Saturday, January 13, 2018

Weight 116.8, calories 1002.

I've been thinking about Ann losing Del and reflecting on how to spend quality time with our loved ones. I do believe that terminally ill people choose their time to go once they have been able to say goodbye to those they love. Del had that wonderful visit from his daughter recently and he had probably been saying goodbye to others for the last few weeks. I never understood this until my daughter and then a few years later my mother chose their time and went very peacefully when ready.

One last note on reality. It hit hard with DH in a restroom in the park here. I had to help him clean up both himself and the restroom after he had an accident. This will likely not be the first time. Luckily once he was bathed and everything was washed, it didn't bother him to go back to the location where it happened (I would have been mortified). I guess there is a benefit to a short memory span.

Have a satisfactory Saturday and tell those around you that you love them

Ann has been continuously on my mind too. The intense synergy and bond they clearly shared must be both a comfort and an amplification of the loss. Ann, we hold you tight !

We had 14" of snow, and it is still snowing. Going to live in the moment and find gratitude in every moment.

Weight: 133.0
Macros: Cals - 1,561, carbs - 171, fats - 52, protein - 90, fiber - 24
Veggies/Fruits (goal 8): 5
Sleep (goal 8 hours): 6
Exercise: None

Thank you, my dear friends, for all your sweet messages of support and love. I wanted to post here today because it feels like one of those "one breath at a time" things I need to do.

I learned yesterday that my husband's body is being transported to a research hospital in the Denver area. I'm very happy that his desire to contribute in this way is being fulfilled.

Another blessing is that my sister and her daughter are with me in the evenings. They both know my husband very well, and we are sharing great stories and memories about him.

Yesterday morning was hard, with visits to gathering places where my husband had many friends - his cardio rehab unit, the UPS store where we pick up our mail, and the cancer chemo lounge where his nurses cried with me - those women are true angels on earth. I notified our financial manager of my husband's death, went to the library, the cleaners, and the grocery store. Then I came home, opened the door to an empty house, and completely lost it.

You will understand that yesterday afternoon when it was time for our family fika and crosswords that I felt great grief at the loss of our precious afternoons together. But I decided to try to create a fika for myself, even if a fika alone isn't really a fika. First, I made a coffee and biscotti and then found the courage to attempt a crossword alone. It was a hard one -- the Friday WSJ puzzle. At first, I grieved because our fun always came from doing them together. But as I forged ahead, it magically began to feel like my husband was doing the puzzle with me. I realized I was using not just my strategies but also his to tackle the hard spaces. I found myself talking to him, asking his advice or just kibitzing with him. Eventually I finished the whole thing, although it took nearly two hours. And the big magic is that once I got started it was actually fun. At times I even grinned in triumph.

Finally, because, after all, we are a weight maintenance group, I want you to know that I'm caring well for myself with moderate amounts of nutritious food and lots of water. I will see my therapist on Monday, and I plan to go back to yoga class on Tuesday. Thank you again for all your loving support.

One breath at a time.

Oh Ann, my tears just keep coming. Maybe this all hits just a little too close to home for me. Thank you for continuing to show me how to do it well. I am in awe of your strength and fortitude to press on! I actually thought about you and fika yesterday and am happy to hear that you still participated in one of your daily joys! I'm sure Del was playing with you, whispering hints and strategies the whole time!

I love that Del was helping you to do the crossword. I watch certain shows on TV with/for my daughter Elise. Greys Anatomy premiered right after she died and I knew she'd enjoy it so I have to watch it. I caught up on and watched the remainder of Lost, because she kept telling me it was great.

After Elise died I used to be so happy in the morning after I dreamt of her as I felt like she had visited me. After a few years my dreams were less frequent, but then I had one that I still think about all the time. DH used to call it "FaceBook in Heaven". I dreamt that all our loved ones who had passed away were watching their loved ones from Heaven and they were developing new friendships based on who they were watching. For instance my daughter met both her grandfathers who had predeceased her because they were watching the same people. It still comforts me.

Fika magic. Awesome.

You mentioned that DH was your soulmate. I have a clear memory of you two sitting together in BC, sharing conversation, eyes tethered, as if you could not wait to hear what the other was about to say. Lovely. Or I suppose just love.

Thinking of you today, my friend.

Dearest Ann

We are all so grateful for your friendship and that you feel comfortable in sharing your thoughts here. I have no doubt that Del was helping you with the puzzle and that will continue. I like the concept that the afterlife is sort of like a big facebook in connections, relationships and support.

As a lawyer who did estate work I learned that people grieve in many ways and there is no right or wrong. Some busy themselves with business details to the point that it might seem crass and others are total emotional basket cases. Your activities seem totally healthy and normal and keeping to the routine of puzzles and yoga class and usual activities seems like a good one. And Del was a loving giving person to the end and beyond to be participating in scientific research.

So of course you "lost it" when you walked into an empty house. Your right and privilege. Thank you for sharing Del with all of us and your journey with him. You have a lot of living yet to do and Del will be there with you. Peace and love. Diane S

Ann, so glad you are here today. I also have no doubt that Del was with you while you did the crossword. Sounds like you are taking care of yourself, as well as all of the details that seem so much, but also give us something to do while we figure out how to move forward. So good that your sister and niece are spending time with you. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Mary

Thinking of you! Love, hugs, and strength.

I "stalked" your profile on FB last night. I wanted to see Del, which I did. Additionally, what I saw captured in photos of you and Del showed the connection between you two and touched me deeply. I was struck, too, by the joy you exude in each and every photo. You are a strong lady. You have a power - it's that little something extra, that non-definable something that sets people apart. It's a quiet whisper, something that can't be faked. It's an undetectable beacon that draws people to you. You were blessed with that little something extra. I understand why Del must have been drawn to you.

Love that you did the x word yesterday! What an honoring of Del.