Thursday December 21, 2017

Weight 116, calories 1206. Hard to believe that there is only 4 days to Christmas! Because I've been a homebody post-op it feels likes Christmas is sneaking up.

I'm up early (6 am) because I'm going to go get my stitches removed this morning. I think I'm going to brave the stores to do some food errands afterwards. Most of the bruising is gone now - makeup can hide the remainder. There is still some swelling around my eye, especially underneath, but no one that doesn't know me would realize it. Tomorrow I take DH into Boston for his clinical trial appointment and to pick up one DD. I'm going to wear full makeup for the first time (hopefully I won't look too bad).

i moved Chiquita's bed next to the couch so her presence is closer. I had tried to put her bed where Duchess used to be (in front of the fireplace), but it bothered DS. He is okay with the current placement and it allows me to pet her when she wakes up to change position. I miss Duchess most right now, first thing in the morning when I sit in the sunroom with my coffee. She was always with me sleeping in front oF the fire or watching the kids walk to school.

Have a terrific Thursday!

Weight: 132.2
Macros: Cals - 1,558, Carbs - 187, Fats - 43, Protein - 97, Fiber - 25
Veggies/Fruits (goal 8): 6
Sleep (goal 8 hours): 7
Exercise: Aquarobics class, rehab exercises, country walk

Liz, I'm glad you're feeling better. And yes - it's wild that Christmas will be here so soon. I also have so many preparations yet to finish! We'll get there. :)

Glad to hear from everyone and about what's whirling in your universes now. Joey, welcome back.

Next, thank you guys for your support of hubby and me. I appreciate it tremendously. Yesterday was a good day for hubby and for me. He felt much better after some morning hydration at the chemo lounge.

My morning rehab session with the PT was also very interesting and helpful. Turns out, after a lifetime of knee injuries and being overweight and, recently, losing 100 pounds, I should change how I carry / hold / move my body. Short story - I stand and move with a bit of a swayback, tits-out, on-my-toes position (a not-uncommon stance for women, eh?), which puts extra strain on my grads and knees and weakens my hamstrings (also bad for my knees). Apparently, I also need to breathe more from my diaphragm than I'm doing, but don't we all? :)

The PT gave me some daily exercises to follow for the next week, and I'm sure more exercises will follow. Happily, none of his insights and recommendations conflict with my other exercise and classes. I'm treating this new perspective as a mindfulness regimen. It also aligns with my three-month self-care assignment from my therapist, so I'm happy about that.

Last night in bed, I broached with hubby the topic of my feelings about living without him, of missing him enormously, not having him to play with and being lonely. That's what our lives together have been about - being teammates, playing together, working toward common aims, having adventures together, sharing.

He said he understands how I feel because ever since we met he has always feared being without me. BTW, I'm not sure I've shared with you guys yet that before he and I met his second wife died of melanoma. For the last year of her life he was her daily/nightly caregiver while working full-time until the last two months of her life. So he arrives at this place with some pretty brutal experience and memories that inform his perspective.

He reiterated that he prefers to deal with his cancer "a day at a time" and, like BB's husband, is a "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" kind of guy. Still, he isn't disinterested in talking about his feelings and is definitely available to listen about mine. It's weird how I thought he was going to be resistive to this conversation, when it was me who was afraid to cross that threshold. Classic, eh?

This morning I feel even more in-the-moment after last night's conversation. I don't plan to wallow in my moment-to-moment feelings. But I feel like the door to that room is now open, and we can now go in there whenever we wish instead of fearing what's inside. And yes, my therapist is a very smart guy. :)

Now back to other life. Very happy to see my weight back down to the 132 level. These days I much prefer the 131-132 range. Yesterday's V/Fs were carrots, tomatoes, spring greens, broccoli, water chestnuts, more carrots, and mango.

Last night's sleep was better than the previous night's, thanks to my knee feeling better. I had two hours of sleep in bed, then an hour dozing in my recliner, then back to bed for four more hours of sleep.

Today it's yoga class (last one of the year -- we'll have a two-week holiday hiatus) and another country walk, LOTS of grocery shopping, car oil change, and tonight a book club meeting.

Today's Theme: Open up the doors to those closed rooms.

It sounds like you and DH had a successful conversation last night. It's definitely worth exploring. But I also understand not wanting to wallow in it, especially with limited time. Perhaps these awkward conversations are an investment in a better, fuller, "in the moment" time where you don't have something festering.

Weight: 180.6 but I definitely feel bloated right now

Doctor's office weight was 181, and last time it was 174.8 (but they rounded down to 174). So essentially 6lbs. in 5 weeks. Not bad, but this does already put me around 24/25 and in the range of total expected weight gain! Which made me wonder, do we care more about total weight gain in pregnancy, or WHEN. In other words, say I were able to limit my weight gain to 5lbs. for the duration of the pregnancy (I've heard that sometimes this isn't possible anyway!!). Or even not gain weight. Is that BAD? I clearly have some fat stores. I probably won't do much differently but I have totally not been active, and I've been really overindulging in sweets. What if I tried to eat healthily and exercise again over the next few months. Would it be bad if that means I don't put on a pound a week? Weird thing was when I looked at my patient notes, they'd written down 176 as my weight. Which both delights and terrifies me because next time I'll look as though I've gained way too much for 2 weeks.

Got the rest of the step kids shopping done!

DH's brother opened his gift (naughty) and didn't even call. Currently feeling a little agitated by that! I remembered him being ungrateful and kind of a "so what, we got it" attitude last year as well. This is so different from my family! Who would try very hard not to open a gift early, and who would almost (embarrassingly) praise you for a can of olives! I guess this goes back to Kairk's point about giving without an expectation of receiving--in this case I simply wanted some excitement or thanks! But I cannot dictate that. Wonder where that leaves us for next year?

Open up those doors ! Good for you, Ann ! I tend to ignore / avoid difficult and potentially painful situations in my personal life. When I was wearing my big girl pants as a career woman, making myself go there was part of my job and came with the thick skin and emotional armor. Emotional armor isn't productive in intimate relationships. Just another example of behaviors/beliefs that served me well as defense mechanisms when I was morbidly obese, but block me from reaching my potential now. Placing your hand on the knob is an acceptable start ! Ann, how wonderful that your husband loves and respects you enough to meld both of your needs !!

135.5 today. Liz, I feel a bit guilty sharing puppy joy when you are coming to terms with the loss of Dutchess. Isn't it interesting how loss impacts us all differently.. animals and grown children too.

The holidays are hard for me, since I left my 27 year marriage ten years ago. I pushed through a miserable situation until my daughters were 18 and 20, as it was important to me that they grow up with two parents. My ex was emotionally unavailable and verbally passive aggressive with me. I always tried to overcompensate for his deficits with the girls... he wasn't very engaged in their lives. As the marriage was coming to an end, the writing was on the wall that the aspects of his personality that made him impossible for me to live with, would eventually cost him his job as a chemist. He was building a second career as a sound recording engineer and our basement was full of hundreds of thousands of dollars of recording and mastering equipment etc. Because I anticipated he would be fired, I decided to leave the home so he could support himself. My decision was really difficult on the girls... especially my youngest. As they grew up, I never expressed to them how miserable I was and why. I did a pretty good job of making our home seem safe and normal. Two months after I left, he was fired. My youngest felt so sorry for him. Both girls had to come to terms with his shortcomings without me there as a diffuser/buffer. Because they were both in college, when they had holidays and breaks, they wanted/needed their childhood home and used that as a home base. He worked hard to make me out as the selfish bad guy who broke up our family unit, and did everything he could to garner their sympathy. My oldest figured it out fast... my youngest knew intellectually but there was a significant rift there for quite a while. When I remained near the family home, it was easy for them to spend lots of time with me. It was always important for them to sleep in their beds Christmas Eve, and wake up there Christmas morning. They used to spend Christmas Eve day and evening with me, they go home to sleep. I'm now 3.5 hours away. Meeting them in Syracuse (two hours away for all of us) Saturday, to spend the day with them and my mom. Growing up is hard.

No need to feel guilty about puppy love - it gives me a warm feeling. Just as hearing about new babies feels good even while others are nearing or passed end of life. It is a reassurance of renewal I guess... A promise for the future?

You have been through a lot with your ex and daughters. It reminds me of my DSD. Her mother undermined us whenever possible making her father (my DH) out to be the bad guy, even to the point of saying that she had left him because he hit DSD (not true - I don't think he has ever hit anyone). About 18 months ago, this woman accused DSD of giving her stepfather the middle finger at her sisters wedding wedding (not true) and has not spoken to her own daughter (my DSD) or her son since then. Blows my mind! But DSD has become very close which has been wonderful for both DH and me.

I am still new to this stepmom thing, and things only started to turn around a year or two ago, but it is my experience/impression that eventually you do reap what you sow. Things got VERY nasty between DH and his ex, mostly her using the kids as pawns. Initially he had full custody of the kids, but ultimately we let DSD go live with her mom. We thought it was the worst possible move at the time. But she learned her mom's true ways. Her mom is...very manipulative (and that's me trying to put it nicely!). It's such a relief now that the kids are both over 18 and child support is done that we have very little-no contact with ex. When they were younger sometimes DH had to walk a fine line between never saying anything ill about their mother, but also having to correct some of her damaging "wisdom." Now the steps are old enough to see through it. It's sad but it's reality. I've only been with DH for 6 1/2 years, but that's been the most formative time for my DSD. And I never would've guessed it but I think in some ways having been through hell with her a few years ago forged a much stronger relationship than would've existed otherwise. She realized *****ally had her best interest at heart. I have to remind myself of this and also tell this to other friends who are going through blended familiies: don't let others' actions dictate your own. (Wow I think we're still going along with Devon's theme!) That is so so SO hard when dealing with exes who play dirty and kids who maybe can't see past immediate gratification. But being above the fray does pay off in spades and I think they're always watching.

Anyway I know your kids are older and it sounds like everything has calmed down. Just wanted to give you a high five for being the better person. Even when it's hard. You're doing it for them out of that selflessness and I'm sure they recognize and appreciate it.

Wow.... just wow. So much there to chew and digest. I don't wonder about why the holidays could present emotional stress for you.

Was thinking about Atlas, and if you are up for some unsolicited advice, let me know. He's coming up on a very tenuous period in his emotional development between 8-10 weeks. There are some things I think are important for you to know - especially since you want him to work in some capacity as an adult. This two week period is why I do not let my puppies go to new homes until they are 10 weeks old - unless I know the new owners very, very well and they have lots of experience with puppies. That said, 5 of my pups went to homes I knew very well - including two breeders. I still kept those pups until they were 10 weeks old!

We can pm or text, or talk.... I love puppies and talking about their development.

YES, PLEASE ?????ð?'

With a puppy somewhere in my future anything you wanted to share would be very welcome!