Wednesday, April 20th

I think that whole "willpower is a finite resource" is what has changed.  It was harder (at least than for most people, I'll contend) the whole time, but it's harder now because of 2 things:  I think the sleeve stretches a bit and you can physically eat more, and there's just not as much "buy in" now.  The idea of "buy in" was discussed last night--most of the time people's actions are motivated by avoiding a negative consequence, or by promoting a positive one.  I haven't felt too much of a negative consequence from gaining 10lbs. (at least not outwardly).  And it's been ages since there were positive "you look great" etc, etc.  And I've had some lifestyle changes like working in an office.  It was hard before, but manageable.  it's hard now but not manageable.  But the whole time I think I've had a very crummy metabolism.  It's just I guess I had more "buy in" to make it worth my while.  And more willpower.  And a tighter sleeve.  But I think if you had my older naturally-skinny sister do the exact same thing I've done, she'd be a waif of 90lbs.!  

Like I said, it's all very irrelevant.  Today I choose to keep fighting, even knowing it's harder for me.  But I do think it's harder.  

And I appreciate your trying to understand what I'm saying. 

Today I cut out my carbs at breakfast and replaced it with an additional egg.  So far 2 scrambled eggs and ample amounts of coffee.  Lunch will be grilled chicken with some sort of veggie.  Not going to cut out carbs entirely, but going to try to stick to them in the form of dairy (yogurt-ha!), fruits, and vegetables.  Vegas is just over 2 weeks away and I can definintely do anything for 2 weeks.  Plan is to come back from Vegas, and do it all again for another 3 weeks.  And then see where I'm at for my "surgiversary."  I would love to be a my maintenance weight by then.  We'll see.  Although I don't necessarily think this is a good way to maintain weight, I finally had to have a little heart to heart and tell myself I am not trying to maintain--I'm trying to lose.

Yup totally agree. As willpower recedes, our sleeves mature.  And if we keep pushing against it with a little more volume, it gets slightly bigger. We slowly start eating more calories and at the end of the day, that is why we gain. I'm a firm believer that it really is about the number of calories we eat.  If we eat more calories - for whatever reason - we gain weight.

So at the risk of being overly forthright, and calling a spade a spade, chances are you are eating significantly more calories than you were two years ago and that reality is being reflected on the scale.  I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I don't think you are being shortchanged ON THE SCALE directly by disordered thinking or your metabolism - bottom line is it's the amount you're eating has increased. Even normies gain weight when they do that. 

And yes while there are slight differences in how we process protein calories vs carb calories I'm generally of the belief that if I ate 1500 calories of meat or 1500 calories of candy I would pretty much weigh the same. The problem with the carbs is that they light up my brain - turn on my head hunger - which ultimately leads to me eating significantly more than 1500 cals daily. That's why I continue to limit carbs in maintenance.  I do best around 80-100 but usually eat closer to 150. But eventually I'll have to 'reset' by eating 80-100 again so that I don't overeat. 

I don't dispute that I'm eating more.  And that's why I've gained 10lbs. in 5 years.  But I do say that normies have it easier--and that if they were eating what I'm eating, most people would not be gaining weight.  Again, not that it matters.  But this is the difficult deck I've been dealt.  They might struggle in other non-weight ways that I do not.  But I did draw the short end of the stick on this one.  I guess I see it like this:  I was maintaining around 1200-1300 calories and now I'm gaining weight at 1500-1600.  Whereas I totally absolutely think my normie friends eat 1800-1900 to maintain (maybe more!) and as you pointed out, they would gain if they increased to 2100-2200, for example.  If that makes sense?

Yup that makes sense.

And as you've said, at the end of the day, it is what is. To push that to the rediculous, is it fair that I'm only 5'2" ?  My husband is a foot taller than me and can eat a lot more!   Lol. I only say that to demonstrate the point we're both making and that is what others can or can't do is irrelevant. 

Your weight loss rate was about the same as mine, except that the last two months I lost only 5 and 6 pounds. My response below gets into the metabolism issue. 

I think you are spot on when you mention the chicken and the egg! I don't know how much research you have done on the genetics of obesity. There is evidence that genetics is a factor in obesity. It is still unclear if it is actually a "metabolism" issue or that some of us are genetically programmed to be hyper efficient at utilization of calories. 

One thing that research has made very clear is that once obesity has been reached, metabolic issues are triggered. So if you were someone born with the genetic leaning to be heavier and then you become obese, you have most likely damaged your metabolism to a degree. Add yoyo dieting to that and the fact that most obese people lose a boat load of muscle when they crash diet and you create even a more unstable metabolic rate. 

But, research has also shown that the most effective way for obese, morbidly obese, and SMO patients to lose weight and KEEP IT OFF is by using a super calorie restricted diet: 500-800 calories per day. What unfortunately happens with the rapid weight loss is a major loss of lean muscle. This will lower metabolism even further. Thus, the super high protein diet was developed to ward off muscle loss and in addition to that, weight bearing exercise is highly recommended to keep the muscle mass one already has prior to rapid weight loss. 

(BTW - Post WLS hair loss is related to 3 things: the actual surgery, physical stress, and lack of protein/nutrients during rapid weight loss, not calories. My surgeon had me start on super high protein prior to surgery and recommends relaxation practices prior to surgery and immediately after to help healing and to ward of hair loss. I had no hair loss whatsoever - and being a middle aged male with super thin hair (balding) hair that was a very good thing!)

Agree, agree, agree!!

I really appreciate your post yesterday and today (and every day, matter of fact).  I was hoping not to offend.  I just am working through my own thoughts.  Unfortunately it's irrelevant what the real cause is, and I don't want to just play the victim and go nowhere.  But I also don't think that I was the way I was/am the way I am simply for lack of motivation/willpower, etc.  

Very interesting on chicken/egg and triggering obesity factors.  i think the body is so complex, and gut "brain" triggers haven't been studied nearly enough.  

And I definitely think you're right about muscle loss.  i think my composition is probably far too much fat and muscle burns sooo much more than fat.  I never have been a gym goer ever, including after surgery.  And I was just talking to my husband about how that's something that really needs to change.  

Thanks again!

Another detail to pick at from today's post :)  It doesn't sound like your mom fat shamed you or your sister?  If not, kudos to her!  (I was not so lucky.)  It probably saved you from developing some bad food behaviors on top of whatever makes you and your sister different. 

Nope she didn't at all.  And when we got the surgery (which they paid for 2 girls, completely out of pocket) she said "I'm just so glad the rest of the world will get to see the Bonnie I've always known.

I agree 100% about the metabolism issue. It is my truth too and in the past has made me very angry. I'm starting to find some peace with it now and just try and deal with it the best I can.

What I was really getting at with the black and white thinking is you thinking you are a failure for not being at your desired weight. I see you as a huge success, only gaining 10 lbs. in 5 years. My surgeon told me to expect a 10 pound gain over the next few years - which is why he wanted me to get on the low end of a desirable BMI!