Thursday June 8

Weight 114, calories 868. The CAMAW challenge on the RNY forum is working! I am going on vacation with a buffer (and withdrawn from carbs). That was the goal!

2 more days until warmth (though the sun came out yesterday and is out today). Most of DH appointments are done, so now it is just getting work sort of under control and packing. Can't wait!

Happy Thursday!

Liz....very excited for you.

cumulative walking 2 1/2 hours and food was excellent.

am echoing the 'have a Happy Thursday '

I had some weird feels yesterday. This is going to sound pretty dumb, but it started with the retirement of our head football coach. He's been here for 18 years and is a bit of an institution. I do remember a time before him, but not a lot. I hate change. But it's the only thing we can count on. I need to get over that. Anyway, that coupled with my second childhood pet dying (she's 16) and a two of my parents' friends parents died on the same day two weeks ago--I guess it's just all a reminder that time is passing and things are changing.

Food was definitely not diety yesterday. It might be just good enough not to cause a gain:

B: 3/4 English muffin, scrambled egg, 1 turkey sausage link, coffee

L: 2 chicken strips, 1 piece garlic toast

S: banana cinnamon muffin

D: DSD picked up Chinese food and I did the worst of all--orange chicken!! But omg it was so good. I've missed that.

2 1/2 glasses of wine. Too much. Do you feel that sometimes alcohol affects you more? It did me last night. I had a buzz after 2 glasses of wine

Weight was 153.2--we'll see if the wine dragged it down.

One more point about implants. I'm all for people doing what they need to feel good about themselves. I am certainly in no position to say no to cosmetic procedures. I even consider my WLS to be primarily cosmetic--at least at the time. I will say that experience has taught me that it's important to know they won't fix everything--especially if you have low confidence. That said, what has shocked me is the negativity I've received towards wanting to NOT have implants anymore. Every. Single. Surgeon. I've consulted with has tried hard to sell me on yet another surgery, telling me how bad the results could be and that I would be flat again (duh!). Same thing when I look up questions on realself. I guess it saddens me that we are at a point where it's pretty much unacceptable to not have fixed fake boobs if you can afford it?! I guess what I'm saying is I will feel more fixed when they are out than now. My fourth surgery in less years will be my last. I've had too many complications and too much money and they are the source of pain and sadness for me. I just wish people were as encouraging about natural as fake.

About implants, and I apologize for the length. I honestly can't remember if I have posted about this before.

Several years ago I made a choice not to have reconstructive surgery post double mastectomy for breast cancer. All of my health care providers assumed I would have it done eventually, if not immediately.

There were two reasons I didn't. One was that I knew lots of people that had breast surgery, both reconstructive and cosmetic. Between the pre-surgery appts/procedures and post surgery infections, they all missed a significant amount of work. After a year of tough treatment, I was simply done with the whole concept of breasts. I just.didn't.care.

The other was that I was MO and I was ever hopeful I would lose the weight. I didn't want the surgery before that happened.

Not only did I not have the surgery, I didn't get fake boobs (silicone inserts that slip into a bra****il I had lost most of my weight post VSG.

I am now comfortable wearing my fake boobs (clothes fit better and I conform to "norms,") or, going flat (easier in every other way.)

One set of boobs is my "active" boobs (yes, there is such a thing) and when I got them I thought it was so important to wear for yoga, etc because I look particularly flat in active tops. Ultimately, I got tired of the fake lumps when active. Now, when active, I go flat tho I do wear a 55 dollar sport bra underneath whose only function is to cover scars should my top shift. The sports bra also helps create the illusion of boobs without the hassle.

About societal norms......even at Nordstroms (my medical provider for both fake boobs and modified bras,) bigger boobs are encouraged for "balance." I have already gotten a second set that are smaller that the first set and even then my tops are typically medium where all of my pants are smalls. That is not balanced. That is big boobs. When I am due for the next set, I'll size down further.

I didn't realize how unusual going flat after cancer treatment is until it was on the front page of the New York Times earlier this year. Apparently, going flat is trending for very similar reasons that both you and I have mentioned.

Like you, I have ZERO issue with anyone that wants to go with breast surgery for any reason. But, it is a bit of craziness that society EXPECTS a medical surgery for fake lumps.

I am almost done with this, but two last things. My VSG surgeon who is in her early 50's (like me) told me that she also wears inserts even tho she has never had a breast surgery -- they are just to make clothes look better. She gets hers at Victoria Secret. So, there's an option for you should you have your current implants removed. My inserts are comfortable, just not as comfortable as going without.

And, for people like me (or, I suppose anyone) pretty tattoos are an option. Check out this if post mastectomy pics aren't too disturbing: edited (hopefully better link) tattoo post mastecomy This is the work of a local woman. My oncologist recommends her highly.

Best wishes in your quest for bopo. Being comfortable in your own skin is worth the quest.

THANK YOU so much for your lengthy and thoughtful and candid post. I think you had mentioned that but not as in-depth.

I guess I'm glad and sad that you've experienced the same thing. One of the surgeons I consulted even said something derogatorily about "did I want to look like I'd had a mastectomy." I found that offensive on so many levels. This is who I am. If some people have the ability to do it and feel better about it--great. But it's NUTS to me that I would have silicone implants--much less a THIRD set in three years--to meet someone else's expectations. But the pressure I've received, coupled with prior regret, has made me slow down this time.

I will definitely check out the pics when I'm on my home computer.

I used to be a proud wearer of Victoria Secret "bombshell" bra. Tbh, it game me nicer curves, and shockingly more cleavage (b/c of my lateral displacement now) than the fake ones I have.

Thank you again for this. I don't think it makes me a bizzarro to be okay without fake boobs. They just aren't for me. But I have found it distressing the reception that is met with--including the suggestion by one surgeon that I may not like being a woman ?!?!?!

That's quite a comment from your surgeon. Extraordinary. Not uncommon, I am sure.

Drilling down into the "like I'd had a mastectomy" is so interesting. So very odd, if one thinks about it, that there is some....what?.....shame??? in having breast cancer. I am not quite old enough to remember when breast cancer was never talked about. When there were no Komen breast walks, no mobile breast screening RV's, etc etc etc. Who was it, maybe Betty Ford, that made it ok to have breast cancer? Impossible to imagine now but there is certainly a legacy left that mastectomy must be covered up. Part of me wants that never changed because right now insurance companies must (by law) cover reconstructive surgery post breast cancer treatment.

A few years ago, a local woman got into trouble at her local pool because she was seen at lap swimming at 5am without a top. She no longer had boobs and she had a single thin scar that stretched across her upper chest. So a scar line on a woman's chest cannot be seen because there used to be boobs there? Phantom boobs? She had a reasonable reason for no top tho I don't remember it exactly.....something along the lines the tops irritated old wounds.

Honestly, there are a few men at the pool that I wish were banned for upper body nakedness but in their case it is the opposite....there aren't a lot (any?) swimsuits for men that cover the upper body.

Yes exactly. I found that to be very disturbing too. In one breath his sentiment was that I should feel shame about being flat chested and somehow to suggest that it would be tantamount to mastectomy and that is unspeakable? Yes, very disturbing. My situation is obviously very different--I'm sure there is much more emotional and physical trauma that would accompany, or at least potentially accompany, a mastectomy. And I could see that if I'd always had breasts and suddenly didn't, I might want them again. But what if I didn't? Shouldn't that be okay too?!

I'm glad we're having this talk because it's definitely helping me to feel more empowered to be my own version of beauty and strength.

And yes I believe you're right, it was Betty Ford who brought breast cancer out of the shadows. To think women had to be ashamed. So sad.

Your body, your choice, your beauty.

PS DH's may have an opinion about what looks most feminine --- but I think ultimately they are happiest when we are happy.

What a good conversation about breasts, implants, breast cancer, mastectomies and some WTF idiocy from a few plastic surgeons.

Not to mention -- great insights from both you and Shel about your feelings about your breasts, given what you've both been through.

As someone who's just had a second mammogram (after the first one a few weeks ago was "Incomplete / Inconclusive") and guessing (after looking with the mamography tech at my second set of images) that I'm about to get the news that a biopsy is my next step, I'm very interested in this topic.

So much thanks to you both for your conversation here.

Positive thoughts to you, my dear.