friend's birthday lunch with some of my favorite people and later a massage scheduled.

Paula, my next trip is in April to Cincinnati for my aunt's 80th birthday. I just bought my ticket yesterday!

Here's my pic for the day. Fergus being Fergus. He balances a ball on his paws for long stretches of time (sometimes 20 minutes) barely nudging it with his nose until it gets to the edge and rolls off. Then he chases it. The whole time, his little eyebrows twitch as he looks up to make sure I'm watching...

That's my next goal. :)

20,000 steps or balancing a ball on your "paws" for 20 minutes?

Balancing a ball on my paws. :)

Right now, I'm trying to make all my goals achievable. :)

Fergie would happily lend you one of his!