Saturday, March 10, 2018

Weight: 130.0
Macros: Cals - 1,845, carbs - 199, fats - 52, protein - 108, fiber - 30
Veggies/Fruits (goal 8): 8
Sleep (goal 8 hours): 7.5
Exercise: Aquarobics class

Weight still at 130. Calories up. What a deal!

Got another 7.5 hours of sleep last night. Could I be turning a corner?

Yesterday's 8 V/Fs were the same as yesterday.

Last week I felt a few moments of actual joy for the first time since my husband died nearly two months ago. It felt like seeing crocuses in the snow, a cardinal on a branch, a subtly glorious sunrise. None of those things were present when my joy bubbled up. But the joy is still there and making itself known again. What a strange, hellish, intimate, powerful process grieving is. It's much like childbirth, a process over which I have no control and can only surrender to.

Today's theme: T.G.I.Saturday, because there's only one Saturday each week. And tomorrow we spring forward, to which I say ugh, since I prefer my daylight in the morning with coffee.

Good morning friends. We took a side trip to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls for an early "anniversary lunch" at the Skylon Tower for our six year anniversary. Lately, every thing we do seems to accentuate the differences between us, and not in a good way. From raising a puppy, to driving in high stress situations, to planning day trips ... very much not on the same page. Not comfortable feeling a knot in my stomach.

Ordered some Spring waterproof hiking pants and a lighter hooded waterproof vest (my favorite color-purple, Diane !). It WILL stop snowing, and I look forward to using them !

Focusing on the positive and simple gratitude.

I'm sorry you are feeling so different. Is this new or has it been building up for a while? One of the women we walk with is from the Canadian side of the falls. They seem to go back and forth quite a bit.

Diane, I feel for you. I remember those stomach knots (from my first marriage). Not a good feeling. xoxoxo

Good morning! I'm glad you are starting to feel a bit of joy again. Healing takes time but you seem to be working through it. I'm with you about daylight in the am. I'm up at 6:15 with Justice now and it is barely light. I'm not looking forward to dark mornings again. But ultimately I wish they'd just stay in ONE time zone. It seems that Florida is on that path and since we may be here mostly from late October to May next year means that we would stay in DST all year.

Weight 116.4, calories 916. I had a piece of the most wonderful chocolate Ganache cake last night. My mouth loved it but my intestines hated it. I was miserable for a couple of hours. Payback!

Today we are meeting the cousins for dinner at a beachfront restaurant we have been wanting to go to. Unfortunately it is supposed to rain so I hope it won't be too much so we still have some sort of view.

Have a surprising Saturday!

Thanks, Liz. I thought of you when I was typing that part.

144 OTD. Calories 1130 with C: 146, F: 46, P: 68. Not too bad for a travel day away from home. DS#2 came in second for his division in the interview category for Academic Decathlon and his team came in 2nd overall for their division. They had a lot of fun!

Liz, I don't like DLS either. We are just starting to have brighter mornings and now it will be a dark ride to work again.

Ann, so happy that you are able to feel some joy again. I imagine those days will increase as time goes on.

Diane O, sorry you are feeling that knot in your stomach. My DH and I are very different from each other and somehow make it work. I guess we are both pretty good at compromise and/or doing our own things without the other.

Feeling tired from our long day yesterday so I think today will include a lot of unstructured time of rest and relaxation, perhaps a Netflix movie!

Weight: 193.4

Well, due date came and went and no baby. I feel pretty chill about it, though. I had my appointment yesterday and the thing I don't like I having to schedule a no-later-than induction date. I really hate signing consent forms like that. I know they just want to get me on the schedule and that many many women will still go on to have their babies sometime this week. But I pushed out the induction date to March 20, and I almost wonder if I should've gone with the latest possible March 23. But other risks do increase. STill, I guess I feel like if my body makes that decision rather than me making the decision, I feel more confident, or at least less culpable if something happens, y'know?

Ha, and I just said I was zen. Well the rest of the day was pretty peachy. My poor parents have had the worst run of bad luck recently. LIke seriously. When it rains, it pours. It started about a month ago when their pool people told them their heater had frozen over and it would cost $1700 to replace. Luckily my husband looked at it, it was just a bolt that needed tightened. But in the process of doing that, they plugged something in to their garden and next thing we knew, a neighbor was knocking down the door to let them know the yard was on fire. And of course those electrical outlets would have to be replaced. Well then last week their ovens blew out and melted their tv dinners. Can't get any repairmen to call them back. Upstairs faucets had slow drip but luckily easy repair by plumber. Then mom goes to take a bath on Wednesday after PT and finds cold water. Water heater needs to be replaced. Ca-ching. And in what is turning out to be a comedy of errors, they go to turn on their tv Thursday only to find out the power surge has blown out their receiver. Oy vey. Sometimes you just have to say thank God these are just things. And although it bites to spend all this money at once, Thank God they can mostly fix/replace these things.

Aaaanyway, my husband is so dear that he immediately found an inexpensive replacement receiver for my dad that is almost the same as the one that blew out. So we picked that up yesterday and he'll replace it today. I love that he can and will do nice things like that for my parents! We had a nice lunch and then I went to have a prenatal massage. She could definitely feel where it felt like my rib muscles had been strained from all the coughing. It felt so good in that hurt so good kind of way. Like Liz, I indulged in a piece of chocolate cake afterwards. I took myself to a little French café in an attempt to try and finish up writing thank-you notes. DH and I intended to go to dinner and a movie, but we were too exhausted after dinner. Dinner was eggplant parmigiana for me because I'd read some wive's tale about it inducing labor. So my food choices for yesterday weren't the greatest! But all in all it was a good day.

I'm kind of excited about DST. I dislike waking up to pure darkness, but I think I dislike coming home to darkness even more. I like the opportunity to get stuff done when I get home, and that just doesn't seem to happen when it's so dark.

Good morning, all!

Ann, so glad that joy has found you! DianeS ---- I got the map!!!!!! Do you remember the toy catalogs that used to come at Christmas? (Sears?) It feels just like that! Also, love the webcam, tho I was hoping to see you waving at me. (Grab your kayak and get out there!)

Yesterday's service for MIL's was a joyful gathering of people reconnecting ancient ties.

Many hours later, I was struck with grief, not for my MIL's passing, but for the tragedy of her final years. Liz, this next part might strike too close to home for you. I am truly sorry. And, actually the rest of this is rather sad no matter who you are....but here it is, anyway.

As I talked to her old friends, the friends she played with in her 30's, 40's and 50's, I remembered what it was like to talk to MIL before the memory loss. There was a pattern of quick conversation, wit and wry that was so familiar. Are we all imprinted by those closest to us, taking on their spots and stripes?

It makes my heart ache to remember how she truly was, before. And how had I forgotten the full force of that loss?

I was overwhelmed with the realization that MIL lost these friends, her tribe, with her memory. I had assumed these friendships faded away with moves and driving restrictions. But, more than one of these women were physically vibrant and lived within miles of MIL.

They shook their heads as they said they enjoyed MIL so much, until she could no longer "keep up."

I shake my head knowing how meaningful a visit, even one a year, would have been to DMIL. She never lost her affection or memory of these women. Memory loss is so vicious. The stripping of memory is just the first brutal strike.

So, one service down, one to go. My FIL is physically unable to leave his bed so he couldn't attend yesterday's service. We thought about computer assisted attendance, but no one thought that would provide closure for him. So, a priest will meet with him and immediate family today.

Onward! By the way, tis sunny here! Crocuses are abundant!

Shel

It is brutal how Alzheimer's affects those diagnosed with the disease and the lives of those who love and care for them.

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 15 years before she died. For the last dozen years of her life she lived with us for 8 years and then at a nearby nursing home for 4 years. Until her last year of life she found pleasure in living due to her own resilience and because she was fortunate that I had taken on the burden of creating her life with/for her.

However, I admit that the cost to me of caring for her and helping her to create and continue to find joy in life through most of those twelve years was very, very high. Frankly, it nearly did me in. The sadness and pain of caring for her was so much harder than caring for my husband.

To this day, I cannot find the boundaries between duty, love, and codependence in my mother's and my relationship, but I expect those boundaries are blurred in many parent-child relationships.

Last week I had lunch with a yoga friend who's caring for her Alzheimer's-diagnosed husband at home. She's 70, he's 80, and she's running out of energy. She said, "I've always been a care-giver. My first husband died when I was 35, and I had three children who've all had 'issues.' Now I've got older siblings who are starting to have medical problems, so I'll probably have to care for them, too. Will it ever end?"

I'm truly sorry for the downers. But life is just freakin' hard sometimes. To pretend otherwise is lunacy. I think in some ways I'm finally starting to confront just how very stressful the last 15 years has been for me.

Jeez! No wonder I became morbidly obese! I guess it could have been worse -- I could have developed even more health issues and other addictions. What a silver lining, eh? OK, now it's starting to get funny. Sheesh!