Saturday September 17th

Drat! I am sick! Body aches continue, headache started and I have a fever of 100.3. Don't nobody have time for that! No surprise though, I have not been taking very good care of me!

Paula

Damn! Feel better soon. Wake those able bodied teens up and put them to work! (I know, if wishes were horses....)

Your body has spoken.  Rest and Relaxation are mandated.  DH needs to rally the troops.  As Devon said, easier said than done. 

Well, I either weigh 216 or 215.6 or 214.8 or perhaps anything in between. You may take your pick. I really have no clue. I took out the battery and put it back in and now the scale doesn't even work. I will try new batteries and if that doesn't do it, I don't know what I will do next. Anyhow, I'm going to go with 216 because I can feel the muscles in my chest beginning to repair from yesterday's workout.

I am doing well with my "head hunger" and "see food" issues during the day. However, I am still baffled by my need to eat just before bed. I suppose it's not changing because I'm only doing step one of acknowledging that it's head hunger and not going beyond that. Tonight I am promising to myself and to you all that I will reread about steps 2 and 3 and 4 and at least take on step 2 and 3. I will report my level of success tomorrow.

I am fighting the urge to rely on WILLPOWER to stay on plan. Sometimes in the here and now it seems easier, but I know in the long run it won't serve me as well. This CBT and TCB stuff isn't easy. I find though that it does uncover an underlying layer of anxiety about not eating specific foods that I didn't really understand was quite so powerful.

I took the food addiction survey on The Thin Woman's Brain website. My results showed that I do not have a food addiction. I found the way the answers to the questions were weighted difficult to answer with certainty. What I did realize through the survey is that I don't have completely overpowering thoughts about food and while I binge on occasion the binges don't have the emotional component described in the survey. I think I get mostly caught up in the hormonal and chemical deficiencies, which leads me to believe that the pull for me is stronger on the physiological than on the emotional level.

I look forward to our daily check in here very much. It is good for me to be among people who understand the war. Our board is a place where it is safe to explore my thoughts and try to make sense of them. I am able to see myself in others and take heart and celebrate that I am not alone.

While writing this morning I realized that September 9 of this year marked 5 years from the day that I met with my bariatric surgeon and was accepted as a patient by the medical team (shrink and surgeon and nutritionist). For the past 5 years my weight, food intake, and struggles with obesity have been at the forefront of my daily life. There is a deep level of disconcertion that comes with this realization. I am certainly not where I hoped to be at this point post surgery. In January of 2016 I had hopes of being solidly back in my goal range by this time. I am not. From April on I backslid and here I am sitting 4-5 pounds more than on January 4^th. If I sit with this I can feel the power surging up from within. My instinct is to shut it down and I am thinking about making breakfast.

I am clearly still a fat person in my brain. This is not a tragedy. I will persevere and I have great hopes that I will prevail. It is simply my truth and while I'm saddened by the truth, I am not disappointed with myself, I am not a failure because I never stop trying, and I am going to continue on my journey to a healthier, happier and smaller self. Happy Saturday to me! (says he with a shake of the head and a self deprecating s******)

I am amazed and grateful by your depth of insight and openness.  

134's today. Four mile walk with Sadie and the neighbor before moving the final yard of topsoil and seeding in front and back yards before the rain. Went to a friends for dinner, and came home early to wrap my very swollen leg.

So grateful for each and every one of you.  I get strength and inspiration every day !