Wednesday April 26

good morning everyone

thanks Dave!

walked for two hours and food was great.

raining for a change!

Weight: 137.4

Yesterday's macros: Cals - 1,434, Carbs - 147, Fat - 42, Protein - 100, Sugar - 84, Fiber - 23

Veggies/fruits: 5 (goal is 7)

Sleep: 7.5 (goal is 8)

Exercise: Yoga class, timber clean-up and mowing

* * *

Days later, she re-appears! (I last posted on Sunday morning.)

I hardly ever fall off the wagon and go on an actual binge. Have done so maybe only twice since WLS. But I sure did on Sunday night / Monday.

Perhaps the best way to think about this is as an opportunity to understand what triggers my binging. This time the sequence looks like this: (1) we learned Sunday night that a close friend has become terminal and entered hospice care, (2) I've been feeling heightened anxiety about hubby's upcoming cancer-related scan, (3) I wound up getting ZERO hours of sleep Sunday night -- when I couldn't sleep I got out of bed and stayed up night binge-watching Netflix. When I don't sleep I eat, partly from hunger, and partly for "entertainment." (Note that because I've recently tapered off of Ambien, I didn't take any sleep aids.)

But on Monday morning, after no sleep at all, I was exhausted, pretty demoralized, and just kept eating. My usual self-control was just gone. That day I didn't track, but estimate I ate 3,000 calories -- mostly carbs/sugar. Although I did eat some protein, the big culprits were seed crackers, cheese, and dark chocolate. I didn't eat anything after 5:30 pm on Monday night and, after no sleep on Sunday night, I slept like a log.

Tuesday morning I got up, showered, put on makeup, dressed, went to yoga class, ran errands, picked up timber and mowed for nearly 2 hours, and ate healthy. And tried to understand WTF had happened! Am still trying to understand it.

Maybe s**t just happens. The good news is that I ended the binge and took back the reins after only 24 hours. BTW, yesterday I cleared all chocolate out of the kitchen. I did some online research about "recovering from a food binge" and saw that my own instincts were the right ones (no shame, eat healthy, hydrate, don't crash diet, move, exercise, etc.). But I feel pretty destabilized by this.

I also am wondering to what extent my affection for Ambien last winter was a tactic to sedate my night-time ruminations and anxiety about hubby's cancer. Jeez. Feeling those feelings is still tough, even for this 71-year-old broad.

Any insights from others who've gone through this?

Hey there!

Ambien Affection: true that!

Sunday: what went wrong cosmically to pull us off our axis like that? Is there an astrologist out there? I had a bad afternoon/evening of grazing related 12 hours at the computer, finally completing a major project that had been dragging me down.

Observing ourselves: In my earliest days on this board, Linda commented to Devon about "observing herself" when she wasn't eating exactly on plan. Devon seemed to get it. I remember thinking WTF is observing oneself? But, on Sunday, I got it. I knew why I was grazing (distraction, anxiety, soothing) and I simply allowed it. No judgement involved. It wasn't I don't give a F*#$. I observed. Is acute self-awareness advancement? I like to think it is. Anytime I can be like Linda I feel good.

Feelings: Yup, much, MUCH, more hurt in my world. Is it possible that food was holding me together so that I wouldn't crack? Intellectually, I know it is better to deal with the problem of the day. But, I sure do miss food as a reliable pick me up. Part of it was eating, but I also derived a lot of pleasure from meal planning/cooking/etc.

Regrets: You had seed crackers, cheese and dark chocolate. I had bean and kale soup made with the Easter hambone. There was a niggling worry that I would be able to self-propel to work the next day. Next time I am going to observe myself having crackers, cheese and chocolate. The three C's of joy. And no kick-back.

Best wishes for you and DH in regards to that scan.

Love you lots. And, as Carbon would say: Onward.

Thank you, kind friend. You made me laugh with the kale vs. chocolate resolution. Made hubby laugh, too, since he had to listen to me whinge about my binging all the time I was indulging it.

The woes of life, whether large or small, are made more tolerable with a little humor. Thank you.

P.S. Onward!

OMG! Observing oneself! Yes, a skill that did not come easily, but boy is it beneficial! Letting go of the judgement and observing the behavior and analyzing it as it is happening is enlightening. Advancement? Hell, yes! Acceptance and acknowledgement are the first steps in change. I can still remember the freedom I felt when I realized the first I didn't punish myself for a binge. The lack of self demoralization allowed me to go back to regular eating without a deprivation punishment and without a secondary binge staring the cycle all over again.

Being the silent observer of one's own behavior is a beautiful thing.

Self-propel with bean and kale - LOL! I love vegetarian chili, and it definitely can act as "fuel" when I have too much of it.

I've had a couple of times when I've done that type of eating since WLS and just have to rein it in and get back on plan the next day.

I do think lack of sleep can be a huge trigger and that insomnia is not just bad habits. My couple of years with it were just after my daughter died. I also gained a LOT of weight during that period (and then kept it on until WLS). I had to work through my feelings about losing my daughter (and develop my sleep rules) to get back to a normal sleep pattern. But I didn't have my VSG tool or a good eating plan at that time to do anything about the weight I had accumulated.

126's today. I have been feeling more at peace since wrapping up a big work project in the wee hours of Monday morning.

I have today off -- the first Wednesday off since the new schedule started that isn't packed from start to finish with that huge project weighing me down. The house needs cleaning, for sure.....but it is nice to get back to the mundane.

I want to get back to a more rigorous exercise routine. With my new work schedule, I have kept up with a yoga class 3 days a week and do a fair amount of yoga at home to try to stretch out legs/hip flexors. It is time to add back some functional fitness routines that my personal trainer had set up over a year ago. Bonnie, that recently described training session really sounded counter productive. Maybe keep your ears open for a trainer with a different approach?

Strength and Stamina,

Shel

Wt 216

Mom's sleep study last night. I don't know how bad she failed but they put cPap on soon after she went to sleep. She is more worried about cPap hair than right sided heart failure. Went out to eat last night but I didn't over do it. Took my nuts and yogurt with me for breakfast.

I have been observing my eating patterns. When I get stressed I gobble the food. I am in a race with some kind of force of evil. DW reminds me to slow down. I still have good restriction. I don't beat myself up. Just try to slow down and realized the stress.

More later, David

Running out the door here but did want to take a moment to check in and let you know I've been scanning your posts most days and am always with you in spirit. Diane O, thank you for your thoughtful note too.

By hook or by crook, I'm still at 116. Some days are better than others but overall I haven't had the level of consistency it takes to drop south of 115 again. Interestingly, as Shel mentioned earlier, I find it more helpful to observe myself rather than get into the emotion of the moment when I'm using food inappropriately. Only later can I examine the feelings and reflect on what I might do differently.

Lots of ****ty emotional stuff going on, but can't go there right now. Overall, I safely have my head above water and that's what counts!

Have a pretty day