TGIF, July 29, 2016

Seems like everyone is moving forward with positivity today.

Down another pound today. Since I am not tracking, logging or counting this is a good thing. I did record my weight on Livestrong.com today so I would have it as a reference for when I return from my trip. I took a glance at my weight trend for the last 6 months. It is VERY CLEAR exactly when those puppies were born! The weight made a steady climb from that point forward. Not pretty, but the truth, and you all know I'm all about accepting my truth. 

Diane's recommendation The Thin Woman's Brain made me wonder if a thin woman's brain works differently from a thin man's brain. 

Treated Ron and myself to a mani pedi at a new place yesterday. Ridiculously expensive, but a good time was had, so I guess it was worth it. 

So, reading The End of Overeating is having a strange effect: I am wanting to try many of the foods mentioned in the book to see if they do the things in my mouth they are supposed to do. Had I gone to the grocery store yesterday I would have left with some type of junk food (I was thinking a Hostess cupcake - which I don't particularly like, but whenever I have one, I immediately desire more....or Doritos Nacho Cheese flavor chips. The book goes into great detail why they are Frito Lay's #1 chip for desirability.) I suppose it is a good thing I never made it to the grocery store. LOL! 

Decided to go to Newport, RI to check out the summer "cottages" of American Industrial tycoons. I think that will be a fun day trip on my way from Boston to Greenwich. 

Chores and packing today. Not sure when I will be able to check in again. I know I won't be off the grid once I'm back in Boston, so maybe Monday or Tuesday. 

I remembered very clearly how an earlier litter was a factor in your initial regain and to be perfectly candid - because we can do that here, right? - I'm glad you can see  how this last litter played into things again.

Understandably a super high stress situation, especially when combined with the other crap that life brings our way!  Forgive me for putting this out there, but because breeding is a high stress situation of choice, have you given any consideration to not breeding? Maybe not forever, but at least until you've achieved what you desire with your weight?  

There, I've said it :(

*gulp

Something to think about, even if you're not ready to commit to that?

No worries  - no need to gulp - nothing offensive in what you said at all! But.....

Hahahaha! You're funny! Not an option. I have a breeding planned for next spring already with several people lined up (who are also influential in my little dog world - which speaks volumes for my breeding program...).

But even more importantly, not breeding would be taking away a passion. The breeding is part of the dog fancy. Yes, it's stressful, but so is my effing job, and my side job takes away a lot of my free time, too. The extra grooming presents more of a problem for me than anything, I'm beginning to see. Having so little flexibility in my schedule because I'm always working (usually 7 days a week) is a crazy maker and I have been feeling caged on and off lately. When I'm working with my dogs I'm in a zone that closes in around me and I am happy. Raising pups brings me a lot of joy - and yes stress. 

Let me put it to you this way: Suppose you gained 20 pounds (heaven forbid!) and you were told that because you had gained 20 pounds it was far more risky for you to ride Violet because your balance was off, your reflexes would be inhibited by your size, and you should maybe just for now focus solely on achieving your weight goals. Would giving up that joyous part of your life make sense to you, even if you could see the logic behind it? Wouldn't you want to be able to do both things in concert? As I see it, you're LEARNING to do both right now. You are managing this new life, enjoying your passions, and learning to manage your weight. You are figuring out how to deal with Rob's pie and have a giant marshmallow s'mores all while figuring out a new, exciting, and adventuresome life. 

The goal for me is to live my life and learn to manage my weight in a positive way. Stopping living my life to take care of my weight once again would be a step backward for me on a personal level. I gave up a lot being fat. There were many things I had to forfeit because of my weight - mostly my self esteem and enjoyment of life.

Yes, I gained 20 pounds back of the 30 I lost, but I'm still 10 pounds ahead of where I was this time last year. A great achievement? No. But it's what I was able to do. 

I have a lot to figure out. I get that. Perhaps I'm even more F'd up around food than most on this board. I'll tell you what I believe i have to do:

1. Figure out what I want my balanced life to look like, feel like, and be like. I don't know what that is.
2. Figure out what I really want as far as my weight and eating goes. I am still stuck in Should Ville. I should eat this, I should weigh this, my BMI should be..., I should have more control, I should have less desire to eat crap, etc.... I don't know where I will be content. 
3. Be willing to really examine why I turn to food for comfort and solace. I need to develop ways to cope with my life other than eating.

I am an addict of the first degree. I have a history of self medicating from very early on. I believe food was my first substance of abuse, then as a teen I went to cigarettes, pot, and the occasional uppers. In my twenties I turned to booze. By 30 I hit obesity and it just went up and up. I was a triple threat. I drank, I smoked and I over ate! I gave up the booze. I gave up the cigarettes. Sometimes I feel all that is left if the food. I NEVER have a glass of wine or ****tail. I never reach for a cigarette. I don't use prescription drugs for recreation. 

Well, this was probably much more than you expected or I SHOULD have written (see there's that should again! LOL). But clearly, the problem does not lie with breeding and raising pups. The problem lies with how I handle my life and deal with stress. That is what needs fixing. 

So, thanks for the thought provoker! Writing out my little diatribe was uplifting for me. 

PS - Ron says that clearly I needed to say all this, but you probably didn't need to hear it.... so, just know I LOVE YOU!!!!! 

Phew! So glad you were able to roll with the pushy broad today!!!  I value your friendship - and your insights/opinions/knowledge - so much and would never want to jeopardize that!I too find it helpful to put my thoughts out there at times so completely get your response.  This is your truth and I respect that.  

Interesting question you pose about my passion.  Actually gaining 20 pounds would probably be a good thing in this case haha!  Kidding!!! In seriousness, I get your point and I did spend a few moments to consider it and play it out in a 'what if' scenario.  For me personally, I have to say I would give up riding Violet to lose the 20 pounds. And even though we both understand having passion about a hobby/lifestyle, I would make that choice for a myriad of reasons that matter to me. At least at this point in my life I would.

You're not anymore F'up than the rest of us!!!  I've been trying to lose 20# for 2+ years...how F'up is that!!  I exercise myself silly in the summer and then go on hiatus when school starts(not really, but it's a lot less).  It's finding the balance.  I may never find it but I'll die trying.

I'm so glad you recognize your 10# lost...finding the positives.  And, I love reading everything you need to say because it makes me think...so, thanks!

I needed to hear and see the viewpoints of so much of what you write.  I am constantly trying to find a balanced life with activity, anxiety, mood and food.  I think because I have been on so many diets it is easy to feel I should eat this program to be the weight that I should. I'm constantly looking for THE program to follow.  THE doctor that knows the cure.  THE book that can change my thinking or provide that one bit of missing material that I need to fix it.  

I truly believe the answer lies within ourselves. You may enjoy reading Intuitive Eating. Read with the perspective of coming to terms with who you are with food, body, and mind. I do think that some people use the concept of Intuitive Eating to give themselves permission to eat whatever and stay fat. I don't support that side of it. 

Still at 115. A little more thought about it, but not a whole lot more effort lol. That's actually my goal weight, so it's hard to buckle down enough to get back to my Goldilocks number of 112. 

Travel day yesterday.  Did not medicate Bailee, which meant more distress related panting but meow per minute rate was probably similar. The sedative seems to take the edge off by 10-20%, which means it's hard to decide its value. At times he did settle though, which is a small improvement. Thunder Shirt will be next purchase.

We are down in the canyon between Clarkston, WA and Lewiston, ID. Very hot and dry here with the type of terrain we love - hills/mountains, desert feel, river running through. Another beautiful campsite just a few steps to a marina.  Very little shade though, and too hot to comfortably ride with a forecast high of 40C 104F today. 

Not that poor Violet is rideable :(  A mishap unloading her yesterday. DH knocked off the oil filter when he backed it out onto the ramp, slipped on the oil and dropped the bike. Fortunately the side railing was up and stopped him from falling over the side and having the bike fully land on top of him. It was scary, but I managed to round up some help to lift the bike off his leg (very hard to lift up a 'hill' on a ramp). DH is fine thank heavens, which is the most important thing. Not sure about poor Violet yet. Hopefully just replace oil and filter, but if the engine stem is damaged, I understand it's pretty much game over. Can't go there in my head, which is probably a good thing right now!

So yes, there are always challenges with living this way, but so far the good far outweighs the bad!  Oh and wait until you see my camping washing machine. Temporary solution to laundromat woes - hoping to install a real washer dryer combo this winter.  Had been wanting this portable one for a few weeks now and finally scored it at Post Falls Cabela's. Likely the only one available in western US right now (7 in Alaska though, Michele - that's clearly the supply priority) and not available in Canada. Looking forward to trying it out!

Last day of liquids (5)... ended up with a solids/liquids combo today.  All protein, at least.  Transitioning back to solids tomorrow but want to be slow and careful as to not cause any intestinal issues. LOL

183.5 today for a loss of 6.5 pounds over the course of 4 days of liquids.  That's a lot... and it just shows how off track I was.  Tomorrow morning's weigh in will give the official result.  Hoping for another loss, but will be very happy if I stay at 183.5 also.

Greetings Persevering Petite People!

130.5 today. I have been taking Tesla the terror on a mile walk every day just to wear her out. But I think its helping me hold the line and maybe even really slowly lose a little.  Made chicken tacos last nite with mini tortillas which is about the only carb I eat. Pretty good.

Thin woman's brain. Hmmmm, sounds like its worth a read. I have always felt us fatties had some different cellular chemistry or brain thing or super efficient digestion that made us fat. And in my case a natural tenancy to be sedentary.   

Carbon what are we gonna do about that knee? I rub blue emu oil on my stiff hands. Its probably totally worthless but I think it helps. So wish you could get some medical help.   And Diane O so thrilled you are improving. Having had the celulitis attack are you at greater risk for more?  Hope not. 

Yep, a litter of puppies can be a big stressor Kairk as I recall from years ago and we only had 4.  Now even the one little terror keeps us hopping. 

Oh no, poor Violet. Lets hope she can be mended easily. Glad DH wasn't hurt. 

Sold a bigger sculpture this morning, Yay, a good gallery month for me.  I can use the bucks as the house siding was not cheap.

Got a call from my mom's nurse yesterday. She now takes a small dose of morphine as she is having pain. I always thought Parkinsons disease was fairly painless. She is losing weight and having trouble eating and swallowing. Not long for this earth I am afraid. My mom was very much a feminist and ahead of her time and I was hoping she would live to see Hilary elected. 

Take care everybody and cherish the skinny life. Its so worth it.  Diane S.