Saturday, May 14th

Good Morning Family !

     I'm just going to put this out there. I started several posts today, wondering to the group if it would be better if I temporarily found a different forum for working through my low fat issue, and returned here as an active poster when I have a plan and am maintaining again.  I may be reading into posts, or the lack of posts, but I am feeling sensitive about bringing up conflicted feelings for others, which I don't want to do.  My head tells me that my current challenge is just a normal part of a healthy maintenance process.  My old people pleasing tapes are telling me that I may be making the journey more difficult for others.

128.4

Please don't leave. I'm sure even if there are those  that are struggling with the thought of a member here being too thin, nobody wants you to go. We need you and you my dear need us. We are a family, with each other through thick and thin, literally

No weight today, the scale in the hotel is dead. Not sure I've seen a scale in a hotel bathroom before, funny that now that I would want one the thing doesn't work. That's okay, weight can wait until Monday.

Rainy day in Columbus. Got an hour in on the treadmill already which was good. I think my steps were < 3000 yesterday with over 9 hours of riding on the car. My poor butt couldn't handle it and by the time we got here the pain was starting to go down my thigh. Skinny people's problems, lol. 

Good Morning, Fellow Travelers on the Eating Disorder Spectrum AND the rest of you formerly MO travelers not on the spectrum!  

120.3 today.  Probably a new low by a few 10ths.

When I was researching my cholesterol issues, I found a couple of scholarly papers that said there is a link between the genetics of anorexia and the genetics of very high LDL with very low calorie diets.

High LDL in anorexias (on very low calorie diets) is common.  High LDL in the general population on very low calorie diet is pretty much unheard of.  And, folks with anorexia AND bulimia tend to have the highest LDL's of all.  AND, they found some genetic coding to it. 

I hated reading that,  I don't want a freakin' label, especially THOSE labels.  (Please remember, I am the denial-master so this isn't a knock on you that are more-enlightened)   But, if I think even a nano-second about it, I have been trying to restrict calories in one way or another my entire life.    And then what I do?  I have VSG, the ultimate calorie restrictor.  Of course I love it!  It is (maybe) in my DNA to love it.  

I suspect most of us are dancing back and forth along the spectrum.  Generally speaking, it isn't always comfortable for me to see someone casually bring up behavior that I have studiously avoided thinking about.  But, like yoga (that's right, everything is related to yoga!) eventually I am ready for a new experience whi*****ludes poking at my dark holes.  

Does it bother me to my core that I am likely at my lowest weight ever and below my (admittedly arbitrary) weight range target?  No, a part of me definitely likes it.  That is my dot on the spectrum today.  

In my usual selfish way, I would like to see your thought process as you work thru your dot on the spectrum, because I am too cheap to get my own therapy.

I gotta get to yoga, so I will post this as is.  I hope it isn't offensive, DianeO in any way!  The bottom line is please stay!  You are family.  And, how is Sadie? 

Shel

Diane O you are an important part of this family and your journey is important to us. Even though your current situation may not be as common, your experience and even more importantly, YOU belong here.  

Felicitations Fabulous Fellow Former Fatties

Well 131 today and flickering to 130.5. Really would like to get down into the 120's again

Diane O please stay with us. Your issues are part of the whole universe of things we all have to deal with and I guarantee no one has bad feelings about it. I actually lost too much weight - was down to 117 and was being monitored by my internist to not keep losing too much weight. My husband was upset with me. My surgeon wasn't too worried as I think he knew I would regain some and i did as I became able to eat more.  You are pretty new from surgery still and we all would like to share your journey over the years. Thats what this group is about.  The long road. 

I made some chopped and skillet cooked zucchini  last night with good shot of black pepper and a bit of grated parmesan cheese. Its really good. Had it with cold shrimp.  Low carb low cal.

So the siding project is going well. I chose the right guys for the job - pleasant, trustworthy and able to deal with unexpected issues like a piece of dry rot. So every morning Hubby moves my car out of the garage to the street to the workers can use the garage for staging.  And every time Hubby moves the car 30 feet, he adjusts the seat and all the mirrors! So every time I get in the car I have to reset it all!

Well another week and we get the puppy. Our lives will never be the same. Gonna be wild with the siding contractors here for a few more weeks. Gotta start the puppy proofing.

No plans today other than redoing my file drawers. Thats been my plan for about 4 months. Maybe go help rearrange the art gallery instead. Diane S

LOL! "Our lives will never be the same." With every new puppy I always think, "Okay, what's our new normal going to be this time?" Every new one just adds a new dynamic. Doesn't matter if you are a no dog household getting a single dog or if you are a multiple dog household adding one to the mix. The dance always changes when you add a new partner!

I told Ron today that if we keep little Peach we are in for it. She is an imp royale. She has the devil in her eyes and a song in her heart and in her step. She's a lot of dog in a pretty little package! I'm so drawn to big boy Blue, but I think he's just too laid back for a show dog and I think he has a slight rise over his loins that will be hard to groom out. He's got two weeks to even out, grow a neck and become the boy I so, so want. We shall see. 

For you non-dog show peeps: Breeders are always trying to breed better dogs that meet the standard. In our evaluations we are merciless. We look at structure before anything else. Once we cull the litter on structure, we begin to look at temperaments, attitudes, receptiveness to humans, trainability, and so on... 

Please do stay!  You are not making anything more difficult for anyone.  I would argue it's good for us to all know the variety of experiences that maintenance may hold so we can all learn together.  

I'm up .1 today, but have been down more than I expected over the last few so I won't sweat it.

Yesterday I experienced a return of my restriction that surprised me - I couldn't finish a portion that one week prior I would have had no problem with.   I'm confused as to how dropping my caloric intake and carbs, but not necessarily my volume could have had that effect.  A fluke? Any ideas?  Not complaining just trying to understand the mechanism.  

Procrastinating finishing up some stuff for work today - I should just get it done already but it's icky so I don't wanna.  I will probably play for a while longer then hold my nose and get started again.

First things first: Diane O. I want to be perfectly clear that your current situation does not bring up any conflicted feelings for me. The feelings I shared on Thursday have been there for a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG time! Those feelings pop up from time to time. The conversation on Thursday brought some of those feelings to the forefront, but they have been hanging there in the background all along. This is my monkey - not yours! 

Your head is correct. What you are dealing with is a NORMAL part of a healthy maintenance. It is in maintenance that we must learn to make adjustments so that we learn to maintain our weight. I do not see how you being a tad under fat is any different than me being a tad over fat. Both of us are learning to find the "recipe" for maintenance that will work for us. Our insecurities around this part of the journey manifested differently - that's all. 

As I have shared my journey with regain and refatting, I think it is equally important for us (and the silent readers) to know how you proceed, the affect of your decisions as you deal with this chapter in your journey, and how you feel as you continue on.

Maintenance is not static. It is in constant flux. Not a single one of us is in the same place, yet we are all learning from one another. I feel a great deal of support and camaraderie on this board. Sometimes we will differ in opinion and see things through a different lens. Those things don't mean we don't belong.

You belong here - with us! End. Of. Subject!  

200.5 today. Close to the safe "under 200" zone. (BTW, I have discovered when I use the less than symbol is when OH dumps my posts from that point on. Just thought I'd share that tidbit!) 

I was up a bit yesterday from Thursday. Was 201,8 yesterday. Didn't have a chance to post yesterday. I was dealing with all sorts of girl drama yesterday which took up every spare moment of my day. I have not had a group of girls this intense (read Mean Girls) in about 13 years. Too many powerful girls in one class. I will be glad to send them on in 4 weeks. I like them all individually, but not as a group. 

Sleep is still iffy. I even went to bed a bit earlier on Thursday, but the pups decided that since we all went to bed earlier we should also all greet the day earlier. I kept them late last night until about 12:30, but dang it, they were still up and raring to go at 5:30. I got up and pottied them and let them play for a while, got them back in their pen, made them breakfast and then hopped back into bed and dozed on and off until 9:00. If I didn't get a lot of sleep, I do feel I got some extra rest. I could have honestly stayed in bed longer, but I had to get up for a client at 10:00. 

Now for the food front: I have to pat myself on the back because the scale shows that I've been doing something right. Would be nice to be in the 190s on Monday, which will mark the first week off refined sugar foods. Tomorrow or Monday, I think it will be time to get serious abou****ching calories and carbs again. I think that now that I've gotten through this first week and gotten the deleterious behaviors in check it is time to seriously work on getting back to where I belong and then continue on down.