Sat March 11

I am really proud of you for maintaining your weight during this time!

Do you have coloring books and colors? Glad you are getting a massage.

Radiation and chemo at the same time: heavens!

Is it dysfunctional for me to say that he should enjoy some good eats this weekend?

Chemo protip: don't focus on eating favorite foods if the chemo makes him feel sick. Foods eaten during that time may be forever tainted by the experience and ruin them as favorites. Also, canned peaches were a surprising favorite for many on chemo. They would go down sometimes when nothing else would.

Sending strength and hope for the coming weeks,

xoxo

He has been eating A LOT of ice cream. I ordered some in from his favorite ice cream place in Ohio - Graeters! Over $10 a pint to be shipped but who cares! He has also been stopping at DQ after tests/scans that require fasting, and of course there are the Girl Scout cookies. Because of the narrowing he pretty much needs to stick to softer foods right now so a big juicy steak is out.

Good tip on the avoid your favorites during chemo! I remember my uncle having a favorite blueberry pie during chemo and he was never able to eat it again!

You are doing so well through this. Good for you getting a massage for yourself! You must take care of yourself to be able to help everyone else.

So much on your plate. I think you are doing a great job handling it all. I'm sure your medical background is helping support you, but damn, lady, clearly you are one strong mama! Take care of yourself. We love you and support you through this - even if it is a cyber support. Take good care of yourself. Maybe you and #3 can go off and have a carefree mom and son time. He seems to be one of your joys these days.

Paula, I second and third everything others have said, and send you big old YEAs! for your massage, ordering the $10/pint ice cream (love that, actually), getting an actual diagnosis, getting the port in, DQ, the kid showing up for PE and moving toward treatment, and everything else you're influencing and doing, including breathing.

Sending more hugs.

Hellen Keller wrote "We all have our hill difficulty to climb" yours is more than the average hill. More like a mountain. Prayers continue for you and your family.

123's. In my jammies and surfing when I should be painting or preparing to paint.

I have been wondering about akindofmagick. No doubt she is whipping something into shape, bringing organization to chaos.

I found a counselor for my daughter and she starts next week. So difficult to find someone that looks good on-line, covered by insurance and within easy driving from her school. I really want someone that will work on CBT/behavior and not just be talk therapy.

Speaking of driving, my daughter is going to drive me on errands on the weekends to get practice. Good thing counseling is already on the books.

"My problem is that I say yes but I act no" rings painfully true for me, too. Speaking of that, I think I will make a run to the hardware store.

Hug your health today!

Shel

Carbon, Elina is finishing post grad work in psychology. She has plans to morph her business into a practice in which she will focus on working with people with obesity issues(she as been a high profile tutor/educational advocate for many years. Her background is special ed.). Not sure where Robert has disappeared to.

Enjoying a few minutes of quite before the chaos of my day. Coffee with the old dog. The young dogs are on patrol and mama Blue is with her babe. The Piglet as she is now called weighed in at a whopping 3lbs 14 oz last night. She is up and walking albeit very clumsily and her eyes are now wide open. She is a strong willed and self assured pup. She will not be an easy puppy for anyone, but given her lineage, I'm sure she will be an absolute love. Possibly stubborn as hell, but a lovebug all the same!

I am feeling pretty okay about the BED thing. I do know that this week I USED the BED as a method of excuse to pardon my food choices. Gotta love how the old brain works. Weight has been stable this week.

I am doing an exercise for myself to help my awareness an understand the consequences of my eating. It's hard to do in a way, but I'm doing it without judgement - simply observing. I am looking at myself each night before bed in complete undress. I take it in, so I understand my size. I have a form of body dysmorphia that allows me to overlook how fat I am when I'm up in weight, but it also does not let me see myself accurately when I am thin. I am working on seeing my true form. What I am seeing is not what I want for myself, but I'm not upset or angry. Just noting, more than anything.

I have a school dinner thing that I have opportunity to attend. I've decided to skip it. I want to take today and tomorrow while I'm at home for the weekend to take a little more control of my eating environment and choices. I have two seemingly simple goals for today: No sugar prior to 10 pm. and no eating directly before going to bed. The putting something in my mouth immediately before bed has become a compulsive drive and I need to work on it. Apparently it's part of the BED. With VSG I don't fit the eating massive quantities anymore, but I instead want to eat non stop from about 3 pm until bedtime. So, I've pinpointed some trigger times and behaviors that I will have to work on modifying. I'm hoping to try the Vyvanse to see if it helps. I don't care much about controlling hunger, because I don't really have much. I'd like a little help with the internal drive issue. I let out a sigh of ease each time I realize that BED has a strong genetic component. Coupled with my addiction issues, hell, I've got some **** to get through to come out where I want to be on the other side of this.

So, since I'm not in a cycle of maintenance at the moment, I want thank you for the support and welcoming attitudes on this board. Does mean the world to me. I do not know what this next leg is going to look like and I won't lie - I'm having anxiety about my PCP phone appt. on Monday. The BED and addition and change of medication is very unsettling for me. The emotional wave is deep and swells up at times. It's a scary feeling. If I let it come all the way up, I will cry. I can feel it. Not ready for that.

Positive - KICK ASS workout yesterday. It sometimes amazes me, what I am capable of these days.

Devon, thank you for sharing yourself and your "stuff" on these fronts. Sending you support and applause for looking at all this with eyes wide open.

You are one of the most self-reflective people I know! I could (and do) learn a lot from you. Thank you for your contributions to this board. We love you!