Tuesday January 2, 2018

Weight 116.4, calories 989. Weight from NYE eating back down thank goodness.

Good morning to my online family! I never thought we could get to know people so well online (better than in person I think). At least for some of us, it is easier to open up and discuss how we feel in writing. It is hard for me to ever open up about feelings as from an early age I have always tried to hold the bad stuff in and only show the optimistic "can do" me. I feel guilty about showing angry or sadness, so I try not to talk about anything that brings them out. Probably partly because I am an adult child of an alcoholic or maybe because it is how I have best dealt with tragedies in my life. I am always the "strong" one.

So... It is good that we can be honest here. I just read Devon's latest blog. I wish I had him for a teacher. His descriptions of his experiences growing up and how they formed him brought tears to my eyes. I've seen that picture in West Side story, so body dysmorphia at a really young age obviously happens. I related to the no junk food in the house so that when we found it elsewhere we fell in love with the sugar. We had no bread with meals and no desserts in the house either.

So here's one I haven't admitted to anyone but has been percolating in my brain lately. I'm angry that DH has Alzheimer's. This isn't how I planned retirement. I'm trying to make the best of it, but this isn't what we planned. So I'm sure that is part of my impatience with him. But when I think about that feeling, I feel guilty. I remember when DD was told her cancer was terminal, she said "but that isn't on the plan".

So, now to change the subject: We are going to central Massachusetts to visit with DD today (the one with the broken leg who left early on Christmas which so peeved me). Btw, I probably should have told her in advance that it bothered me, but of course I didn't want to say anything (though she could tell that morning that I was upset). Regardless, we are going to make the 3 hour round trip today to see her before we leave for Florida. DH is looking forward to it.

Speaking of DH, he is avoiding games right now after the Parcheesi fiasco, so I'll wait until Florida to try again. He was having a hard time communicating the other day and said that it was like trying to play one of those games. I think he meant frustrating and not fun (the opposite of what a game should be).

Have a thoroughly good Tuesday!

Oh, Liz! I understand.

Me three! I'm more sad then angry at this point but losing my husband so early certainly wasn't in the plan - I always thought I would go first!

Weight: 135.2
Macros: cals - 1,979, carbs - 179, fats - 57, protein 119, fiber 17
Veggies/Fruits (goal 8): 7
Sleep (goal 8 hours): 7
Exercise: None

Boy, is it time for a new year! From last Friday morning until Sunday evening I pretty much "checked out." I didn't plan or track my food on MFP, and I ate anything it occurred to me to eat - and that included a LOT of sweets. I'm guessing that on Saturday I ate 4,000 calories. And I didn't weigh on Saturday or Sunday mornings.

Yesterday's foods, although not ideal, were at least in the "I can bear to track it all" range.

This out-of-control behavior has really disturbed me. The triggers were obvious: Lots of sugary foods in the house for over a week. I was housebound by holiday company and cold weather (temps have been below freezing since before Christmas). My exercise has been much less than usual -- the pool has been closed the last two Mondays, and our yoga class is on hiatus for two weeks. And, of course, hubby's chemo effects have their "contact contagion" effects on me, too.

Today is a post-holiday house-cleaning and laundry day - I feel a tremendous need to "get back to normal."

Today's theme: Back to basics.

I discovered that drinking wine often leads to overeating stuff I shouldn't. I don't have a lot, but even one glass apparently opens the door. Arghh...

I have to be vigilant about that. When I have one glass when out to dinner, I seem to be okay because the effect is gone by the time I get home. It is when I am at home that it can be dangerous.

Liz, happily, one glass of wine (my daily limit) doesn't have that effect on me. Eating sugary foods is what opens the door to more sugary foods for me. Put another way, abusing my specific drug begets more of my specific drug abuse.

Also, night eating (when I'm up late alone) is the setting in which I'm drawn to eat sugary foods. For me, there's something about eating alone that is simultaneously comforting and upsetting.

Devon, I just read your latest blog post at https://www.afatmansjourney.net/blank-1/2018/01/01/A-little- Whos-Who and it's really speaking to me. Of course, our histories aren't the same, but some of your themes of lifelong dieting, wrestling with my weight, wishing to be, if not perfect, then more perfect make me want to keep turning the pages of your life. Thank you for your blog! :)

Liz, strong women hold it all in and do lead the positive CAN DO cheer ! I can so relate and am SO PROUD of you for your honesty and vulnerability.

134 today... back in my range. Making a spaghetti squash, turkey kielbasa, parmesan casserole for dinner. Ann, for you, I'm adding onion, spinach and mushroom to up the veggie count by three ! Last night's white chicken chili was more like a hearty soup. In the olden days, I would have added a roux but the thought of those wasted calories and the extra bulk for my stomach just doesn't sound good.

My impetus for today : Observe, learn, apply (H) OLA

Welcome to Tuesday!

I pooped for all of you! Your welcome! I like to think that little Bella also benefited.

As you can imagine, I feel pretty peppy.

About Ann being a bus driver: having seen her IRL, I imagine think she is more Jedi than bus driver. I suspect peeps don't realize that someone else is driving until a day or two later and they think "WTF?"

Liz, I would be angry, too. I fear that I AM going to be angry as I watch DH sit and watch hours of TV every day. (Wait, I might already be a little angry!)

Devon, I always thought I understood how much you enjoyed being so physically able in the gym. I totally understand the sheer delight. But, now I see how much more special it is to you, having been limited as a kiddo. Also, your desire to be long and lean makes resonates differently, now, too.

BB, sorry about the Sooners.

Back to Basics! Hug that skinny supah tight!

Shel

LOL! Me, Jedi? That's gotta be performance-art skilz.

However, this much is true:

Yoda rules. (Last week I used quoted his Do or do not, there is no try.)