Thursday July 27

Happy Thursday! Weight 116, calories 887. We are going out to eat with neighbors to DS's restaurant tonight so calories will likely be much higher today.

I'm so glad that this is my last workday this week - each week gets closer to retirement. Yesterday I had to deal with what appears to be malicious vandalism of one of my direct reports desks (we think that a co-worker's young daughter did it when in with her mother off hours but can't prove it). This morning we find out the final "slotting" of the people working for me and figure the appropriate job title for whoever remains (they are phasing out the old one). In addition, I have to be able to go through all the currently active projects for everyone in my group, time spent on them and remaining capacity (how much do you bet that they all say 0%)? Not fun!

I'll be praying for Ben today that all goes well.

Morning all. And all the best for the surgery Ben.

David your projects are so interesting and having two grandchildren soon is wonderful.

a great day food and exercise.

Have a good one!

First, positive thoughts and energy for Paula and Ben. I have to catch up with and respond to everyone else's posts for the last few days. Packing for an entire household move, then unpacking and organizing are always a challenge. I'd rather be doing that than making work world decisions impacting people's lives.

I'm waiting for the movers to arrive with everything I own, which they packed yesterday. FUN ! I did my best to purge as I packed.... more work clothes, jewelry, shoes, stockings I'm just not going to need. Combining two households into one, I know we're going to have to get rid of a lot more. The good news is, I don't have tome to eat ! Making time to drink.

Again, you all mean so much to me. Thank God for this safe place !!!

206.4. "Praying like hell" for all here who need prayers. A favorite client who is elderly and infirmed said that she would be "praying like hell" to feel up to going to an event I invited her to for this weekend. I love it so much and plan to use it often.

My annual review was this morning. Despite a glowing review from my boss, who let me read it, I got a stern talking to about my attendance issues. I did not laugh or cry as I had prepared myself for this. The written memo says that while they are giving me a small cost of living adjustment, the amount is less than in past years due to my attendance issues that have been discussed in several meetings, in addition to my annual review meeting today. They will continue to work with me under the cir****tances, but they need me to make every effort to be at work, on time, on a regular basis. I did tell her that I left my daughter at the hospital whimpering in pain so that I could get to work on time... but really on my death bed, which will I regret? being late to work or leaving my daughter alone, in pain and scared?

I already regret these decisions even though I need my job. Or do I? I could sell my stupid house, sell whatever I do not need to survive and live a better life. I watched the documentary, "The Minimalists" on Netflix and may re-think my so-called life.

Gosh Joey, how Draconian are these people. I am praying like hell for some peace and comfort for you. diane s

Can't you get on some kind of FML (Family Medical Leave)? One of my people has had one for years and she is allowed to take paid or unpaid time off without prior approval at any time (subject to a maximum in a year). She has 2 kids with ADHD issues (both teens) and is a single parent.

We have also had situations where someone has had a sick family member but they didn't have an FML where a lot of leeway was provided until the situation changed.

Greetings Safe People

136 today. Off in a few minutes for a mammogram - routine. I insist on doing it annually as I have lost more than one friend to the disease. My mother survived it years ago only to later get Parkinsen's.

Liz I have always wondered if anyone considers the human cost of all the reorganizing. It can be such a waste of time plus stressful. I still have dreams about winding up my law practice to pass it on. My old law firm was always coming up with new things to save money but it was at the expense of the most valuable resource - the time of the professionals. At least it will make you glad to retire.

Diane O I can't imagine moving but sounds like you are full steam ahead. I guess its good to move every so often just to purge. Panty hose have not touched me in about 15 years.

Hey Devon, we need a puppy fix. And Dave we need a bee fix.

Sending good vibes to Paula and Ben.

Diane S

Hi guys!

Boy, oh boy... puppy life on Prozac is a whole new and wondrous experience. Quite different on the stress level. I'm sure that the Vyvanse is helping, too. The calm and peace of mind is keeping the need to grab drive by bites and put food in my mouth for stress relief at bay. My weight continues to slowly drop by tenths. Every step in the right direction is a positive step in my book - especially given the cir****tances of a house full of puppies and my usual stress level surrounding a new litter.

My eating still is not as "healthy" as I would like it to be, but I can only concentrate on so many things at a time and maintain a sense of serenity and keep my wits about me. For dinner I find myself drawn to sandwiches because they are easy. I eat only a half, which is reasonable, but the bread takes away any room for fruit or vegetables. During the day I mostly want yogurt or protein shakes. I don't have much appetite. Late night I am still wanting ice cream and right now, I'm allowing a dish because it's getting me through and it does fulfill the a need for emotional soothing. Which....

...brings me to something I feel like addressing today. Reading Joey's posts, Ann's, Shel's, BB's and a few others lately made me thing about eating and our obsession with foods, macros, portions, etc....

I am learning that weight is naturally flexible and that eating style for most people is fluid rather than static. Those of us with obesity, just as those with any other socially detrimental illness (drug abuse, alcoholism, visible skin disorders, physical deformities, etc...) learn to view our illness/disability/addiction through very negative lenses. We become terribly unforgiving of ourselves and judgmental about even the smallest of transgressions. If you know anyone in early drug or alcohol recovery, you might notice even the smallest social transgression or unkindness towards someone can trigger a very heightened negative reaction on the addict's part. It's hard to understand, from the outside, until you think about how we can beat ourselves up for eating a fu*&ing ritz cracker or a handful of M&Ms.

I've heard it all... the slippery slope, etc... I get it and I actually believe there is a slippery slope, especially in early maintenance. Hey, I've slid right down that slope and ended back in obesity more than once and post VSG. However, if I had understood my illness/condition to the depth I do now when I had my VSG, I think I could have easily avoided that slide. But, that is water under the bridge and in the past and frankly, I don't give a puppy poop about gaining the weight anymore. It's done. A waste of time to deal with regret when I have a whole future to create...

That said, you have to find your path. You can start on someone else's path. Actually, I'd recommend following a successful someone else's path to start. Eventually though, you must start down the path that's going to work for you long term. When eating stops being natural and has to be continually forced in a direction that is unsustainable, something is wrong. I can not go super low carb for very long. I just don't like it. I used to be upset that I wasn't a happy camper eating meats and vegetables. It finally occurred to me that, Hell, if I had liked meat and vegetables to begin with, I probably wouldn't be obese! But, I'm not that person. I'm a meat and potato type of guy. I like BEEF and starches and fats and sweets and fruit. You'll notice there is no fish or kale on my list of Yum-yum foods. If I never ate another piece of fish, I wouldn't care. Asparagus, squash, tomatoes could disappear from planet Earth and I would be unfazed. Unfortunate? Perhaps. But, it's my truth. So....

I have to make my truth work for me. I have to make sure trigger foods are dealt with in a positive way, which means NOT abstinence, but rather careful inclusion. On a daily basis, I am learning that I need to eat the foods that are both physically and EMOTIONALLY satisfying. I am an emotional eater. That will NEVER EVER change. It is part of my inner self. Until I began to abuse food, emotional eating served me well. It can still serve me well, if I allow it to and I don't abuse it.

There are sure fire ways to lose weight. We know that. But there are no sure fire ways to maintain an ideal weight. Maintenance is highly individual. It takes a great deal of trial and error, commitment, self forgiveness and understanding to make the long term changes we need to make to allow the marvelous people we are underneath our masks of obesity shine through.

I am highly skilled at self deprecation and demeaning myself over my weight. I am a master at internal self ridicule. For 40 years or so I honed those skills all to find out they didn't do a damn thing to help me get thin. Today I embrace my weight, my eating and my food choices because I'm feeling pretty damn happy with who I am. I am not my weight. Go figure. Who knew, right? (Yes, I know easy to say when I'm living the Better Through Chemistry life, but I've done a lot of therapy work along with addition of chemical intervention.)

I think the one thing that we all need for successful maintenance is to let go of our preconceived "shoulds" about eating. More than anyone on this earth, those of us with disordered eating have a library of nutritional information at our finger tips, stored in memory. Use your solid foundation of nutrition as a guide, but not a rule book. Above all else, you must stop "shoulding" all over yourself. Love and accept your fat brain and all you've been through together. That fat brain is the same brain that's going to keep you thin, if you let it!

Wow, Devon. I'll be reading this again more than once. Thank you for sharing your ongoing epiphanies about your relationship(s) with food. So much good "food for thought" there.

Thank you again.