Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Weight 116.6, calories 1032. Day number 2 of good sleep. I think a 10 pm to 6 am schedule (not to exceed 7 am) is best for my sleep. The nights I have had insomnia lately are when I feel tired enough to go to bed earlier but then I wake up again and am awake for hours. It is still a struggle to get DH to go to bed by 8:30-9 pm because he still feels like he should stay up as long as I do. But that would mean he wouldn't get up and function well unless he slept until 10!

I was mulling over our group while reading yesterday's posts. I think we work well because we are honest with each other about what is going on and we share the good as well as the bad. Listening to BB's pregnancy woes and having a nugget to look forward to balances out some of the other stuff going on. New life (human or puppies) always warms our hearts.

Today is socially busy: morning walk with the neighborhood group (whi*****ludes coffee this morning), poolside barbecue for lunch, beginner line dancing in the afternoon and going to a wine and cheese reception honoring a local artist (a friend of ours). And with warmth, maybe a pool visit fit in somewhere.

Have a whippingly good Wednesday!

Atlas slept in, so I had my preferred 9:30 PM through 5 AM. I am definitely a morning person ! I have beef barley soup in the crock pot and am having Powerful Oatmeal (apple cinnamon and banana are both good) I found on Amazon, at 20 g of protein.

I had a strong reaction to a post from yesterday. I once looked at myself as damaged/broken. Well prior to VSG, I spent a week addressing my food addiction at a recovery center in PA, in an intensive residential program called Breakthrough at Caron. I followed up with a year of weekly individual therapy, then two additional years of group therapy. Two of the top layers of my onion were addressing being sexually abused as a child/blaming my mother for not protecting me and viewing myself as damaged/broken.

The team of therapists pinpointed that view and worked intensively with all of us to reframe that to a more affirmational/proactive tape. We all have challenges to circumvent...impediments to identify and negotiate. I firmly believe that I have bruises, scars, and dents but I am not broken. I realized how automatic this reframing to empower myself has become.

Have a reframing and empowering hump day !

That's very interesting information about your therapy experience/outcomes, Diane. Thanks for sharing that.

"I have bruises, scars, and dents but I am not broken". Love this and so true. You have great strength!

Weight: 133.6
Macros: Cals - 1,405, carbs - 162, fats - 37, protein - 95, fiber - 22
Veggies/Fruits (goal 8): 7
Sleep (goal 8 hours): 8
Exercise: Yoga class

Yoga class yesterday was such a treat! Like going back to school after Christmas vacation, something I always loved as a kid.

Yesterday's veggies/fruits came from carrots, lettuces, tomato, bamboo shoots, more greens, and blueberries.

Not ready to say much more about this yet, but in the spirit of Devon's delving deeper this year I want to (1) understand what drives me to stay awake at night and comfort eat and (2) change that behavior. Although it doesn't happen often, it's a continuing issue for me. This is going to be my 2018 winter project, like last winter's project was weaning myself off Ambien -- which was actually my long-time tool to avoid night-time eating. As Devon says, it's time to go deeper. I think I'm ready.

Today's theme: Normal is peaceful.

Liz, I also think that group members' candor about our lives, as well as our maintenance issues, makes this group work so well for me. Good observation.

Hi Guys!

I don't know what today has in store! How delicious!

I've been mulling this article over lately: New York Times Agrees With Devon

Or, at least I see some of Devon's thoughts about treating oneself with compassion. It is comparing peeps who are self-compassionate vs self-confident. Advantages to both but (in my old age) I have come to value self-compassion so much more and that has been my default self at work for a very long time.

My food-self dangerously slips into delusional over-confidence that eventually feathers into an ostrich. But, over the last couple of years (with the help of this board) I am learning compassion in this area, too.

I think that compassion is going to win maintenance.

BB, loved your comments about sexy pregnant. You'll be a sexy mom, too. DianeO, you embody power. DianeS, could you live-stream opening the kiln someday? I want to see! David, go steal that baby and cuddle her. (I loved seeing her in the shop). Cecily, anxiety dreams???? YUCK. ****asionally, I wake up while running down the hallway screaming. Not a good look.)

Go have some fun,

Shel

No anxiety dreams last night thankfully! The night before, I was in a hotel with my dog and I needed to take him out to potty but I couldn't find any poop bags, then I couldn't find a door to the outside and he clearly had to "go", then I realized checkout time was in 15 minutes and I hadn't pottied the dog or packed and I couldn't find my phone in my room. I was pinging it and could hear it, but everytime I thought I pinpointed it, it wasn't there. Full on anxiety. After I woke up, I didn't want to go back to sleep for fear it would start up where it left off!

I really couldn't have a much easier life, so I just manufacture anxiety in my brain. When I have real things to be anxious about like my dad's health it goes through the roof. Ugh.

217. I have not be able to swim out of the breakers ... until now, because I'm getting some help. I have been getting pummeled lately, but I keep on swimming. My friend asked me to go with her and friends to Key West. She has a place for us to stay. I kept saying no, I can't go. She heard I cannot afford to go, so she paid for my airfare. My family and friends have been asked for help if it is needed while I'm gone, and I leave tomorrow night. Technically, I'm going to my friend's house tonight and we leave early tomorrow. I'm excited, scared but mostly happy. I'll be back Tuesday. My son is stable and set with supplies. My daughter was sick yesterday but feeling better today. Everything is squared away with work, so I can feel myself starting to relax already.

The best part of this trip is spending time with my friend and friends I haven't met yet. They are marathon runners and there's a big marathon this weekend. (I signed up for the 5K.) Spending time with my plant-based, whole food vegan health fanatic is always good for me physically and emotionally. I am hoping to set myself right and start flying right again. My friend is aware of my struggles and has been nothing but supportive as I beat myself up, so there's no fear of her being horrified by my regain. I need to see myself as she sees me, then I will know that I can do it.

When I get home, I am going to have to make time for some intensive therapy, because I definitely need it, as well as formal exercise. There are many layers to my onion that I have been afraid to peel, but they are obviously still hurting me so it has to be done.

So excited for your trip, enjoy every moment. I'm not surprised that you have the kind of friends that rally around you.