Tuesday, April 19th

Do you see a counselor? If not, I really think that might help you! Your thinking sounds very much like mine has in the past. Very black or white, all or nothing, total success or utter failure - no room for grey or as I like to call it "real life".

You may not be at your "goal" weight but you certainly are not obese anymore and the health benefits of where you are at are far better then they were 100+ pounds ago. Try to look at all you have accomplished and not what you "failed" to achieve! You are making better choices. Even is they are not showing up on the scale, I bet they will make you feel better!

Paula

Aw, man, I could have written this a year ago. I think you know I started seeing an Ed Therapist (eating disorder - yeah, in the biz they call eating disorders Ed - cute, huh?). I think one of the most important things I have gotten out of therapy is the self realization that my dream of being thin and "normal" is just that - a dream. I can be thin, but I will NEVER be "normal" around food.

I have also come to realize that my idea of normal was way skewed! "Normal" people don't eat sweets and treats and chips and dips regularly (translated DAILY as I would deem "normal") without consequences. Maybe in their active teens and early 20s, "normies" could eat the way I fantasize, but as one approaches 30, there are definite weight consequences from eating "normally". As a matter of fact, "normies" pay rather close attention to their eating. They may not be vocal about it, but they are constantly monitoring. Some monitor consciously, others adjust with out much thought. Those that adjust without much thought become fewer and fewer as they age.

It is my belief that every single one of us who is or has been obese has developed a warped idea of eating. We don't naturally adjust our calories down because we ate a dessert at lunch - Hell no, we don't!  Even now with my new awareness I find that very hard to do. I know I will still want my Greek Yogurt night cap! I have to plan for those extra calories because I know I'm not sacrificing them at the end of the day. Hell No! I want my damn yogurt! 

You are clearly someone who delights in food. Own it. Revel in that fact. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG LOVING FOOD! I certainly do! What you're going to have to do is realize that to be thin you have to seriously examine your relationship with food, how you use food, and the value food has for you. People have foods that they adore and HAVE to work into their plans. I grew up a meat and potato type of guy. I still feel like a meal isn't a meal without a serving of starch. Because of that I add a starch to my lunch and dinner. It's a small amount - 1.5 oz of sweet potato, 3 TBS rice or mashed potato. Either way, I know it's about an extra 50 calories and 10 carbs. Think about what you MUST have and think, too, about all the things you eat with some regularity that you could forgo for the time being - not forever, just for now.

Ritual can also play a very large part in your relationship with food. A long time ago I used to drink in the evening. Alcoholism runs in my family and I saw the writing on the wall and became a non drinker years ago. I substituted ice cream for my nightly vodka. When my capacity began to return and I was trying to stop losing weight I added ice cream back into the routine. After 40+ pounds of regain, that's just one of the things I had to revamp. I still have the ritual, but now it's Greek Yogurt, with blue berries and homemade organic whipped cream. Far fewer calories, more volume and much more satisfying. I also smoked for years. At the end of my smoking days I had to have a cigarette before bed. It was part of my winding down. I now use a food substitute for the cigarette. I have a teaspoon full of peanut butter with a dollop of sugar free chocolate sauce. It's about 45 calories. Is it the best habit in the world? Would a "normal person" do these eating things? Eh, probably not, but it works for me. You will need to discover what works for you. 

I'm going to put this out there for you to consider: There is no diet or reset that is going to work for you UNTIL you decide to work with your food issues instead of against them. Take it from me - I know. I have "failed" many diets before WLS and after WLS. I have been in your shoes - disheartened, confused, angry, turing away from my own truth, etc.... It is a desperate place to be and an absolute crazy maker. 

To accomplish your weight goals you will have to change the way you eat and the choices you make, but you must do it on your terms. You already know diets do not work for you. So what will you do instead? What is the eating plan that will work for you to satisfy your weight goals and your emotional needs? 

There is never a good time to take control of one's eating. There is always some food event (real or imagined) looming just ahead. I mean ALWAYS! No matter where you go, where you work, what is going on, there is always a food event. I realize the reason for me is because I MADE everything a food event! I have a skinny friend who hates buffet type parties because there is never anything good to eat. I'm thinking, girl you are HIGH! Look at the cheese puffs and the sausage rolls, and the meatballs, and....OMG the dessert bar!  It's all good by me! LOL! Honest, that's how I think. 

There is a motto about eating on plan 95% of the time and off 5%. If you break that into meals (3 squares a day, 7 days a week) that means you get ONE meal off plan. One meal, not one day. So, to live the way you like to live with work and your husband you will have to find a way to stay on plan for 20 meals per week. It is 100% possible to do, but it does take work. 

I don't mean to lecture. I really don't. What I want is to save you from following my path, because the way I see it you are on the same path I followed to a 40+ pound regain.

So let me leave you with these thoughts:

1. Regain is not inevitable! 

2. Do not let anyone tell you regain is a choice, because who in the hell would choose to regain weight? Really? Talk about lousy advice. We regain     weight because we have yet to discover how to live in a way that doesn't use food to cope with life. 

3. It takes work to be NOT OBESE. 

Devon, these are very powerful words. I read it three times and I relate to and agree with every word you wrote. It's kind of our universal truth. 

Bonnie, we've all been where you are and it's a painful, confusing and incredibly dark place. I too think that you could benefit from counseling and think it would be much more beneficial than trying to 'will yourself into submission'. Each of us has to find our unique way through this. And sometimes our way stops working, which is my sense of what's happened to you. You were successful for several years but things have changed and you are now regaining. 

That is not to suggest that all is lost. It just means that you may have to dig deeper into your relationship with food and come to terms with a way of living - and being - that works for you now.

I would not be at all surprised if I have to do something similar for myself at some point down the road. I know don't have this thing licked by any means  and I can't say I'm looking forward to facing what you're facing now. In the years I worked as a counsellor, I came to realize that people work at deeper levels as the years go by. Often the 'problem' reappears but it looks a bit different and requires peeling back the layers over time. 

Absolute truth !! Such clarity and truth. Every word resonates to my core. Reading this moved me to tears because another human totally "gets" what is in my soul. Keep doing the work and finding your truth... and sharing your journey.

BB, I hope today is a better day on all fronts!  Ditto what everybody else said about counseling.  I frequently think about how I will may need to quickly pull the trigger on finding myself an eating disordered specialist if/when my current strategies fail.  As you know, obesity is a chronic disease, it is going to need attention and fine-tuning forever.

Your company likely has an employee assistance program that has quick access to counselors.  They may not be an eating disorder specialist, but they could help you find one and provide some bridge counseling (if needed) in the interim.  

Take care, Shel

Hi vsg crusaders!

Paula good luck on the weekend scrap book stuff-a-thon. Sounds like you have a good plan. How about working on a scrap book about your vsg journey and healthy eating. Could be a good thing,

I was hopeful yesterday that we had a plan to replace my mom's care givers. Today it seems to be falling apart. Back to square one. But I am down half a pound to 131. Maybe I will just not think about it for awhile and go look at puppies. Hope I can just lie on the floor and have them crawl all over me. 

Made chicken chili last night using white beans, chicken, chicken broth and mild green salsa. It was quite good and pretty healthy I think. Hope there is enough left for tonight.  

Devon hug little red for me.   I will have more pix of Chips pups soon.    diane s