Wednesday May 10

I am surprised I'm first! In the office again. Weight 116.5, calories 910.

DH is almost cleared for clinical trial. Only a PET scan on 6/8 remains. He is also having a driving evaluation tomorrow (to make it official and not just my directive) and a lumbar puncture on Friday (not fun). The neurologist called last night to make sure we were all set. That was a surprise (seems like most specialists communicate through their "people").

Have a great Wednesday!

Happy Wednesday everyone.

good food but little activity unless you count weed whacking dandelion heads off.

have a good one

Happy Paula's Birthday!

125 otd. I have already earned an Ostrich today for more watermelon than I need. I'm at home today so I am working to avoid drive-by bites. I am a little tired of myself acting like I have no control over that. I have already been to grocery store and wasn't tempted by the usuals so that was something to be grateful for.

Home paperwork this morning then maybe clean a bathroom -- then noon yoga -- then hike Rattlesnake Ridge -- then DD's track meet.

I like to think there are no rattlesnakes this side of the mountains. Maybe the ridge somehow looks like a rattlesnake rather than the home of rattlesnakes.

I have been watching the Walking Dead which is filmed in Georgia. Very pretty. I really need to get to the South, it is a major gap in my US travels. On the other hand, I am a little worried about hiking even today in because my brain is saturated with images of dead people behind every tree. I'll take Buster with me for protection.

Happy Birthday, Paula! I hope it brings you peace and joy.

Shell

Thanks for the birthday wishes. Day started off rough with lots of tears but is ending on a better note!

Weight: 135.6

Macros: Cals - 1,546, Carbs - 180, Fat - 45, Protein - 92, Sugar - 102, Fiber - 21

Veggies/fruits: 5 (goal is 7)

Sleep: 7

Exercise: Yoga

* * *

Posting from the public library, which has wifi/internet. Hope to get ours repaired today.

Paula, happy birthday! Diane S., thanks for the Sleepy Time tea tip. I'd forgotten about that. BB, welcome home -- sounds like you did awesome in Hawaii, and I like your post-vacay eating-clean plan.

I'm working on balance. My longer to-do list these days (flood clean-up, spring cleaning, new consulting work) is tempting me to multi-task again, which I hate because I suck at multi-tasking and it makes me anxious. (How did I not realize before I retired just how anxious I was because I was trying to do so much?!) Also, our internet access is still down, which complicates things and means daily trips to the library to download work docs and print crosswords. Priorities!

The good news is that yesterday hubby felt much better. Also, yesterday's yoga class was wonderful -- a Vinyasa-style session where we moved from one pose right into the next one. I love those classes and deeply appreciate the teacher who's so knowledgeable and supportive.

This morning we delivered supplies to a church where folks who were displaced by the floods are staying until they can get back into their homes or be relocated. Their situations make my complaints ridiculous.

Balance! And gratitude.

Weight was down to 153.6 today...but I have a feeling it is due to the inordinate amount of wine I had last night. Oops. Luckily or unluckily? there isn't much left so not too much more damage to be done. Now that the vacay is over, I need to get back to not drinking, especially weeknights.

Diane's food envy. I love that expression and I think I've experienced the same thing. I do eat anything, and nothing is off-limits. So I don't have food envy in that regard. However, occasionally I wish I had a larger stomach. I don't know how to explain it. One would think why would you need to? Aren't you just as satisfied being fully full with less as someone who is fully full but with more? I would've thought that to be true..and most of the time it is. I even speak this aloud to myself when I'm leaving a half eaten plate of food at the restaurant, saying "I'm as satisfied as if I'd eaten it all." How can you do better than that? Thanksgiving is the most obvious example--I miss out on that eating marathon. There are so many food choices I actually find it hard to even get a bite of each thing I want before filling up! And there is just something religious about eating to uncomfortably full. There was some kind of euphoria to overeating on chinese food--definitely kind of like a drug now that I think about it. And I didn't treat food that way all the time before, but I cannot now. And, tbh, I kind of wish I could hit a switch and do it once or twice.

So here is a super long thought. Feel free to scroll on over. I wound up being rambly. But on the off chance I put something out there that someone finds useful, I'm hitting send.

Yesterday I was driving and had an epiphany (unlike most people who seem to get great ideas in the shower, mine come in the car by myself!): I can never make my goal. I will never be satisfied with my weight. My current attitude is that I am, and should be, unhappy with my weight and body until x occurs. I've given myself permission to be unhappy now, by telling myself I will be happy then. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm the only one who thinks that way.

Bodyshame is not an issue exclusive to the overweight community. However, I do believe it's more acceptable, reinforced, encouraged even. It is not politically correct to be obese and proud of your body. People almost find it offensive or ?dangerous? if a fat person is happy with their body.

For years I've been programmed to hate my body. And unfortunately that doesn't all disappear with the weightloss. You know, sure, I like being thin. I don't have to feel bad because stores don't carry my size, or worry about the seat size in a theater or airplane. But it's amazing how many other things I've found to complain about. I nitpick now. Before I was just fat, and that said enough. Now I trace my stretchmark scars on my stomach with my finger and gather the remaining loose skin on my stomach (even after a tummy tuck!). Or sometimes when I flex to see my new biceps, I pull on the hanging batwing skin.

While on vacation with my inlaws, I had the chance to observe my sister in law. She is and always has been thin. She has no kids. She just turned 50 but honestly could pass for my sister--her skin is flawless and no wrinkles. It defies nature. Point being, if anyone should feel "allowed" to be comfortable in her own skin, it should be her. But she won't wear shorts above her knees, and I literally thought her swimsuit was a dress. That made me sad because I realized how unnecessarily critical we are of ourselves.

Enough is enough. I am enough. I probably look as good as I ever will. I'm certainly the youngest I'll ever be. I lived in one piece swimsuits far too long. I have stretchmarks. People can deal. Going to the gym and doing something physical that I can be proud of has been somewhat curative. I can feel proud of my body for something beyond its appearance. But I want to feel proud of my appearance too. And not because I'm a size x or because I finally weigh x. Just cuz.

Now that's not to say I won't keep trying to lose weight. I want to. Arguably need to. And I'm not saying I won't get more plastic surgery or that others shouldn't. But that's really just treating a symptom. And if I don't start working on body positivity, a new flaw will quickly replace the fixed one. I need to spend some time getting to like my body. Even typing that gives me some anxiety like I should be embarrassed to admit to anyone that I think my body is ok or good--goes back to that whole it's not okay to be fat and happy with your body. My impulse is that because I don't like my appearance I should turn my attention to other areas--compensate if you will . After all, beauty is only skin deep. But I'm beginning to think that's the wrong approach. I'm actually pretty confident in other areas.

I remember being very overweight on vacation with my brother, his wife, her mother and grandmother. My sister-in-law's grandmother commented on my legs and I cringed as she said, "your legs..." Backstory, they are all very frail and thin, my family is very strong and heavy. The mother and grandmother always comment on people's size and what they eat usually while it was being eaten, so I braced myself ... but she said your legs are so strong, you were able to walk, climb all the hills and stairs with no effort.

Shock! I have hated my legs since I was a kid, because they have always rubbed together, been too big and have terrible scars and a big hole since a car accident when I was a teen. I never thought of them as being strong, just ugly. I stammered out a thank you. I have remembered that every time I start to feel ashamed of my legs.

My sister-in-law's mother was not as enlightened as the grandmother. Another backstory... I carried twins via IVF as a gestational surrogate for my brother and sister-in-law, gave birth naturally with no intervention, and the day they were born, my SIL's mother asked me when I would be able to exercise again (because y'know, I had gained weight and was already fat). Although unexpected, I was prepared enough to jokingly ask, "Again?"

My point is that despite our size, shape, weight, etc., etc., our bodies are miraculous and we should try as hard as we can to appreciate what we have while we have it.

Just goes to show you how we are so much more critical on ourselves than anyone else is.

Also that's awesome about your surrogacy!

Wonderful self reflection!