Sunday. Aug21

Boy did my afternoon turn rough for a while!  The mental piece of this is such a challenge for me.

Took the kids school shopping (woof!!) and when I got home cleaned out their dressers and closets for Goodwill.  Since I did theirs figure I should get rid of some things of mine, I knew I had several sizes of clothing bigger than what I wear.  While I was doing it I felt almost like I was  having an anxiety attack.  "What if I gain the weight back and need these".  I felt like I was throwing away security blankets or something!  So then I leave the bedroom and my son had a bag of candy on the table so I ate two peanut butter cups!!  How messed up is that?!?  It was Halloween theme at the campground and the ironic thing is I barely had any candy while we were there!  But then I get home, feel anxious about regain and eat some of it!  Sometimes I feel like such a head case.

Right now I'm feeling back in my head and planning a light dinner such as an egg white omelette, all protein!  But boy, do I strike a delicate balance with the emotions of this journey.  Although hubby is so supportive, he doesn't truly "get it", as he's been thin without effort his whole life.  Therefore, you all are the target of my emotional baggage.  Thanks for listening friends!!!

Next time you need to clean out closets and have those feelings of anxiety, try a little trick I learned from a self help book:

If you are having anxiety about ridding yourself of your "fat clothes", don't get rid of them. Instead, fold each piece carefully and thank it for being there when you needed it. Explain to the clothes after they are all folded that you are packing them up and putting them away because even though you don't need them any longer, you are not ready to say goodbye. Promise to take them out in six months and either say goodbye or put them back in your closet. 

I have never put anything back in my closet after the six month mark. Just a thought. 

BTW - you are not messed up. What you did by grabbing the peanut butter cups was a reversion to a past and comforting in the moment behavior. When you begin to recognize that while the taste and texture is comforting for the moments the candy is in your mouth, but does not reconcile with your true goals of being and maintaining a healthy weight the habit of reaching will begin to lessen because you will be aware. When you are aware it becomes a choice. 

This, my friend, is an example of writing what I need to hear myself! 

Devon,

I can't thank you enough both for your response today and for being you!  You have obviously come so far and learned a lot, and you selflessly share it with others!  I will admit that the first time you responded to one of my posts on the regular board I was a bit star struck "Kairk talked to me!!"  Now we are on a first name basis ;).  And I did keep a few bigger clothes.  Got rid of a lot, but kept a couple.  Baby steps.

This board is such a safe place to put it all out there to people who have experienced similar issues.  Grateful for that!  And I will continue with my work in progress!!!  

It is later in the day and I wanted to post about myself in a separate post from the one I wanted to direct specifically to Carbon. 

I had a difficult evening food wise last night.

I managed well, I thought considering how tired I was and my BFF's emotional seesaw I got to deal with once again. (He suffers from depression and is beginning to acknowledge that he also has intense anxiety issues. He has been on an emotional roller coaster for the 33 years I've known him. A great fellow, but when he's in the throes of an depressive and anxiety driven episode he is a bit of a chore, but a chore I gladly do.) I'm always compelled to eat after dealing with him when he's in a state. I was able to avoid eating, but the compulsion was there, no doubt about it. 

Ron brought home Aussie Bites from the dog event. I knew they were going to present a problem and was a bit miffed he brought them home, but he did leave behind the chocolate croissants and leftover doughnut holes at my request, so I tried to look the other way. I avoided them all night long until the end of the night. Before bed I decided that I could not have those in the fridge. Every time I opened the fridge to refill water, or when I was getting things out for  dinner or putting things away afterwards they called. I put them all in a freezer bag except for one, and took them outside to the garage freezer and stashed them in there.  He will forget they are there and eventually, I will, too. But they are out of sight and no longer posing a problem. 

Before I went to bed I ate the Aussie Bite I left out of the bag. I am not sure it's a baked item - the bites are so dense and chewy it's like a pressed granola - but I'm guessing it is a baked good. So while eating it was outside the rule of "I don't eat baked goods of the sweet variety", eating the bite was a calculated and thought through decision. I did struggle with the choice to eat it, but once I made the decision I was okay with my decision. 

The other thing was that even though I was VERY PLEASED with myself for not indulging in the baked goods and sweets at the Doggy Fun Day, I had sweets on my mind. I ended up going out and getting a small sugar free (no sugar added) frozen yogurt sprinkled with chopped almonds. That did the trick and did not break my rule. 

It occurred to me afterwards how focused my brain was on fulfilling the emotional need for something sweet, yet was also concerned about sticking to rules and gradually changing behaviors. So, those were my two digressions yesterday. 

I was down another half pound today. So far today has been 100% on point and I've yet to get to 500 calories. It will be time for some protein before too long. 

Tomorrow will be the first grueling day back at school. District meetings all morning and site meetings all afternoon. Hopefully, I'll get a little time to put the finishing touches on my plans for the first day of school for the kids, which will be Tuesday. Gearing up for the return to the school year routine! 

Reading everyone's posts reminds me about how much focus and energy we all consistently direct toward being healthy.  This is such a safe, caring, accepting place to share fears and concerns and explore new ideas. I so appreciate you all. We are weight loss warriors, strong and vulnerable at the same time.

129s today. Had stocking on long enough for a walk with Sadie in my sneakers, then some time in the pool and back into the compression wrap to reverse the swelling. Day long administrative training tomorrow.