Feb 1st Wed

204.  Monday night, my daughter called that she needed to go to the E.R.  On the way, I called and found out that they were overcrowded, big surprise.  We went to my house and called 911 for an ambulance so she would not be ignored as in the past.  The ambulance was diverted to another hospital, which was also overcrowded.  Because of her dialysis port, she was put into a private waiting room, which was a plus, but although she was admitted, was not given a regular room until 11 pm last night (24 hours later). 

After my daughter was settled when we first got there, I spotted a sleeper chair in the hallway, asked for it, got it, set it up with sheets, pillow and blanket hoping I might get a few hours of sleep.  I was comfortable, but awake the whole time except for a couple short catnaps because my daughter required constant help.  She scared the bejeebus out of me again.  She kept saying she thought she was dying and looked like it.  Her vitals were bad and it was super scary.

She is stabilized, it is not the dreaded infection that was feared and we are told this happens early on in dialysis sometimes.  Glucose is added to the mix going in, which can wreak havoc and did.

Meanwhile, my son-in-law had the boys.  He is much better since his massive stroke, still paralyzed on left side and gets confused.  The boys were fine yesterday but missed the bus this morning, did not have lunches packed or any lunch money.  My brother took them to school, but told me they smelled bad.  (I am still twitching and having a hard time not racing down to get them into a bath.)  I am going straight to get them after work and will make sure one of my brothers takes the boys next time my daughter is hospitalized. 

I had no money and was not prepared to be spending 24 hours at a hospital far from home.  Luckily I had a few protein bars and water in the trunk of my car but not enough.  The nurses were very kind and gave me a roast beef with cheddar sandwich and orange when I started feeling faint around hour 20.  I do not eat bread often.  It was a whole grain, hearty bread that was DELICIOUS!  OK, I was starving, but it was so good.  My daughter actually laughed because I enjoyed it so much.  3 lbs. off Monday's chin-to-chest weight. 

Joey, my God!  So much on your plate!  And I don't mean the roast beef with cheddar sandwich on good bread.  I hope your daughter recovers fast.  

OMG, I don't know how you deal with all this.  Well, I really do - You are a mother and this is your job, but so sorry this is happening. I hope your daughter is better.

(((Hug))) Joey - so much to deal with. I pray you all get some relief soon!

Oh, I just don't know how much more you can take! I really do feel for you. Stay strong. 

Joey, prayers going to you and family.  Lots of hugs. 

Weight same as yesterday.

Interesting things posted today. Women, weight, pecking order, etc... As a teacher of young girls I can tell you with confidence that some girls find power in judgment. Their own inner critics are probably pretty intense and they reflect that critic outward to gain power and status. Mean girls are not a cliché. I deal with them every single year - and I work with 7, 8, and 9 year olds!

David, sorry to read what is going on in your family. I agree that often stress begets stress. Family illness is definitely high stress. I hope for the best for all concerned.

Carbon, I shared your lack of sleep. I awake by 3:15 and up and down until 6:00. Maddening.

The conversation about women and judgment reminds me of one of my own issues:

I have an extremely active inner critic. I am trying to work on changing that. It is hard. There is something that is so ingrained about focusing on the negatives or what needs to be improved. I find it very difficult to focus on the positives about myself. I spent some time thinking about positives on Monday and all I could really come up with was I am good with dogs (I phrase it "I speak Dog"). While I know there are other positives, I keep hearing my mom's voice and my inner critic telling me it's not nice to be boastful and it becomes hard for me to fully believe that those positives are really valid. I once lost 30 pounds as a young adult. My mom's reaction was to tell me that clearly I was trying to gain control of something in my life because I had no control of anything else and that I wouldn't be able to keep it off. I mean, really? And this was coming from a woman who struggled with her own weight. Damn!

So my job right now is to focus on the positive things about myself. It is ridiculous how much time I spend in self degradation mode. I don't think I really realized how bad I am. Boy, oh boy... This journey sure leads me down interesting paths.

Message to Kairk's inner critic:  If you can't say anything nice, then shut up!!!!

You have a million fine qualities dude so send that critic packing.   Diane S

I'm sorry you have these messages from your mother in your mind - hard to ignore, but you need to (self degradation not allowed).

I have a boy that is a mean girl (DS # 2) So hard when you see your children acting that way! I know he does it to Boost himself up (low self confidence) but that is not a valid reason to belittle others.