Wednesday, January 24

Beyond adorable. Astonishingly adorable.!

Oh! Those cheeks! That sweet baby yawn! Perfect!

Glad to have you back David! Your loooooong post made up for missed days (not that there is a quota or anything!)

Sadly, I wrote a post this afternoon and forgot to post it! I will do my best to recreate...

Talked about work a little, but eh... Let's just say it was a feather in Mr. Allen's cap day. Mucky muck (but a very nice one) came and observed me teach today. Ms. Muckymuck is new to the district and has never been in my classroom. She came in to see me teach 2 classes of 3rd graders (40 kiddos) a writing lesson. NAILED IT! Blew Ms. Muckymuck away! Hehehehe

Okay, Diane O's post struck a harsh note with me. I have a lot of empathy for Diane O's SIL. It is impossible to understand the depth of emotional discord, turmoil, and anxiety that accompanies significant regain after WLS. Please note I said significant. I know all of you understand the scars of obesity. Yet, I don't think you can truly understand the emotional experience that comes with major regain after WLS. Gaining huge amounts of weight after WLS - especially for those of us who have made our goal weights - adds an extra layer of shame that is nearly inexplicable. Not only is it embarrassing to watch the weight creep on, it is terrifying to understand that logically you know exactly what you need to do to stop the gain and begin to lose, yet be seemingly incapable of doing anything about it. The emotional paralysis is intense. The inner dialogue begins yet again, but it no longer packs the power of a simple hand gun, the dialogue has the power, force, and potential damage of an assault rifle. I knew the regain was my fault. It was my inherent weakness. Can you imagine what it feels like to be given the gift of WLS and the chance of a healthy life with a body you actually feel good about, achieving that dream of healthy weight and then watching it begin to crack and shatter and fall to pieces and knowing it is ALL YOUR FAULT? I felt like a loser - a failure. I felt that I was a lost cause. How could I be the one to **** this up? How can I be the one; the one who would fail WLS? Not only do the feelings of self loathing and hatred ignite again, the feelings of despair and hopelessness and utter lack of worth as a human, and of being undeserving of any type of weight loss success explode from the smoldering ashes of your left over obese mind and get the bonfire of self denigration raging. The absolute worst part is that your entire world watches as you regain. There is no hiding it. You are fat again. Everybody sees it. Everybody knows it. You can hide it with clothes for a bit, but eventually, there is nothing to do but step into the light, put on a jolly facade and die a little more inside. There is compassion and understanding and there is judgement and disgust. Every noticed sideward glance, real or imagined, digs the grave of obesity a little deeper. So you sit on the edge and know the inevitable is coming. Have the doughnut, Dev. It doesn't matter anymore anyway. You're fat. You're a pig. EAT IT!

That is what significant regain feels like. It builds up over time. It takes a lot of work not to stay in the abyss of those very real feelings. My heart goes out to Diane O's SIL. I know her. She is me. There is a part of her soul that stays locked away now. If it was let out and escaped in a rush the pain would be so overwhelming the damage could be irreparable. The pain has to come out in fits and spurts - in realizations. As much as you might like, you cannot help her or me. You can not model your eating. We have already proven we are incapable of eating like you. We know we are a lost cause. We accept it. Outwardly, we save face, but it is over. We smile. We laugh. We eat with gusto and drink. Defiantly, we order dessert. And we laugh some more.

Look into my eyes. You will see. I am scared - terrified really. I am weeping. My inner being wracks with the sobs. When I see you, you only remind me of my failure. You want to help, but you can't. I wish you could. My hope is dying. There is no saving me.

So there you have it. It ain't pretty. It's the state of being from which I am climbing up the switch back. I don't even understand why Diane's post triggered such passion and the need to express what gaining, not 10 or 20, but rather 50, 75, or 100 pounds causes on a hidden emotional level. I hope Diane O's SIL still has hope - hope and belief in her true self.

Shel's mention of self labeling also sparked my thinking. I admit I, at some point over the past months, have returned to thinking of myself as the "Fatman". I am working on changing my self label. Or perhaps the change is still in the desire phase. It is hard. There is a reward in referring to myself as the Fatman with a gleeful and wicked little chuckle and getting people to giggle at my self deprecating humor. The only problem is that as long as I identify as the Fatman, I will be the Fatman. I would love to think of myself the "Well-Adjusted-Healthy-Eating-Trim-and-Fit-Man". That will take some time and it may not even be the moniker I choose for myself, but it's a start. Mr. Hunky Handsome sounds pretty good, though!

I suppose that's enough looking in the mirror for tonight. Hugs to all!

I read this, and then I scrolled back and looked at baby and cranes.

But, I'm back.

Many years ago, I lost 170 lbs down to this weight and then gained it all back. No, there was no wls that time but the experience gives me an inkling of what the regain (and more!) feels like.

So freakin' public. It is my most painful sore spot and I ended up flying it on size 5x pants. One of the docs I worked with even predicted regain....."too bad no one keeps it off for 5 years." The memory of that 30 second conversation is seared on my mind.

I know the pain. I wish I could fix it all.

By the way, did you know people exist that truly aren't bothered by any extra weight, even a lot of extra weight? Those people exist. My own pcp pointed that out to me, decades ago when I was sobbing in office when she brought up my excess weight (about 40 lbs at that time.) I was ever cheerful unless anyone mentioned my weight. She said I should get my emotional response sorted out. I never did.

About labels, I did have a visceral reaction to the name of your blog. For myself, that word looks like running with scissors. I didn't say anything, tho, because I thought that perhaps it was a way to take back power from the word. Now I an thinking that I want you to rename it Hunky Handsome Man, aka HHM. WAHETAFM just doesn't do it for me :)

Lots of hugs to you. Here's to scrambling up the switch backs, enjoy the view along the way. As HHM you have a lot to enjoy. Shel

I knew my comrades would understand my post. Thank you for letting me know how much you truly understand. I have to say that I am very impressed you lost 170 without WLS. DAMN!

As for the blog's name... It had to be. It is a way for me to accept the truth of my self perception and moving beyond it. By naming the blog A Fat Man's Journey I am forced to accept that I have spent so many years of my life using unkind thoughts to identify myself to myself. Calling myself fat has had very negative consequences for me on deep rooted levels - not so much topically. The design of the blog is to help me examine and expose my truth. Thoughts of negativity become so much less powerful when they are expelled from the privacy of my hidden thoughts. I start to see my thinking for what it is and can slowly start to change my narrative.

Hope that makes sense. It's a "touchy feely" approach and still awkward to me. Still developing my comfort level this new work.

Yes, it makes sense.....taking power back from what are just a couple of words. I'm pretty sure that is what my PCP wanted me to do all those years ago....sure wish I would have back in the day. A lot has changed since then, but not nearly enough.

Hey, a little like Harry Potter not being afraid of saying Voldemort. You go, HHM!

Oh, I love hunky handsome man for Devon. He may not think it is his truth, but I think it is (and lots of others do too!).

I too have gained and lost large amounts of weight in the past 100 lbs, 60 lbs., 50 lbs., and 30-40 lbs. countless times. That is what makes this gain so damn scary. It is going on much, much slower, but it is still going on!

Dearest Devon. This post is hard to read. I truly feel your pain. But our looks don't define us. Lets all remember that. DS

Oh, please don't let it upset you. I am really fine. It's just that those feelings live inside. They are always there and, as such, can be driving forces in my daily life. I am happy to know these feelings live inside me. Feelings similar to these have gone unacknowledged for years and only festered. Recognizing these thoughts and feelings gives me the power to work with them and rewrite my truth.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John, 8:32