Thursday September 21

Weight 115.25, calories 710.

Deep thinking the last few days. I was always good at deep-thinking and solving problems at work, but not as much in my personal life. I remember someone once saying that most people could only excel at 2 spheres of their life at most. In other words, if your major spheres are work, home, church and community, most people can only function at a high level in one to two of them. I always felt that I could excel at work, but didn't have as much energy in the other 3 because of that. Another thing that came to mind is that I avoid conscious deep thinking about emotional issues, which I think is how I developed a fairly optimistic "survivor" mentality. We all have tragedies of various types in our history or that we are dealing with currently. I had some tough stuff during my teens and I think it made me learn to cope with life the way I do. When my daughter was dying, she was so strong but partly because she didn't fully admit what was coming. She wasn't truly in denial, but she wouldn't think or talk about it unless she had to. I think she learned that from me: if something is too difficult to deal with emotionally, pu**** down and don't think about it. Which brings me to food, because I think this made me use eating for comfort when I had too much stuff "pushed down". And by the way, my daughter was obese as well because she did the same thing. Sometimes I think I am stronger now: I've lived through the worst (my daughter's death) and I am coping with DH illness and feel prepared for the fiputure. But am I??? OR am I "doing great now, but I'm only one car accident or a biopsy away from fuckdom!"?

Weight: 131.8
Macros: Cals - 1,690, Carbs - 174, Fat - 59, Protein - 95, Fiber - 21
Veggies/Fruits (goal 8): 9
Sleep (goal 8 hrs.): 7
Exercise: Aquarobics class

Oh, Liz! Even when life is easy, it's never all easy. And likewise, it's never all tough. I so appreciate your thoughts about how we excel and survive. Very often I feel like Scarlett: "After all, tomorrow is another day."

On the tough front ... while we were in Vancouver hubby found a lump on his chest. He's since had imaging done, and tomorrow morning he will have a biopsy. I haven't mentioned it here (and he and I don't dwell on it) because, as Shel's grandmother advised, "Don't borrow trouble."

On the easy front ... yesterday I actually had 9 veggies and fruits, thanks to the world's best cantaloupe, zucchini, lots of salad veggies, and some amazing red grapes. I'm pretty sure that 9 V/Fs is my physical limit. Am considering having another grilled Portobello/feta cheese/sweet peppers sandwich for lunch today.

This afternoon is my book club meeting at the public library, so I'm reading my ass off trying to finish the damn book before then (yes, I'm one of those retired people still trying to get straight As). Happily, the book is excellent: Made in the U.S.A. by Billie Letts, 2008.

Today's theme (thanks to a dear friend's now-passed godmother): "Life is full of a number of things."

Awwww, really enjoyed your thoughtful posts today Liz and Ann. So much wisdom!

143.8 for me this morning. Still lots of pressure in my head from the cold. Slept (or at least was in bed) for 12 hours!!!!

I put in about a 10 hour day at work yesterday, mostly doing computer simulated education of Advanced Cardiac Life Support. I need to get re-certified every two years, so this will be my 12th certification but the first that needed to be done via computer simulation. It sucks! It is beyond me why they feel this is a better way to learn emergency skills. I don't use a mouse and computer screen when someone codes in my department now do I? The bad part is, I didn't even complete it after 10 hours. Still need to complete 2 more scenarios and do hands on with a dummy that is attached to a computer.

What I learned from my most recent CPR re-cert is that I should be the last person to take care of a choking baby.

Weight: 160.8 I think

My 3rd appointment is tomorrow. I'm curious what my weight will be. Let's just assume it's 162 on my scale tomorrow, that means up 2lbs. in a month, which I'm sure at this stage is perfectly fine (although 9lbs. over all would be a tad heavy). I may be overthinking this a bit when illness weightloss got me somewhat excited. Yikes.

Starting to feel a bit more normal today. It's amazing how feeling sick can also make you feel depressed. Plus the constant state of dirtiness of my house has had me pretty out of sorts. Luckily everything is starting to come together. I got to bed early yesterday and woke up today feeling like I could maybe enjoy food and activities again in the near future :) And the floor guys (Two! TWO!!!) were there before 8am this morning! And we finally have matching tile to finish up. Unfortunately it may not all get sealed (and it has to get done and have a good drying period beforehand****il the end of the weekend. So my dreams of cleaning and decorating may be postponed. BUT there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I really need to learn to not sweat the small stuff.

Speaking of fuckdom, I had my 8+ year oncology follow up yesterday. I both love and hate floor 2 at the hospital. Wonderful people but scary world. Fortunately, I am on the other side of fuckdom currently, and I am grateful. Ann, positive vibes to you and DH.

I love my current oncologist but it took a few years for me to warm up. First of all, she is a woman and there is just a different vibe to the appointment that has been extremely positive from a body positive standpoint. For example, during my chest exam, she grabbed some extra skin on my sides/back that was created from the double mastectomy. She jiggles it and says "Lets get you to plastic surgery to pretty this up. How annoying!" And she is right, it IS annoying AND it would likely be covered by insurance because it is related to breast cancer.

It turns out our hospital has a new plastic surgeon who did his fellowship under a guy that also specialized in opening up lymph tracks and he might have insight to my flappy skin/lymphedema arm, too. I expressed doubt that surgery could help my LE but the oncologist has a patient who did very well after that surgery. So.....I thought I was done with surgeries but my interest is certainly peaked.

It occurred to me that a male oncologist could have never have been that.....oh, I don't know....flippant? about my body and the assumption that we should "pretty this up." (And I can't imagine those male oncologists JIGGLYING my jello!) She knew that I had plastic surgery post wls so so maybe she felt safe being flippant. BB, this made me think about that plastic surgeon's comment to you about not wanting to look like you had a mastectomy. I still think that was different.

Too much about me personally today. Thanks for being here. Dog gone it, I like all of you!

Shel

PS, Paula, glad DH is finally free of that tube!

I'm totally a fan of plastic surgery to make someone feel better about themselves. Especially if it's a negative reminder.

what I'm not a fan of is plastic surgery being used to make people conform to one person's ideal body image or shame those who do not agree with the stereotypical "perfect" body.

Jeez Shel, skin jiggling? Really? A man would get so blasted for doing that. Well check into the reconstruction. I've heard its a pretty big deal but what do I know. At least consider it for winter when hiking is less available, dog gone it! Diane S

It was a quick jiggle, over in a flash, but if she were a man I would have felt much differently for sure! In her defense, she has to feel me up (so to speak) as part of the physical exam. If my cancer recurs, it is likely to feel like sand grains or rice grains within the skin. But, that jiggle was not part of grains-of-sand check.

This reconstruction would just be removal of the skin flaps (I have heard them called dog ears) at the very back corner of incisions. Pretty superficial, I think. So, not the big whopping reconstruction that most think about after breast surgery where breasts are recreated. I have zero interest in that. Too much work to recover and I am not a good candidate and would most likely have complications. Ain't got time for that.

Well that makes more sense Shel. Dog Ears. I have them from my weight loss even though I have never had breast cancer. Just these flaps that hang over bra and such. And my waist and probably in places I can't see. I am a dog with about 10 dog ears! Tee hee. Diane S