Wednesday, April 27th, 2015

Happy Hump Day !

     I start my day reviewing any new posts from yesterday. Carbon... I realize that my reply to you sounds abrupt and dismissive.... my apologies... not my intention. I have to watch "drive by posts", which like drive-by eating can be automatic, without sufficient thought.

     Got my gardens covered, and it looks like the plastic has to be up for a couple of days/nights.  Participated in a Health Department mock emergency drug distribution drill on our campus yesterday. I wasn't prepared for the fact that they handed out M& M fun packs to represent the drug. I actually panicked that part of the drill protocol would be watching us ingest the drug. I safely transported it back to my office, unopened, and gave it away.

     Kairk ... you got me thinking when you asked what foods a "sustainable balance" would include/exclude. Back in the middle of my sweet spot today, and will continue with compression stockings.

122.4

What the heck with "sustainable balance?"  I have too much going on in the next few days to get to it right away but it looks like something interesting to chew (ha!) on for quite a while.   Can't wait to see what your big introspective brain comes up with, Diane.  It is probably a moving target, like finding our maintenance weight.   Also, Sadie report, please? 

I have a big presentation tomorrow.  In the past, 98% of my anxiety would be focused on my size/appearance.  I can now take that 98% and apply it entirely to general anxiety :) 

Have a terrific day!  

Shel

Good luck on the presentation !!  You'll dazzle them !  EVERYTHING about maintenance is a moving target, LOL !!   Thanks for asking about Sadie.  I am just about done transitioning her to her lower calorie Senior dog food, until her activity level can resume. Her TPLO surgery is Monday, 05/02.  She stays overnight the 2nd, and I'm home with her the 3rd and 4th at a minimum.  I'll keep the Elizabethan cone on her as long as she tolerates it (I give it 24 hours), then I have two of the inflatable neck collars I believe will keep her mouth off her incision. (Two, because nothing lasts long with Sadie !)

Good luck with the presentation Shel!!  Knock em dead!

So today is a week since beginning this serious diet.  Scale is still 159.6.  I apparently did not weigh last Wednesday, but from my posts, my weight last Tuesday was 163.8.  I know that sounds great in a week--4lbs.  And I think I may take the advice to be happy with it.  But let me explain that I always gain about 3lbs. right before the time of the month and then lose it immediately--and I think my immediate loss of this weight was because of that, just as it is every month.  So maybe I lost 1lb., or 1 1/2 with my eating right now.  And that's pretty good--haven't done that in awhile.  But it really just feels like I'm stretched thin with my decisions right now.

...Which brings us back around to the idea of what we tolerate, the notion of needing "buy in", and finding balance.

I think a portion of it is that I have never been happy with my weight and I'm not sure what I would do with myself if I was.  I am pretty sure I have body dysmorphia--and I can't tell whether what I see/feel is real, or messed up fat girl thinking, or me wanting an excuse to eat more or less.  I felt so much thinner right after surgery.  Part of it is the recognition you get from people, the fact that you're blowing through clothing sizes.  At almost 6 years out, many people, including my husband, didn't even know me at my previous weight.  And even my family forgets.  Heck, I forget.  Instead of feeling like "woohoo I lost 126lbs." I feel more like "I regained 10".  And at this point in my life, my friends are still pretty pre-baby skinny.  I guess that's some buy-in.  I don't want to still be the fat girl in the room.  I know, I know--I'm much much closer to their sizing.  But when you get around size 2s and 4s skinny-jean wearin' women, size 6/8 is still on the larger side.  I've been buying a lot of larges recently (juniors sizing...smh) but I don't like it.  

I don't have much medical reasons for buy in.  I think somewhere in the back of my head I know I might have gotten sick from obesity eventually, and to return to my preop weight would surely expedite the process.  But aside from being a lifelong asthmatic (and just as bad post-op, btw), I've never had anything trouble me.  Except that I'm just not fit.  And I do really want to see where I can push my body to achieve.  so that's another motivation.

But on the whole, day-to-day, that's not a lot that motivates me to opt for chicken salads day after day.  For the time being I have tried to be really laser-focused first on Vegas trip.  Normal me would've said last Wednesday "it's already Wednesday, I'll start my diet Monday."  And then when Monday rolled around I would think "there are only 10 days left until my vacation, that's just silly."  So I definitely took a carpe diem approach this time.  It has been helpful because I can really envision my goal, and at my weight I do think 5lbs. can make a slight difference in a bikini.  And I also know that I can do anything for just over 2 weeks.  And when I return from Vegas, I'm going to try to do the same thing for 3 weeks until my Key West vacation and surgiversary.  And then reevaluate.  

I will have a lot more information as to how this diet is working the longer I've been on it.  Right now is too short to judge and I certainly plan on making it to Vegas.  But this reaffirms everything I thought about how much of a challenge dieting is to me.

Yesterday's eats

B:  peanut butter crackers and coffee 

L:  spinach salad with strawberries and roast chicken, light raspberry dressing on the side

S:  kid package of chips and a tag-along cookie (I decided if I had a chance of dying in a tornado, I didn't want spinach to be my last meal)

D:  spaghetti squash, 3 oz. grilled chicken, 2 Tbs. grated parmesan 

1076 calories, 85 carb, 76 protein.

Little low on the protein and high on the carbs by comparison.  I think skipping my normal protein breakfast and going for the crackers started me off on the wrong path.  I'm kind of shocked my calories were that high.  Because I can tell you the way I felt yesterday was that I was only eating rabbit food.  I can see now I was wrong, but isn't it funny diet perception versus reality.  That being said, I still do think I made really really good choices for lunch and dinner.

Hi Bonnie!  You bring up a great point about body image.  It really is mostly in our heads!  When I was losing, I felt so thin at the weight I am now, but more than 4 1/2 years after surgery, all I can focus on is how big my roll above my waist is and I feel fat!  Having eaten better the past couple of days, however, I don't feel so fat, even though any weight loss is minimal in the scheme of things.  It is so easy to forget, and those old tapes are always, always lurking, even when silent.

I totally relate to your ambivalence!  It's hard to stay motivated for any length of time when it's in play, so I'm glad you're able to just break things down into small time chunks for now. I find that approach helpful too. 

An additional thing that helps me get and stay on program is that I understand and accept - in other words, I've internalized -  there's really no status quo in terms of my weight. I say that in the broadest sense because my numbers are pretty stable at the moment, but what I mean is that for those of us with disordered eating issues, it's a thinking error to assume our weight will remain the same if we carry on with no correction. We gradually eat more and more without knowing it.

Can you accept that as your truth too?  If so, can you be happy with another five pound gain over the coming year?  And another five pounds the next year?  

Can you elaborate on your "understand and accept."  Not quite sure what you mean by that.

I will say that, for the most part, these last 7 days I've had an almost robotic approach to eating.  Obviously I have chosen to indulge in some not so great foods, but far and away most of my choices have been the best I could possibly make in that given situation.  

Right now I think I simply do not have enough information.  If I keep doing what I am doing, will I, like MFP promises me, lose nearly 2lbs. a week?  If MFP is correct, and eating about 1000 calories, and burning about 200 a day by just day-to-day walking, then I feel like I have the motivation to continue this diet for 5 weeks to make my surgiversary goal.  Maybe even longer to see if I can be half of myself.  And I think adding back in 500 calories or so slowly will make for a much happier eating situation.  

And had I hit my top and was just settling into a happy maintenance spot at 164?  If so, I've got to say I sure did like how I was eating.  Unfortunately I think neither of those scenarios will probably play out.  MFP probably doesn't appreciate my low metabolism.  I'd be happy to be proved wrong right now--because if I really can eat 1800 or so calories to maintain, that'd be awesome--and it would certainly speed up my weightloss.  I think it's a lot lower.  

I do think I'm losing.  And I like that.  And like I said initially "I can do anything for 2 weeks."  I fully intend on carrying this through in 2 chunks to Memorial day.  And if I gain over vacation, at least long enough to get that off.  It may not be as much as I'd like, or what MFP is estimating, but hopefully at 1100 or lower, plus the steps I've been logging (and the rare gym stints), I can lose at least 5lbs. by Memorial day.  And 154.6 is a heck of a lot closer to my goal, and is pretty close to where I've maintained all along.

But it is give or take.  I do not think I can keep this up forever.  But I can't think that way right now.  All I need to do is make it to a week from tomorrow at this point.  The whole "how do you eat an elephant" thing.  

For me, the 'understand and accept' thing is that when I'm not consciously following my approach and I've gained a teensy bit of weight, I can no longer tell myself that I can live with those few pounds where my clothes still fit and no one else knows I've gained a few. I can't do it because I've always continued to regain, never stopped at that 'acceptable' amount of weight where the differences have little impact. 

Maybe that's the upside of being a little further along on the disordered eating continuum (at least in terms of time served lol) I've weighed pretty much what I weigh today several times. And weighed 100 pounds more several times. That reality means I know without a doubt that I cannot maintain any weight - even a slightly higher one - if I don't make lasting changes. 

Not sure I've fully explained my thinking, so to put things more bluntly, I can no longer bull**** myself with the 'I'm okay at this weight' lie because I know full well that when I'm gaining I continue to gain with a vengeance. The reasons I've gained 10 pounds are the same reasons I've gained 100 several times.

So I think I'm seeing what you're saying.  Tell me if I'm on the right track.  Basically you're saying "if you give yourself an inch, you'll take a mile."  Or that allowing yourself a gain with the thinking that after you're done gaining xx amount (say 10lbs.) you'll be more proactive about maintenance is deadly thinking because every 10lbs. becomes a vow to do something the next 10, etc., etc.

I agree...to a point.  I definitely see what you're saying if I'm understanding it correctly.  And I think taken to it's natural extreme it's very bad.  

But I also think there is something to be said for a good fit of a weight.  My trouble is I cannot be trusted to rely on my own thought processes as to what that might be.  Because if I say to myself "Bonnie, it's simply unrealistic to maintain at 140.  You're a bigger girl and you should focus all your energy on maintaining 165"--well then I have to wonder whether that's a good argument, or the devil on my shoulder tempting me with a nice bottle of wine and some cheesecake!

There is a side of me that worries that 140s will simply be unmanageable and that I will reach a breaking point and blow up.  My thought all along has been I'd rather be 10lbs. heavier and maintain that consistently than yo-yo diet between 30lbs.  Because dieting is the enemy in my head--it's the source of my disordered thinking, problems with food, not the actual weight itself!  

Which I think why finding a truly good, balanced weight and staying close to that is key.  I'm so not a big fan of dieting, but my focus right now it to lose weight in chunks (yes, with that blasted dieting), find out if it is a manageable weight, and then try to stay very close to that weight so I can focus on hovering there.