Monday, April 25th

Hi All! 

Paula, good luck with the PS consult!

BB, stay safe!

Diane, good luck with the arrangements for your mom - hope the possibility works out!

Lots of introspection around the tolerating the extra pounds quote last week.  I clearly have been tolerating the extra pounds for some time now.  Saturday, I did make myself have a picture taken with my daughters in our costumes, as it's the last time we'll all be in recital together.  I felt good about that decision, though I asked the teacher to line us up in a pose that covered the big roll in front.  That roll looked even bigger as I had on my oldest's tights from last year, not mine.  Mine are big and go up to just under my bra (sorry if TMI, lol).  Hers barely fit and cut me off at the waist.  Feeling fat and mulling over that I've been tolerating the weight, but not anymore, then ate over it all through the weekend!  This addiction stuff truly stinks!!  Even considered a 3 week "plan" that my oldest was telling me about, which someone in dance is doing - that person lost 9 lbs during the 3 day detox - all old stuff!   Even my daughter said that those three days were probably not healthy - smart girl!  Today, I'm doing my own detox, by only doing protein all day, with a green salad with my protein tonight, along with lots and lots of water.  I am so hoping that my toleration with the extra lbs. doesn't continue.  I am taking it one day at a time.

Have a great Monday!

Hugs, Mary

So glad you went thru with the picture!  You (and your kiddos) will appreciate it in the future tho I understand the mental anguish in the moment.  I am sure you looked great and you will eventually wonder what you were worried about.  

Thanks Shel!  I knew that I'd regret not having the picture done.  I refuse to go back into the "hibernation mode" with no pictures - so not fair to my girls!

Good on ya for doing the detox right!  

Thanks Linda! 

I am embarrassed by the fact that my weight begins with a 2, and considered not posting because of that, but I am more than the number on the scale. It's just a number, right? Right. 

I am exhausted. I have had barely 4 hours of sleep - pups are transitioning so they are up a lot during the night, Blue is restless and in and out of the box because she can only take so much because the needle teeth are coming in, yet the pups aren't ready to wean. We are working on it, but it takes a few days...

So for me tired often results in poor food choices. Tired for days on end, well, let's just say I've been throwing in the towel an awful lot over the past week.

There is a lot of emotion behind that 2, too. Had to have a heart to heart with Ron about the crap food (e.g. buying a huge bag of Popcornopolis Caramel Corn in CVS while I was picking up meds for Lucy and eating it in the car while we were on the way to Costco. Of course, I dipped in and ate several handfuls. It's right there and I'm weak at the moment.) because once the sugar gateway is opened it is opened for the rest of the day. Admittedly, the past week once I open the gateway I have been abandoning my sense of rationality and have brought my favorite dark chocolate home, eaten a few things at school I normally wouldn't, had a cookie with coffee in the afternoon, etc...

I've done fine today and was able to avoid the chocolate cake, butter cookies and the chocolate chip cookies all sitting on the lunch table today. Calories are sitting around 350 so far today, with 51 grams protein, 16 carbs. 

Can't tell what emotional space I'm in, except that I truly cannot tolerate a 2 in the hundreds place on my scale when I get on it. Clearly the 190s I've been able to tolerate quite well since I've been there since February and not gone below 195 for more than a minute. I am feeling a bit numb. There are fleeting moments of being sad, but honestly I have no room for that today. 

So there it is. Baaah humbug! 

Oh Devon, I feel for you!  Been there, done that more times than I care to admit to.  So glad you did post.  I too avoid at times, and it just gets me deeper and deeper into the addiction.  Glad you're having a better day, too!  I'm beginning to think the full moon is not helping matters either.   Sending big hugs!

Mary

Aww, thanks Mary. I know you know. I'm seriously okay. My shrink and I have even talked about recovery from obesity having fits and starts. I'm in a little bit of a fit phase, I suppose. I am still determined to get to my goal. I have had my afternoon snack and am feeling okay around that. This is my absolute hardest time of day. I had a hard boiled egg, 1.5 oz of ground beef (left over burger) around 2:50 and just finished a 1/4 cup of raspberries with cream. I will go work out in 45 minutes and that always puts me in a good frame of mind. Thanks again for the empathy! 

Baaah Humbug!  Stupid 2's!   But, it IS just a number and not much different (just a few pounds!) from happier weights. And, it looks like you have already begun to turn the corner as far as food choices go. 

I am glad you talked to Ron about the crap food.  My guy has never understood any of that. Food simply doesn't affect him that way.  So, he has to be reminded and I have to remind myself that it is ok to remind him.  Pre-VSG, I just said nothing. 

Be kind to yourself.  Sleep will (eventually) change your mental outlook, too. 

Shel

Thanks, Shel! Sadly, the food thing is a two way street sometimes. Ron is so used to indulging because weight was NEVER an issue for him. He doesn't really understand what sugar does to me, but he believes me and doesn't think I'm being ridiculous. 

And, yeah, the number is just a number. I'm only 2 pounds from a number that is tolerable. It's really not so much the number, but what the number represents to me - which is regression. Luckily, I can understand this on a gut level and I don't feel at all lost or hopeless. Baffled, saddened and curious as to what it's going to take to keep me on the path toward goal, yes, hopeless, no. Odd journey this.