Thursday, January 25, 2018

Weight 116.2, calories 1024.

I just read Devon's post from yesterday and blog. Regain is truly a vicious cycle - feeling bad about oneself then causes more regain, and ultimately acceptance of oneself as being a fat person who doesn't deserve anything (except food). Like Shel, Diane S and others, I've done it but with about 80 pounds of loss/regain (then I through an extra 20 in). I never thought about the public nature of regain after WLS. I can see that it adds insult to injury. When we feel bad about ourselves we eaters historically comfort ourselves with food. My early weight gains started when I would eat an entire box of pop tarts because my mother was dead drunk and couldn't cook. Then I would buy a Pepperidge farm vanilla coconut cake and eat the whole thing when my first marriage was not working. There were many boxes of donuts over the years that I'd eat until sick, hide in the closet, then repeat the next day. Eating them to feel less crappy, then feeling more crappy (mentally and physically) after eating them.

Deep thoughts for me, being a person who likes to tuck those things away... This group is truly therapy.

Being somewhat lazy is on the docket today. Yesterday, DH tried line dancing and it did not go well. He cannot follow/remember steps. But then he beat SIL and me twice at Jenga. He felt good about that (as he should).

Have a thorough Thursday!

Devon's blog made my heart ache. I believe my insight into his journey and corresponding feelings is mostly on target. I certainly have empathy and compassion for anyone experiencing regain, but I may not look as deeply beyond the façade others I don't know as well project. As Shel, Liz, Diane S and others shared, I too have lost and regained 100 pounds or more three times prior to VSG. I have felt like a loser, failure, weak willed, unworthy human being after working so hard to "get" somewhere and then "letting it slip away". I can remember waking up and initially thinking it was just a nightmare... that I was still at a healthier weight. I'd promise myself, if I could just do it one more time, I'd treasure that gift and never let regain happen again. Each time it did, I was deeper and deeper in the hole. Now I sometimes wake up after a nightmare that I'm back at my highest weight. I have such gratitude that I'm not, and such awareness that it could so easily happen again. It is often hard to believe that regain hasn't happened, because that is all I've known. That's why I can't "relax into" where I am, and I accept some degree of hypervigilance in myself...sometimes boardering on obsessive behavior. We are all such works in progress, but the key is that each of us is willing do the best we know how to do until we know how to do better.

Interesting Aha moment as we look toward training Atlas as a PTSD Service Dog. (There are organizations that train Vets to train their own service dogs.) It often takes Chuck (okay...just calling him DH from now on) time to process out of the box thinking. I'm slowly having him think about and verbalize the specific aspects of his PTSD he wants Atlas to support him with. So far, we've come up with road rage and isolating. Now comes the hard part. We have to train Atlas to identify the specific cues associated with each behavior as well as the specific action he is expected to take to intervene. A Vet training his own service dog is CBT at its best !! DH is increasing his awareness of how he looks, sounds, acts as he becomes triggered for road rage. He has to think about and verbalize what action a dog could take to intervene and de-escalate that process. We are having such great discussions about "training Atlas". He has not verbalized an awareness of what is actually happening, but it's coming !

Wow - love this idea of someone with PTSD training a dog to help with it. I can see how it would provide insight into behavior and perhaps how to de-escalate when necessary.

I agree - what a great way to train a therapy dog!

Very cool about the PTSD training. Calling Chuck DH made me smile - good for you girl!

I'm going to try not to be quite so chatty today lol ;)

I could only scan Devon's post because I would've spent wayyyyy too much time chewing on it and stewing on it. I have never personally been there post-WLS, Devon. My regain was limited to 10lbs. But I could see how easily that train could get away. And I totally understand that there is a next-level shame associated with regain after WLS. In fact, that's part of the reason I never wanted to tell people about my WLS. Because if I were to fail it, as I'd failed so many previous diets, I didn't think I could handle the critiques. And where do you go after regain from WLS? I still personally believe my surgery is my only and best chance (combined with other techniques) but it must be so hard to rationalize a second surgery. Not to mention what the outer critics say. I'm so glad we're talking about this because I was shocked by how stern the general VSG board can be towards people who post about wanting to get back on track after regain. They are very quick to point out the symptom, but not the problem.

But I also see Diane O.'s reaction. I have one friend who was contemplating WLS and would ask me many questions, and then get a sundae and a fancy cappuccino and wanted to eat what seemed like all the time. I'll admit that my first reaction was literally I think I'm going to be sick just thinking about all the food she's eating. And secondary to that I thought "I wasn't like that was I?" And third was "how can she expect to be successful with WLS when she's eating like this?!" I think a lot of this we do to keep ourselves on the straight and narrow. I need not to eat like that. And I guess in some sense telling myself it's an undesirable thing to do helps me make that goal. But I also remember back to the days before WLS. I was wayyyyy hungrier. It didn't seem to matter what I ate, anyway. I was going to make myself miserable to be 275 instead of 277? There was no end in sight. My surgeon didn't even have a presurgery diet so I ate steak and dessert and Chinese food the day before surgery. And I think I've done alright.

I had a semi-healthy eating day yesterday. Lunch was a 1/2 sub sandwich and dinner was 1/2 piece of salmon, roasted brussels sprouts and a few bites of macaroni and cheese.

"......in some sense telling myself it's an undesirable thing to do helps me...."

True that!

Like former smokers that become anti-smoker zealots

Though I participate in the menu threads and read/reply/post in the forums, I have to say them some of the "vets" can be mighty preachy about what you can and cannot eat and drink. I think this group is more real about life stresses and living life, if that makes sense? Thank you Diane S. for starting it!

But I do know I have to bite my tongue frequently with DD who is about 80+ pounds up now. She needs to come to her own terms with it and whether she wants to do something about it ****ep reminding myself when I see her eat several rolls before dinner). She is very unhappy in her personal life right now so she needs to get her head in a better place (She just split from live-in boyfriend who she wanted to marry, but he cheated twice. She has also been recovering from a broken leg and out of work for a month - back next week).

Liz, I'll add my double amen to your observation about some "vets" here.

It seems that some of them have gone through a lot of ups and downs to finally identify what works (and doesn't work) for them. But then their cult of "My Way Must Become Everyone Else's Way" begins.

Of course, I'm most critical of behaviors in others that I see myself struggle with. If I ever do mail my spit test off to 23andme, I predict the results will come back 51% Know-It-All and 49% Scared-To-Death.

There is undoubtedly some wisdom in "vets" recommendations. Of course eating no/low carb works. Until you stop eating that way. What happens when life happens? If it works for some, I think that's great.

There is more than one way to skin a cat. I took a more liberal approach to my eating and I feel I've been decently successful. I look for the trend and not the blip. At 7 1/2 years I'm finally starting to realize this is a LIFETIME.

I think a small amount of understanding and compassion can go a long way. I personally respond very poorly to the "boot camp" "dress you down" type rhetoric. For me, it's very humbling to ask for advice, especially at something that I struggle with greatly. And to be made to feel ashamed just adds insult to injury. Posters on here, of all places, should understand the struggle. And that's why I keep posting to this group. We may disagree or have different philosophies but I think you guys are truly trying to understand where I'm coming from. That means a lot.

I too am occasionally guilty of thinking "how could they?" I try to remember that no one WANTS to be fat and ill. If anything, I think regain and overeating of it as a symptom and not the problem. At least if one really wants to find a long-term solution.