VSG weigh in for Wed April 22 2015

again yesterday was a awful eating day.  I like, Kairk, how you described the panic of ' piling up ' the episodes and the accompanying panic.  Describes yesterday in a nutshell.  

Momsy thank you!!!

Control vs In Charge.   This is something am going to ponder.  

Today is another day and while the scales reflect to carnage we will carry on.

Weight is the same as yesterday.  Got our recital costumes at dance last night.  I was in a panic that it wouldn't fit, as I ordered it in a size smaller because the last two years my costume was too big.  I hate that panic feeling - old tapes were running rampant.  The teacher had us all try on the little boleros, and mine fit!  It even held my very generous bat wings in check!  LOL  I haven't tried on the 'bootytard' :), but I could tell from eyeballing it, that it will fit.  The pants are from last year, so no problem there. Phew!  I need to learn to trust myself more.

Apple, glad you're here!  I too like the concept of in charge vs. in control.  I need to get to that point, but fear keeps getting in my way - just so so afraid of opening that door.  When I'm ready to take that step I will, but for today, I need to just stay in my comfort zone. 

122.5.  Like the charge vs controll thing.  I am in charge of what i eat.  Therefore food does not rule me. Or so i tell myself.  

Have a great day everyone.   The nesting eagles on humboldt bay near where I live are due to hatch two chicks any day now.  Google humboldt bay eagle cam.   you can watch these eagles nesting 24/7.  Its fascinating to watch these eagles raise chicks as they have done for several years now.   diane

113.5  It's been a mental struggle to maintain this weight for quite some time now.  Feel like I'm back in dieting mentality, not feeling the freedom I've felt around food like I did during the first 18 most in maintenance.  It sucks.  The conversation today is helpful to me as well, and will read back on the past few days posts to see what else can be incorporated.  

Interesting that you should use the term "dieting mentality". I've been doing a lot of reading and some research done by psychologists about the "Diet Mentality" and how over time it seems to be counter productive and somewhat counter intuitive. I really understand your struggle.

Once I really accepted the fact that I had been either on or off a diet for the past 40+ years, things started falling more in place for me - at least on the feeling at peace side and the struggle side of eating and food. I realized I can never "diet" again. It just doesn't work for me long term. And the key is long term. I can do anything for a while. I have great discipline and will power, but over time it is utterly impossible to sustain. (There is now research that supports that willpower is not limitless. We only have so much in reserve and when it's gone, it's gone until it's replenished!)

I'm not sure exactly how this is shaping up for me except that right now I actually know that I can manage food for the remainder of my life. I'm not sure what that's going to boil down to, but at least now I know that my eating and food are manageable. That in itself is freeing to me. I haven't been this relaxed and happy about food and eating since I don't know when. And the exquisite thing is that the weight is coming off again without feeling restricted and deprived and as if I am doing battle with myself every day to make it happen.

Thanks for the reply Kairk.  It's interesting how something has switched in my brain.  The first 18 months of maintenance I was completely at peace with food.  

I think the change started after I gained two pounds over December as a result of being a bit too 'at peace' so to speak.  It caught up with me on the scale and I've been dieting/battling ever since to get /keep those two pounds off.  I want to consistently weigh 112 again, but for a variety of reasons (not all fully understood) I can't do it right now.  

As a result, I wake up every day wanting to 'restrict' but I can't stay with it.  And of course that leads to unplanned eating late in the day.  I hate this feeling and I'm having trouble deciding if I should make peace with the new number or not.  I suppose I have to, because it is what it is, and who knows, maybe it's the counterintuitive thing that allows me to eventually get back to 112.  Regardless, I hate feeling the way I do about food now.

It scares the hell out of me too.

That's where I'm at Linda - scared to death.  I want to be able to make peace with food and all of its demons, but fear that if I try I will just go on an eating frenzy that will result in gaining lots of weight back, is in my way.  I need to find a way to work through that fear and come to a place of trust with myself before I can move forward.  If I open that door, and it doesn't work, will I be able to close the door again?  That's a huge unknown and I am no where near ready to take that risk yet.  I know it can be successful for people.  I see where you're at Kairk, I watch my cousin, who seems to be there too, and I'm so happy for you both, and a little envious as well :).   But I'm not sure if 60 years of being a compulsive overeater can be turned around at this point.  I hear the big difference between being in control and being in charge, but my self trust isn't strong enough to be in charge - it is for other things, even with continuing forward with my physical recovery from being SMO.  But, right now, that's as far as it goes.  I guess I  still have work to do, and down the line, I will seek help.  For now, I'm ok with where I'm at.  A therapist I worked with years ago, when I asked when would I be able to deal with X, said when X became more uncomfortable than dealing with it would be.  I'm not that uncomfortable yet.  For today, I will keep on keeping on, but continue to watch your growth unfold Kairk, and hopefully gain the courage I need for the long term.  Thanks to all for sharing!  Mary

I think your former therapist may be absolutely spot on. I did get to the point where doing the same thing over and over again and somehow expecting a better outcome, blaming myself when it didn't happen, feeling depressed about it and continuing to gain weight did become more uncomfortable than the idea of trying this new approach to eating and food. I hit my bottom, so to speak.

Believe me, there is nothing to be envious about. Getting to this point was no cup of tea! Not in the least.

You are so right in saying that this is a process journey. You've got to do what is right for you when it's right for you.

Are you in my head????  Feeling the exact same way. 

It's a process for all of us!  Glad I'm not alone.