Tuesday, April 5th, 2016

Good morning friends. Scale is at 111 this morning.  Not a number I see often anymore, nor do I need to.  Threw up my dinner last night - something else I've not done for awhile.  It was fish, but a bit on the dry side.  Also, sometimes I find it hard to judge fish portions in my sleeve. It wasn't measured so that might have been part of the issue too.  

It's quiet around our house this week.  DH is feeling a bit down and he did not have any luck finding a shoe to fit his new orthotic.  That's frustrating for him I know because the pain continues and he is normally a very active guy.  

No idea what I'll get up to today!  Slept better last night though, since cutting back the medication dosage. Still not sure where things are at with the value of meds, just continuing to monitor.  

It's 75 degrees here right now and suppose to be warmer in the afternoon.  I think we'll take a long recess.  It's cold in my room though and I have the heater running.  I have lunch duty this week, too...not my favorite thing to do.  We had a zoo trip yesterday and it was loads of fun...12,000 steps!

Scale is not being nice...but neither am I...lol  I've got to get my **** together. 

Lots and lots to be thankful for...

Have a great day!

Lesa I often wonder about what it is that gets our heads in the game and what takes them out. No idea, I swear!  But what I do know is that if we keep in touch with people who get it and we continue to think about what we want, we always get our heads back in the right place. 

Funny you should mention that. I talked with my shrink about just that very thing yesterday. My head is not in the game, so to speak, at the moment either. Yet, I have 100% faith in myself that it is just a matter of time (possibly days, maybe a few more weeks) that I will be ready to be back in the game. 

I truly believe that "willpower" is a finite resource. There are several studies that have found this to be true. Willpower must be refueled every so often. We can only go on for so long before we need to rest up and recharge. I know for me I can only handle so much at a time. I needed the break I've had for over a month now and I need to own it and be okay with it, which I am. 

This journey is a dance in which emotional leaders switch out from time to time, that's for sure.

I think that all goes back to my sister's theory that there isn't really such a thing as "maintenance" as in just staying in one place mentally, and number-wise.  She think it's more of a gain 5lbs./allow yourself to let things slip, and then buckle down and "lose" 5lbs.  Or whatever.  I'm sure hoping she's right and that I needed the 10lb. gain and will then just shift into weight loss mode and lose 10.  I do think there's something about taking a break from it all.  Like a vacation.

I would tend to disagree with the philosophy of there not being a maintenance. I think it is simply a skill many of us don't have and we revert to old habits and then kick into diet mode.

 I do think there is a true maintenance because we are trying to teach ourselves to monitor on a daily basis and adjust as needed. There is a lot of conclusive research that shows normal weighted people without weight issues do this type of monitoring on a daily basis, some even meal to meal. I do not yet possess this skill, but it is a goal. 

I am trying to get away from the idea of having to buckle down to lose 5 or 10 pounds. I really want to keep it in a 3-4 pound range which can be easily managed with a little careful monitoring. 

Thank you so much for this.  I have been beating myself up, not tracking so I know I have eaten too much, healthy but too much, reading but not posting.  I have gained/fluctuated up 10 pounds!  10 pounds!  I have been stress eating.  Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my dad's death.  I was talking with my aunt who again said that I have not taken the time to mourn, because I was taking care of my mom, who died in January, clearing out their house, dealing with probate, then we lost one of my uncles and a cousin...  It has been a tough time, but I continued tracking and guarding my weight loss.  Then my fitness band broke!  Costco refunded the money which was awesome of them, but I bought my healthy staples and did not buy a new one until TODAY.  BTW, their ground turkey is so good.

I have been having a lot of financial problems.  I put out a significant amount of money for the funeral, flowers, etc. expecting a small life insurance check to be received quickly like it was for my dad.  Still waiting.  My aunt, mentioned above, always offers financial assistance, but I did not want to ask.  I asked her for money for my brother who charged the repast on his credit card, but could not ask for myself. 

In the meantime, I discovered that I could borrow against my 401k if I paid off a small loan I currently have.  The rub is that I don't have the small amount to pay off the loan, so I bit the bullet and borrowed $1,000 from my aunt, gave her a check to repay her for the money she lent me and another to repay the money she lent my brother.  I have to keep careful track for probate.  I told her she could cash them in approx. 10 days.  It is just enough to pay off the loan and get my head above water. 

Saturday, I drove my aunt around for errands, which was fun and not a problem at all.  She appreciates my help so much that she did the unthinkable.  She tore up my check!!!  She will not let me pay her back the $1,000.  I told her it was really hard for me to ask and she has to let me pay her back.  She absolutely refused.  She said nobody is helping me and her brother would want her to help me.  I help her because I know my dad wants me to help her so I totally understood her point, hugged her and cried a little.  Tears welling up again.  She told me that I cannot tell my kids, my brothers or anyone.  So I am telling you guys so I don't bust! 

Anyway, the first thing I did after the check cleared and I paid off my little loan was to call Costco to see if they had any UP3s in stock, but they don't.  I googled about looking for the cheapest UP3 bands and found a new one on Amazon.com in the style I wanted (black and gold twist) for about $60 less than the same thing on the Jawbone website.  My next purchase will be the Instant Pot, but I am going to go slow, make sure my bills are in order, so I stay on my feet and don't waste my 401k.

Joey, you touched me with your story about your aunt.  You gave from the heart, without expecting anything in return.  Your aunt saw that, and wanted to give back.  She sounds like a wonderful support for you, as you are to her! 

Reflecting further on the willpower stuff and with the reality that it's a finite resource, we know it can't take and keep us where we want to go/be. It's helpful but not always available. That gets me thinking about the intrinsic rewards that come with doing or not doing things.  Maybe we make the shifts back and forth when the intrinsic stuff starts tipping in the other direction. And if the rewards remain greater for one course of action, maybe we always stay there ..... dunno

I was just thinking that myself...I was SO strict my first year...I want that back.  I might sound like a broken record, but Ill keep coming back!!!  Only place that  understand my journey!!